THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 6, 2000
The Creation of Woman
She was not made from his head to top him;
Nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him;
But out of his side to be equal with him,
Under his arm to be protected,
And near his heart to be loved.
Unknown Author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said 'no', so I let her up.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week. It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
I'd change the world but God won't give me the source code.
...and on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
On a bad day, I have mood swings but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground. Charles Rosenblum
One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey. Jim Rosenberg
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
ENTERTAINMENT:
Madonna has reestablished her claim as the queen of pop by taking her new album to No. 1 in 23 countries, including the United States, where "Music'' ranks as her first chart-topper in 11 years.
[She named her album "Music" so people would know...]
Country music star and sausage king Jimmy Dean was honored in his hometown of Plainview, Texas, wiping away tears as a section of sidewalk was unveiled bearing his likeness and the words "Hometown of Jimmy Dean".
[He wasn't too happy with the words underneath: "What a weenie!!!"]
Playboy TV will join the reality show sweepstakes with "Playboy's Road Rally," which is described as "Road Rules" meets "Survivor" but with Playmates.
[Seven bunnies are trapped in a limo on Rodeo Drive with only a platinum card from an eighty-year-old billionaire to survive...]
EDUCATION: Eleven-year-old Ashley Smith was suspended for two weeks from Garrett Middle School in Atlanta for possession of a Tweety Bird wallet attached to a 10-inch keychain. The Cobb County school district had adopted a zero-tolerance weapons policy that has banned any chains, placing them in the same category as pellet guns, ice picks and swords.
[They also outlawed any Acme super springs, TNT boxes, or rocket packs worn by the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons...]
INTERNET: In an attempt to thwart e-criticism some corporations have begun scooping up crude and disparaging domain names (e.g. http://www.walmartsucks.com) to keep them out of the hands of would-be Internet defamers. Yet their goal is ludicrous given the inordinate number of possible slurs. The hacker magazine 2600 attempted to purchase www.Verizonsucks.com only to find the name already reserved by the telecom giant itself. No bother. They simply snatched up
www.verizonreallysucks.com instead. When Verizon filed suit against them, citing an extension of the cyber-squatting laws, the magazine responded by registering the following domain name: www.VerizonShouldSpendMoreTimeFixingItsNetworkAndLessMoneyOnLawyers.com.
BAMBI'S REVENGE: Canadian farmer William McCavanagh was found dead in a deer compound, his body covered with bite marks that police suspect were inflicted by a buck staking his territory around 13 doe during mating season.
[With all those bites and scratches it was either a buck or Marv Albert...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
DO IT YOURSELF? (Annapolis) A Linthicum woman was putting down linoleum in her home Sunday when she apparently lost her balance and fell into the glue spread on the floor for the tiles. The glue worked like a charm. The woman became stuck to the floor. Somehow the woman managed to call 911 for help. But when five county paramedics and firefighters responded to a call for help shortly after 5 p.m., they found the do-it-yourselfer had already freed herself from the floor. But, unfortunately for her after escaping from the floor, she had plopped down in her couch and got stuck again. The firefighters found the woman, clad only in a bra and panties, partially stuck to the couch with her legs crossed and glued together, a cordless phone cemented to her hand. Crews vigorously scrubbed the woman with solvent-dipped sterile gauze pads, eventually freeing her legs, hand and extremities within an hour. The woman refused to be taken to the hospital and suffered no injuries.
[I think I'll return all those Sunset Do It Yourself books...]
CANDID CAMERA: (Framingham, Mass.) A suspect first broke into a convenience store, then returned to his truck and let the door close behind him. He forced his way in a second time. Back inside, he pushed and pulled on the cash machine to no avail. Then he got back in his truck and rammed the store and the ATM. Still no luck. He eventually threw up his arms and walked out empty-handed. The only trouble with the story is that it was all captured on videotape.
BENT QUOTE: "They're not going to hurt you in any way, but it's certainly an aesthetic problem," Peter Thornton, environmental administrator with the Deltonia, Florida County Health Department explaining the dozens of tiny red worms that came spilling out of a Deltona woman's bathtub faucet. (Orlando Sentinel)
[Aesthetic problem? I don't think so...]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
PHOTO SHOOT GIVES NUDIST SWELLED HEAD: (Rothenberg, Germany) And you thought it was tragic when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. A German native was found in a garden in the city of Rothenburg after he fell 16 feet off of a wall. He is in critical condition. The tragedy would not have been so remarkable if the victim were not completely nude. It seems the shutterbug was taking nude photos of himself when he somehow lost his balance. Police are looking forward to developing the film in his camera to see if it can shed any light on the accident.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
THE TOP 15 BILL GATES PENNY-PINCHING TIPS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Forbes magazine reported that Bill Gates' fortune has fallen from $85 billion to $63 billion. TopFive sat down and came up with a few ideas for how Bill could lower his monthly budget...
15. Switch to *single* ply hundred dollar bill toilet paper.
14. A dirty set of monogrammed China and Waterford Crystal can, surprisingly, be re-used if cleaned with soap.
13. Insist lawyers turn off Justice Department lights when they leave.
12. Swipe a few cents from the penny cup at every Starbucks in Seattle.
11. After getting hit in the face with a pie, ask for a doggie bag.
10. Make those $7 haircuts last an extra week or two.
9. Only reboot the house twice a day.
8. Setting up a batch of overseas companies: $25,000,000;
Liquidating and transferring all assets: $50,000,000;
Flipping Janet Reno the bird as you relocate to a third world country: priceless.
7. Cut back on helicopter runs to the store for milk.
6. Fire the marching band that follows you around playing the Star Wars Imperial March whenever you walk down the hall to take a leak.
5. Quit spending billions on Pokemon merchandise on eBay.
4. Nightly strolls through Microsoft headquarters to turn off the monitors.
3. Suspend construction of the Death Star for a few weeks.
2. When hiring staff for your evil lair, remember that one angry Bobby Knight is worth a hundred killer defense androids.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bill Gates Penny-pinching Tip...
1. From now on, just watch "Star Trek" on TV no more paying Nimoy and Shatner to act out episodes in your living room.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GRAFFITI IN THE MICROSOFT BATHROOM
Bill Gates Downloads Here
Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
To Flush, Press Handle.
You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The Same Time.
For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
Why can't Bill Gates get a date?
Because he is MICROSOFT.
MICROSOFT:
Where Do You Want To Go Today?
In the crapper!
Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her.
THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
A CUTE TALE OF MARITAL BLISS
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.
When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A GEEK
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
You got a paper back where the teacher wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but I'm giving you an 'A.'"
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE *REAL* STORY
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence...listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't made the @#*%$+ porridge yet!!"
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 15 INDICATIONS IT'S TIME TO RETIRE FROM TEACHING
15. "I'll sleep with you for an A" now sounds like too much damn work on your part.
14. You keep accidentally pinning notes for your students' parents to your own shirt.
13. Your Social Security check is now kicking your paycheck's ass.
12. You ask a 17-year-old football player over to mow your lawn, and neither one of you fantasizes about anything else happening.
11. That wasn't the chalk that snapped while you were at the blackboard it was your wrist.
10. You once had the author autograph a copy of "The Canterbury Tales."
9. Thanks to the Internet, now the kids know *everything* about those years you spent as a struggling actress.
8. Your third grade kids think your whoopee cushion is hilarious only you don't have a whoopee cushion.
7. You don't just *teach* Latin it's your native language.
6. Recurring humiliation every morning when your artificial hip sets off the metal detectors.
5. Under the school's zero tolerance drug policy, you've been disciplined for your use of Vick's Vap-o-Rub.
4. Your students' pagers have more memory than you do.
3. Every time a student boots a computer in the library, you point and scream, "Witch! Witch! Spawn of Satan!!!"
2. Every year, it gets tougher to go 50 minutes without taking a leak.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication It's Time to Retire from Teaching...
1. Your local Kansas school board just came in and hammered your globe flat.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW EMOTICONS
We all know about those little computer symbols called "emoticons", where
:) means a smile andWell, have you seen these new ones now in use?
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and
:-( respectively.
(_]_) a regular bum
(__]__) a fat bum
(]) a tight bum
(_*_) a sore bum
{_]_} a swishy bum
(_x_) kiss my bum
(_X_) leave my bum alone
(_zzz_) a tired bum
(_o^^o_) a wise bum
(_E=mc2_) a smart bum
(_$_) money coming out of his bum
THE SEDUCTION
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
[Thanks again to John]
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR DEBATE IS NOT GOING WELL
14. So far, all 6 of your rebuttals have consisted solely of: "Ummm... good point."
13. The note your campaign manager just handed you is his letter of resignation.
12. You stubbed your toe on the podium, and now Tipper wants to put warning labels on you.
11. Every time you're about to make a devastating rebuttal, the Vice President distracts you by jingling those shiny, shiny car keys of his.
10. At the end, your wife French kisses your opponent.
9. Your strategy of demanding that your opponent "talk to the hand" doesn't work nearly as well as it did on Jerry Springer.
8. You spot Dan Quayle and Admiral Stockdale pointing and laughing from the third row.
7. You spent so much time studying the issues that you forgot to prepare for the evening gown competition.
6. Question for your opponent: "What's your favorite color?"
Question for you: "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"
5. Your opponent keeps taunting: "Shut up and chug, wuss!"
4. Don King informs you that your debate opponent has refused to take a dive.
3. Halfway through the event, your campaign manager walks onstage and sticks a fork in you.
2. The camera catches you flipping the teleprompter to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" during your opponent's rebuttal.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Debate is Not Going Well...
1. Your plan to gain confidence by picturing the audience in their underwear goes horribly awry when Strom Thurmond arrives.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
PERSONAL AD
I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.
You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.
No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
THE TOP 16 SIDE EFFECTS OF VIAGRA
16. Maybe Private Johnson remembered how to stand at attention, but he now he won't stand at ease.
15. No longer need help keeping the ribbon in place while tying a bow.
14. When taken by a woman, she becomes instantly unable to ask anyone for directions.
13. #1 Florida Bumper Sticker? "Don't Come A-Knockin' if the Lincoln's A-Rockin'!"
12. Strom Thurmond shows up at the White House and offers to give the interns a tour of the "Washington Monument."
11. Sales of flour skyrocket as hordes of happy grannies start baking up a storm.
10. Productivity at work soars as due to new "11 finger" typing method.
9. One-hour delayed response forces men to finally learn foreplay techniques.
8. Republican-sponsored "War on Prostitution" bill immediately withdrawn from Senate floor.
7. Sudden irresistible urge for Quarter-Pounders and Interns.
6. NRA memberships and Corvette/Jaguar sales plummet.
5. "Hi, I'm John. What's a nice girl like you doHey! What are you staring at?!"
4. "Y'know, that Linda Tripp's not a bad looking woman..."
3. Those baggy Jeans no longer slippin' off your butt all the time.
2. Finally a place to put your morning bagel during your morning commute!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Side Effect of Viagra...
1. Looks like you can kiss your hopes of winning that Limbo Championship goodbye.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
