THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 29, 2000
Most fortunately it happens, that since reason is incapable of dispelling these clouds, nature herself suffices to that purpose, and cures me of this philosophical melancholy and delirium, either by relaxing this bent of mind, or by some avocation, and lively impression of my senses, which obliterate all these chimeras. I dine, I play a game, I converse, and am merry with my friends...
— David Hume, from "A Treatise on Human Nature"
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
A woman needs only 2 tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Phillips
I like frogs, and their outlook, and the way they get together in wet places on warm nights and sing about sex. — Overheard at the New England Aquarium
The Pope is single. You don't hear people saying *he* has a commitment problems. — Garry Shandling
And so it happens: You wake up one morning and realize that not everything comes to pass. You receive a letter from the Olympic Committee, stating that Solitaire will never be a sanctioned event — despite the countless hours you've spent in front of your computer screen practicing. — David Gunter
——————————————————————They say you can't pick your family...but with a little practice, you *can* pick them off one by one from the top of a hill at the family reunion. — Lili Von Schtupp
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
To me, sex is a way of communicating. A way of communicating: "Damn, that feels good!" — Jim Rosenberg
My friend lost 5 inches on the Slim Fast plan. Now he has no penis at all. — Rob Munda
When all is said and done, it'll be pretty boring. — Larry Baum
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
As a new Reuters poll showed George W. Bush cutting his lead in the presidential race in half, Vice President Al Gore proposed releasing oil from the nation's Strategic Petroleum Reserve to lower gasoline prices.
[How about harnessing the hot air that's coming out of these campaigns? Problem solved...]
Vice President Al Gore told reporters Sunday that he doesn't know how his campaign ended up with a bootleg tape of George W. Bush rehearsing for next month's presidential debates. "If somebody in the Bush campaign keeps sending confidential internal data to us, we'll keep turning it over to the FBI," Gore said.
[He sent it directly on to the proper authorities ("America's Funniest Bloopers")]
While beginning a West Coast swing, George W. Bush suggested that the nation is in the midst of an "education recession".
[And just think — in the midst of it we can vote in a president who had a "C" average in college!!!]
Monica Lewinsky has been hired by Britain's ITN to present a series of six segments about culture, fashion and style titled "Postcards From Monica." And while Lewinsky was in London, she also persuaded the posh Cross store to carry the line of handbags she designs.
[The handbags come with a handy wipe and an extra tube of lipstick...]
OBITUARIES: Bryan Edwin Smith, the driver responsible for the crash that seriously injured horror writer Stephen King last year, has been found dead in his home. Authorities found Smith's body in his bed, claiming there was no sign of violence or foul play.
[Just the words "Pedestrians Have Right Of Way" written backwards on the mirror...]
SPIN-OFFS OF THE "I LOVE YOU" VIRUS
• The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
• The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus that it can never have that it can no longer function.
• The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
• The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
• The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
• The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
• The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time
• The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
• The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
• The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that
your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
• The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer if you're willing to pay the right price.
• The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
• The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
• The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
• The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 16 OLYMPIC EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX
16. Working Out With Pocket Hercules
15. Polishing the Love Javelin
14. Diving off the Half-Meter Headboard
13. Playing "Hide the Torch"
12. Curling (her toes)
11. Carrying the Flag for Team Coitus
10. The 2-Minute Freestyle Floor Exercise
9. Passing the Meat Baton
8. The 20-Centimeter 1x2 Medley
7. Exploring the Land Down Under
6. Competing in the Humptathlon
5. Fencing with the Shorter Epee
4. Synchronized Squirming
3. Completing the Orifice Triathlon
2. Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Olympic Euphemism for Sex...
1. The Purple-Chapeaud Flag Bearer Leading His Delegation Into the Olympic Stadium
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE PERFECT MAN
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT
• When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
• Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
• When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
• When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what is keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
• When I.T. support sends you an E-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
• When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
• Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
• When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
• When you're getting a "NO DIAL TONE" message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
• When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
• When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
• When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
• When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
• When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
• Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
• Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
• If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.
• If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
• When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
• When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
• Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
• When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
• When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
• When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
• Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
• When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
• When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
• Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
• When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
THE TOP 13 REJECTED MOTEL 6 SLOGANS13. We're working on that smell thing, too.
12. Because you deserve better than the back-seat of some car.
11. As seen on "COPS"
10. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
9. Not just for nooners anymore.
8. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
7. You rented the room, now buy the video.
6. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
5. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
4. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try banging your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
3. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
2. It's Hookerriffic!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1. We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White
THE MERMAID'S LESSON
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.
The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?"
"No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly.
The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?"
"No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow.
"Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."
Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No, I haven't," said the mermaid.
"Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
THINGS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SAID BY A MAN
• I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
• No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
• Her tits are just too big.
• Sometimes I just want to be held.
• That chick on "20/20" gives me a woody.
• Sure! I'd love to wear a condom.
• We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
• Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch "Ally McBeal".
• It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
• Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
• I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
• I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
• Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
• I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed?.
• Maybe I should tell her.
• No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
• Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.
• This movie has way too much nudity.
• Damn, we're late for church!
• No! I don't want to see your sister's tits.
• Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
• Put some panties on for Christ's sake.
• Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!!
• Don't pick that up, I got it.
• Happy Anniversary!!!
• Hey, isn't today your mother's birthday?
• Let's talk, I miss talking.
• Gay men have rights too!
• I am just too tired to have sex again today!
• Are you losing weight sweetie?
• I understand.
[Thanks to Fred]
KID'S INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
• "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." — Rocky, age 9
• "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." — Stephanie, age 8
• "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." — Lamar, age 10
• "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." — Carrol, age 9
• "Never bug a pregnant mom." — Nicholas, age 11
• "Don't ever be too full for dessert." — Kelly, age 10
• "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." — Heather, age 16
• "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." — Michael, age 14
• "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." — Joel, age 12
• "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." — Alyesha, age 13
• "Never try to baptize a cat." — Laura, age 13
• "Never spit when on a roller coaster." — Scott, age 11
• "Never do pranks at a police station." — Sam, age 10
• "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." — Rob, age 10
• "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." — Hank, age 12
• "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." — Molly, age 11
• "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." — Chelsey, age 7
• "Stay away from prunes." — Randy, age 9
• "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." — Phillip, age 13
• "Forget the cake, go for the icing." — Cynthia, age 8
• "Remember the two places you are always welcome — church and Grandma's house." — Joanne, age 11
• "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." — Matthew, age 12
WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN
1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men — ALWAYS.
4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...No, wait, size does count!
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors — lay them right the first time and
you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
LAWYER JOKE"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first little boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
Below are the typical areas of a resume and the priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER:
Skip it. What are the odds they'll call — 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993...and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system. Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
"References furnished upon request"? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."