THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 22, 2000
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
— Louisa May Alcott
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. — Stephen Wright
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
Sex hasn't been the same since women started to enjoy it. — Lewis Grizzard
Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle. It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts. If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles. — Jay Leno
Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Top aides to Al Gore and George W. Bush met on Thursday to begin negotiating arrangements for the presidential debates.
[Bush is now demanding a written take-home quiz with no oral...]
Appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show, GOP presidential candidate George W. Bush told the talk show host that the public's biggest misconception of him is that "I'm running on my daddy's name."
[Try RUINING his daddy's name...]
——————————————————————
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
ONLY IN CALIFORNIA: (Berkeley, CA) — A spokeswoman behind the annual Berkeley California annual Nude and Breast Freedom Parade addressed the crowd, saying "For 30 days I have walked with my breasts exposed all around Berkeley and it was because I knew that my family, all of you, would be here today. I bring my love out through my flesh, through my breasts — I encourage you to send your love out through your flesh." (Daily Californian)
BENT QUOTE: "I am here to see naked people. It's cheaper than cable." — A spectator to the Berkeley California's annual Nude and Breast Freedom Parade.
——————————————————————
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
"PC MASTER" DOES NOT INCLUDE HANDCUFFS: From the "This Guy's Got Too Much Time On His Hands" file comes a twisted tale of cyber-kink. Cliff Williams, an Australian computer programmer who enjoys S&M, has created a program that turns a computer into a dungeon master. The "PC Master" barks out random kinky orders like, "Tie your ankles up!" and "Bend over and bark like a dog!" thus eliminating the need for a real partner or even any kind of dignity whatsoever.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKES
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
——————————————————————
THE TOP 15 THINGS OVERHEARD DURING OLYMPICS OPENING WEEKEND
15. "Hell, no, I didn't win these. I bought 'em on E-Bay from some guy named Spitzer72."
14. "The Australian team has formed a large dingo on the field... and it's eating the New Zealand delegation!"
13. "Never date an Australian. If you throw them out, they come right back to you."
12. "I'm sorry, Sir. If I promise to never say 'throw another shrimp on the barbie' again, would you kindly remove your boomerang from my rectum?"
11. "You'd think Brandi Chastain would have at least waited until the torch was lit before ripping her shirt off."
10. "Hey, you with the mustache — get out of the women's showers! Oh... sorry, Miss Ling."
9. "I don't care if you are in the NBA, everyone pays for their marijuana in this country, mate."
8. "Suzy, we don't have to synchronize everything. Can't I just have 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself?"
7. "Shields up, Mr. Sulu. They've set file to the outer hull!"
6. "The tribe has spoken. Please snuff out your Olympic flame and leave immediately."
5. "CRIKEY! This javelin being thrown at me is a REAL BEAUT! One false move and I'm impaled and done for!!"
4. "I think somebody should tell the USA shooters that they only need to fire at each target *once*."
3. "Hey — who's the smartass throwing shrimp on the Olympic flame?"
2. "I'm not sure it's wise to carry an open flame around 100,000 Vegemite eaters."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard During Olympics Opening Weekend...
1. "No, ladies, we do *not* need any volunteers to help towel off the swimmer with the size 17 feet."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN ANY LANGUAGE
English........... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Virginia and Kentucky ..... Nice Tits
BIZARRE SEXUAL TRIVIA
According to unsubstantiated sources:
• 55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.
• 33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.
• The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."
• 58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently."
• Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques."
• 30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies.
• 28 percent have the hots for gymnasts.
• 22 percent like volleyball players.
• But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing.
Bizarre News
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE TOP 10 REJECTED SLOGANS FOR AL GORE'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
10. "Vote for Me or I'll Come to Your Home and Explain my 191-Page Economic Plan to You in Excruciating Detail."
9. "Remember America, I Gave You the Internet, and I Can Take It Away. Think About it."
8. "Your Vote Automatically Enters You in a Drawing for the $123 Billion Budget Surplus."
7. "With Lieberman on the Ticket, You Get All Kinds of Fun New Days Off. Vote For Us. We're Going to Work 24/6."
6. "We Know When the Microphone is On."
5. "Vote for Me and I Will Take Whatever Steps Necessary to Outlaw the Term 'Whazzzzup."
4. "Gore/Lieberman. You Don't Have to Worry About Pork Barrel Politics."
3. "You'll Thank Us in Four Years When the Escalator to the Moon is Finished."
2. "If I Can Handle Letterman, I Can Handle Saddam Hussein."
1. "I'll be Twice as Cool as That President Guy on 'The West Wing."'
WISHFUL THINKING
(One for the XY chromosomal types, AKA Men)
MY DICK IS SO BIG...
• it graduated a year ahead of me.
• a homeless family lives underneath it.
• there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
• we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
• I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.
• Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
• I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
• that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
• I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
• movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
PLANNED PARENTHOOD, REDNECK STYLE
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me — I don't want to go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
THE EXAM
A high school English teacher sternly reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. She told the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except in the case of serious injury, illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-mouthed jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class burst into laughter.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically and replied sweetly, "I'm sorry. I can't accept that as an excuse. You'll just have to write with your other hand."
ROAD RAGE!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work — that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females — that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% rate their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
[Thanks again to Craig and also John — John Garison's Home Page]
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SUPER REVENGE
Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot.
Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag.
A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
The woman never complained again.
SPORTS EXTRA
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
THE TOP 20 NASTY NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
20. "Survivor Virus" — Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
19. Dan Quayle Virus — Destroys all the files stored on your Etch-a-Sketch.
18. Elian Virus — You can't decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.
17. Jiminy Cricket Virus — Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.
16. Jennifer Lopez Virus — Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.
15. Microsoft Virus — Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name "Windows 98."
14. Al Gore Virus — Claims that it *IS* the Internet.
13. Pat Buchanan Virus — Splits otherwise healthy drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry — it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.
12. Tiger Woods Virus — Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
11. Wonderbra Virus — Results in overflow stack.
10. O.J. Virus — Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.
9. Salvador Dali Virus — Replaces motherboard with flaming liquid fur which can only be removed by driving a large carpenter's nail through the casing.
8. Britney Spears Virus — Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
7. Firestone Virus — Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.
6. Kurt Cobain Virus — Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.
5. IHATEYOU Virus — Emits shrill scream from speakers when you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other computers at school already have."
4. John Rocker Virus — Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
3. Kursk Virus — Crashes your subroutines, then blocks calls to the Help Desk.
2. George W. Virus — Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing....
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Nasty New Computer Virus...
1. Boulder Police Virus — Can't even *find* your computer.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE HOMEOWNER'S GUIDE TO BASIC TOOLS
Hammer: In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver: The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy
screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver: The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers: A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers: Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder: An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light: A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill: A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone: The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor: A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side
of the house.
Chainsaw: Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips: A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD PORNO MOVIE
(The PG-rated Version)
15. The title, "Debbie Does Abstinence," was your first clue, Chester.
14. "Oh, that's my neighbor, Bea Arthur. She just comes over to use the shower sometimes."
13. "All Asians! All Amateur!! All Algorithms!!!"
12. "Okay, Ms. Lewinsky — arch your back a little and moan."
11. It's not so much Smurfette and Papa Smurf, but the whole thing with Gargamel and Asriel is frightening.
10. I say, the entire cast is British!
9. You know there's going to be some really kinky sex if the coyote ever catches that road runner.
8. You find yourself fantasizing — about getting your work done at the office.
7. After 5 minutes, your husband stops drooling on his NASCAR T-shirt and says, "What's on PBS?"
6. Since when is Elian a twenty-something gardener and Janet Reno a buxom redhead?
5. "Co-starring Rosie O'Donnell!"
4. Way too much gratuitous plot development.
3. You hear Pee Wee Herman snoring in the seat behind you.
2. "Meesa horny, yes me am."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Bad Porno Movie...
1. Music by Christopher Cross.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
