THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 15, 2000
Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
"How to Buy and Set Up a Computer". Step One: Get Valium Dave Barry
Little girls eventually become young women. Little boys have the job for life!
Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Marcel Achard
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. Abba Eban
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
As I fill out the job application and get to the part about "Sex: F or M", I never know which to choose I really like to "F", but spend most of the time alone "M"-ing. Tony J. Podrasky
And so the last man alive looked over the desolation that the nuclear war had wrought, a tear forming in his eye as he realized that the Super Bowl would probably be canceled this year. Dennis M. Yates
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Responding to allegations that a Republican Party TV ad criticizing Al Gore contained the hidden word "rats" as a subliminal message, GOP candidate George W. Bush called the charges "bizarre and weird".
[He thinks these are weird, erRATic, irRATional, claims from the DemocRATS. If you can see RAT in that ad, congRATulations...]
CRIME: Lawrence Kimbrough was a night clerk at a convenience store. It was while working the late shift that he hatched his plan (and from the looks of it he must have been half asleep when he came up with it). He put tape over the lenses of the store's security cameras, took the money from the cash registers, stashed it in a trash bin behind the store and called the cops. When they arrived he told them that an armed robber had taped over the security cameras and robbed him at gunpoint. Investigating officers quickly figured out that Lawrence was lying. He had placed tape over the lenses of the cameras, but unfortunately he used transparent tape. Everything he did was caught on video. (Kansas City, Missouri)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
(Las Vegas) Don Astorga, 31, decided he'd like to sneak some lizards into the country. So he put nine dead lizards and three live ones, including a Nile monitor lizard, a water monitor and several geckos, all of them native to Southeast Asia and Africa, in his underwear and flew on in. Officials noticed some funny movements in his pants and arrested him. Astorga was found guilty of violating the Endangered Species Act and failing to declare the lizards. He could get up to six months in prison.
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
TOO SMART TO BE A COP: (New London) Police candidate Robert Jordan has been disqualified from becoming a policeman. The reason? He scored too high on the IQ-like test called the Wonderlic Personnel Test. His results pegged him to have the equivalent IQ of 125 and this would place him too high above his fellow officers. The national average IQ for policemen happens to be 104. Police officials stated that they do not want officers on the force who would get bored.
[Is it me or does the thought of dumbing down the police force scare you?]
THE PMS PRIMER
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU'D FIGURED OUT PMS...
IT'S TIME FOR "SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE"
Hot Flashes: You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Memory Loss: You write Post-It notes with your kids' names on them, and stick them to each kid's forehead.
Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
Sleeplessness: The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
Fatigue: You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Sudden Weight Gain: You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".
Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
TIPS FOR MOTIVATING EMPLOYEES
Today's increasingly competitive business world means that a highly motivated workforce is vital for any organization seeking to achieve good results. Therefore, learning how to motivate others has become essential for today's manager. Because of this, we at ComedyZine have come up with our very own Tips For Motivating Employees.
To release the full potential of employees, more and more organizations are moving away from "command and control" and toward "advise and consent" as a way of motivating. This should be done without the "advise" or "consent" of your employees.
A good manager should use their powers of persuasion and influence in order to encourage self-motivation. If this fails then try threatening the employee with termination.
Remember that making work fun does not mean making it easy. However finding a coworker who is easy can definitely make work fun.
Always maintain eye contact with your staff whenever you speak with them even if you can't stand to look at the little bastards.
If bad results occur, review your own motivation as well as your employees. Then motivate yourself to 'can some asses'.
Show respect to your staff and they will show it to you. However showing your genitals to your staff does not necessarily mean they will show their genitals to you.
Deliver internal communications as soon as possible. While delivering anything internally make sure you always wear a condom.
Encourage your staff to participate in decision making. Then make the decision you were going to make anyway.
Find the root cause of repeated complaints and eradicate it quickly. Unless of course the root cause of the repeated complaints is you.
Have a good reason and an explanation for a request. For example, "Because I said so."
Read all suggestion box ideas. Any good ones, make your own and take to your superior.
Do not be too fast in giving "No" for an answer. Take a deep breath, wait a few seconds and then give "No" for an answer.
Make the most of a new staff by first making them feel welcome. First, say to them, "Welcome!" This is key in making anyone feel welcome. Secondly, pass out some Krispy Kreme donuts. Then give each staff member a foot massage. Then ask any female staff members to take a look at YOUR 'staff member'.
Be as natural as possible even if you have to fake it.
Ambition dictates achievement so be sure to encourage big ambitions. Unless of course their ambitions are for YOUR job or interfere with YOUR ambitions.
If demotivation occurs, consider changing your business system or firing all of your employees which ever is easier and more cost effective.
Keep the yearly employee appraisal relaxed and friendly. Do not make it an inquisition. Save that for when you do the annual employee inquisition.
Always start appraisals by discussing the progress made and success achieved. Then ask if the employee has any nude pictures of themselves.
If you are the highest payer then be sure to get the highest results. And if you are the lowest payer then make sure you are getting the lowest results. After all, you should get what you pay for.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A BATH
1. Thoroughly clean your toilet.
2. Add required amount of shampoo to toilet water, have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain cat and soothe cat while carrying him towards bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put cat in toilet, close both lids. Stand on lid so cat doesn't escape. CAUTION: Do not get any body parts close to edge of toilet during washing, as paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. Cat will proceed to self-agitate making ample suds. Never mind noises coming from toilet, cat is actually enjoying this very much.
5. Flush toilet three, four or more (as desired) times. This provides vigorous "power-wash and rinse" cycle which I have often found to be quite effective.
6. Prepare an assistant to concurrently open outside door. Ensure no people are between toilet and outside door.
7. Stand behind toilet as far as possible. Quickly lift both lids.
8. The newly-cleaned cat will now rocket out of toilet, thereby auto-drying as he joyfully runs outside to play.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 16 FAMOUS QUOTES FROM REDNECK MOVIES
15. "We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14. "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."
13. "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12. "Houston, we have a 'possum."
11. "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10. "I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9. "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
8. "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
7. "I... see... Black people."
6. "Use the horse, Luke!"
5. "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack Daniel's."
4. "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good tractor pull, kid."
3. "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
2. "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker you never know what you're gonna' get'."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...
1. "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR JOB WAS BAD...
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
SCHOOL HOMEWORK POLICY
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
Long Term Assignments
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 p.m. and ends at 11:50 p.m. or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal-Mart/K-Mart for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student will be out sick.
RELATIONSHIPS: BEFORE AND AFTER
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy tacky sweats while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
ADDICTIONS
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
BODILY FUNCTIONS
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
RELATIONS/FRIENDS
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
SEX
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
ATTENTION SPAN
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the TV and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
OVERALL EVALUATION
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships...but she suspects that you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
"Perfect!" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository ... it's up to you!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
"Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds "Really? Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
I told him he'd better make up his mind.
STUD STUFF
The two old guys were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"
"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."
"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
The clerk extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, Zane asked which condom the clerk recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."
Zane said... "Not to us city boys."
HMO DOCTOR'S MEDICAL DICTIONARY
BARIUM what you do when the patient dies
URINE the opposite of "you're out!"
CAUTERIZE made eye contact with her
OVA finished; done with
DILATE to live a long time
ENEMA opposite of a friend
HERNIA pertaining to a female's knee
FIBRILLATE to tell a small lie
D & C where Washington is
BUNION Paul's surname
RECTUM dang near killed him
PARADOX two doctors
CORONARY domesticated yellow bird
CONSTIPATION endangered feces
HUMERUS to tell us what we want to hear
INTESTINE currently taking an exam
OUTPATIENT a person who fainted
SEX IS LIKE MATH
The Relation: They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.
HOW DO YOU DO "IT"?
Accountants Do It With Double Entry
Ambulance Drivers Come Quicker
Australians Do It Down Under
Bach Did It Using the Organ
Bankers Do It With Interest
Bartenders Do It on the Rocks
Bookkeepers Do It for the Record
Chess Players Check Their Mates
Cops Do It With Cuffs
DJ's Do It on Request
Deep-sea Divers Do It Under Extreme Pressure
Dentists Do It Orally
Detectives Do It Under Cover
Elevator Men Do It Up and Down
Engineers Do It to Specifications
Firemen Do It With a Big Hose
Garbage Men Come Twice a Week
Gardeners Do It in the Bushes
Gas Attendants Pump All Day
Golfers Do It in 18 Holes
Hackers Do It With Fewer Instructions
Ham Operators Do It With Frequency
Lawyers Do It in Their Briefs
Musicians Do It Fortissimo
Preachers Do It Praying
Pizza Man Comes in 30 Minutes or It's Free
Stamp Collectors Lick It
Statisticians Do It With 3 Out of 4 People
Surgeons Are Smooth Operators
Typists Do It in Triplicate.
Veterinarians Are Pussy Lovers
Welders Have Hotter Rods
Wrestlers Know the Best Holds
Writers Have Novel Ways
Zoologists Do It With Animals
Stewardesses Do It in the Air
Professors Do It by the Book
Reporters Do It Daily
Proctologists Do It in the End
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
FOUR DOCTORS
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next week."
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE TOP 20 SIGNS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION DIDN'T GO WELL
20. The cheerleaders' daughters ignored you, but you got wedgies from the jocks' sons.
19. Shades of '81! Your new wife went home with the varsity quarterback.
18. Reunions for homeschooled pupils are pretty low-key and especially for you, since you still live with your parents anyway.
17. Your former classmates recognize your wife as Doris, the cafeteria lady.
16. Your Internet millions mean nothing to your old classmates at Amish High.
15. You'd think that after twenty years, they'd have forgotten about that little act of self-love you performed in the locker room shower.
14. You only had a chance to greet half the class before running out of ammo.
13. Turns out that ol' Salmolinda Hayachek, the dumpy chick you stood up on prom night, began her acting career by shortening her name to Salma Hayek.
12. Although your high school fantasy involved girl-on-girl action, reality hit home when you caught your drunk octogenarian wife behind the dumpster with a drunk octogenarian cheerleader.
11. Some "golden opportunity" 4-1/2 hours and not ONE friggin' Amway sale.
10. Everyone else went home with a commemorative program and pictures of their classmates. You went home with a court order and pictures of children you never knew you had.
9. While slow dancing, your beloved homecoming queen gently whispers in your ear, "Two hundred for a straight-up, four hundred for around-the-world and no kissing."
8. Those three wimpy kids you used to beat up in gym class? One's an IRS auditor, one's a judge and one's a mob hitman.
7. All the guys ask the same damn thing: "So what's Mrs. LeTourneau like in the sack?"
6. Attempting to relive the "pantsing" of that wimp Bill Gates didn't seem to go over so well this time.
5. Friggin' Spike Butler still beating you up for lunch money and he doesn't take plastic.
4. All your exes have changed sexes.
3. Frank went home with a cheerleader, Cody and Cassidy were at the punch bowl all night, and the friggin' band wouldn't let you do a solo number.
2. Your plans to share a nostalgic spotlight dance with your prom date were thwarted when she sprung a leak.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your High School Reunion Didn't Go Well...
1. Turns out the baby you left in the trash can at the prom is now 6'4", 210 lbs., and really pissed off.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
DISCLAIMER
This newsletter does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my dog; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this newsletter freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual (famous) persons, living or dead, is intentional and pure coincidence does not apply; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this newsletter is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; newsletter is provided "as is" without any warranties; an equal opportunity newsletter we make fun of everyone regardless of religion, sex, race, handicaps, sexual preferences, or profession; footwear and clothing optional; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; mental health could be affected by the reading of this newsletter; reader assumes full responsibility; parental advisory explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from small minded people, censors, and small children; no money down; no purchase necessary; some assembly may be required; instructions will be included; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation (as things could get steamy); this newsletter is ribbed for your pleasure; possible (make that definite) penalties for early withdrawal; must be 18 to read; and other restrictions may apply as they come to the editor's attention.
