THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 8, 2000
The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.
Albert Einstein
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. Sanskrit proverb
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If I could be any animal I wanted, I'd be a cat. I suppose it's because I could get away with treating human beings with contempt all the time. Also, nothing beats the thrill of stalking a nice long piece of yarn. Tristan Fabriani
I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination. Marc Beland
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: While insisting that he wanted to debate Al Gore in prime time, last Wednesday GOP presidential candidate George W. Bush refused to commit himself to the three televised encounters sponsored by the bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates.
[He wants to use a multiple choice format with Regis Philbin and call it "Who Wants to Elect a Spoiled Multimillionaire"...]
POLITICAL UPDATE: GOP candidate George W. Bush proposed breaking with tradition and making two of this year's presidential debates less formal, contrary to the proposals of Vice President Al Gore and the Commission on Presidential Debates.
[Second condition: No big words...]
BUSINESS:
The Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera reports that The Pirate, a coffee bar in the beach resort of Sperlonga, has begun handing out condoms with every cup it sells.
[They come in ribbed, lubricated, flavored, decaf, and with whipped cream and sprinkles...]
The owner claims that more young people have started drinking his coffee, with more than 150 people a day whisking the condoms into their pockets or handbags.
I was going to make a "cream in your coffee" joke, but then I realized I'd never be able to drink coffee again...]
ENTERTAINMENT: Producers of CBS' reality show "Big Brother" will offer one of the six remaining contestants $10,000 to leave the show so the series can introduce a more interesting replacement in the hope of adding more dramatic tension.
[Send in Richard from "Survivor" they'll all BEG to get out, then...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE 101: (Tirana, Albania) At the engagement party of two Albanian teenagers, the groom's father and the bride's mother fell in love and eloped. I especially like the fact that according to The Gazeta Shqiptare newspaper the future in-laws called their jilted spouses from their honeymoon in Greece to file for divorce. The teenagers are due to be married shortly. (Reuters)
THE TOP 14 THINGS TEXANS DO TO BEAT THE HEAT
NOTE FROM CHRIS: My home state of Texas is currently in the middle of a record-breaking heat wave, with temperatures over 110 degrees Fahrenheit (for you foreigners, that's close to 70 billion degrees Celsius!).
14. Fill up your Stetson and invite the neighbors over for a pool party.
13. Strap on an ice blue Colt .45 and feel that cold steel close to your skin.
12. Let the dog drive the truck so you can stick your head out the window.
11. Urban kids open oil wells and play in the gushers.
10. Hang out with George W. in the nice, cool shade of his father's shadow.
9. Simply turning Ross Perot toward Mexico reduces hot air by 22%.
8. Stand close to the Cowboys, catch the nice breeze from their free-fall.
7. Wipe your brow with a cool, moist Chihuahua.
6. Still go to the local pro, college, high school, junior high, elementary, and kindergarten football games, but maybe skip the local preschool game as long as it's still only preseason and we're not playing those lil' bastards from Bryan!
5. Imagine Al Gore as president and get a chill down the spine.
4. Head up to Dallas and stand in the shadow of a socialite's hair.
3. Stuff a nice cold Astro bat down your pants.
2. Slip the guard a twenty and have them give you your lethal injection with a "frosted" needle.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Texans Do to Beat the Heat...
1. Put a little snow up your nose then write it off as a "youthful indiscretion."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW WORDS TO BE INCLUDED IN THE DICTIONARY
As society and technology change new words start to appear in our language. The English language changes, not in the form of regional slang but as a whole. We at Comedyzine offer some new words and their definitions to be included in dictionaries that represent a modern version of the English language.
B
bounce-in-the-polls (bouns-in-the-pτls) vt., 1. a candidate's increase in the polls 2. a female pole vaulter that does not wear a bra or a male pole vaulter that does not wear an athletic supporter, where there is noticeable bounce from their body parts
C
che*ney (chγ'nee) n., 1. to strike it rich, to profit, as in; George received a nice cheney for his reward. 2. a war profiteer
clint*on*ed (klint'on'ed) vt., 1. to be accused; blame 2. to bring formal charges against (of doing wrong, breaking the law, etc.) 3. a sexual advancement
crop-dusting (krδp -dust'in) n., 1. a person passing gas while walking down an airplane aisle, usually a flight attendant 2. the method of spaying crops with pesticides from an airplane 3. the use of hairspray
D
dot-com (dot'com) n., 1. a semen stain, as in; Bill left a dot-com on Monica's dress. 2. A company that mainly does business on the Internet 3. A bottomless pit that consumes money
du*der (dυυ'der) n., 1. a person that often calls another dude 2. a moron 3. an unhip person
G
George Dubya (jτorj dub'ya) n., 1. someone who does not know how to spell George W. 2. a silver spoon fed empty suit 3. synonym for a Dan Qualye 4. (jτorj doob'ya) a big fat marijuana cigarette
gore (gτor) adj., 1. one that is stiff 2. n. triangular piece of land
H
hard*drive (hδard-drμiv) n., 1. a man's erect penis 2. a computer part 3. the journey experienced by passengers of a bad automobile driver
HMO (h'm'o) n., 1. an organization that puts limits on your health for monetary reasons 2. a gay man
I
in*tern (in'tern) n., 1. slut 2. advanced student, gaining supervised experience
in*ter*net (in'ter'net) n., 1. information link between computers 2. the inside of a net used for dragging the bottom of a lake
L
lew*in*sky (lττ'in'skκ) v., 1. to perform oral sex, usually by a plug and play
N
nap*ster (nap'ster) n., 1. a software program that enables users to locate and share media files 2. one who constantly naps
P
plug and play (plug'and'play) n., 1. computer accessory that is easy to use 2. a woman who is ready to have sex. as in; That woman is definitely plug and play
pol*i*ti*cian (pδl'e tish'en) n., 1. one who makes his living using other peoples money; often a leach or bloodsucker 2. a cheat scoundrel, scheming, opportunism 3. a person actively engaged in politics, esp. party politics, professionally or otherwise
S
sein*feld*er (sξn'feld'er) n., 1. one who is obsessed with the Seinfeld television show. A person who is compelled to mention the Seinfeld show into a nonrelated conversation; 2. a member of the Seinfeld family; 3. radical political group that wants to end British rule of the Seinfeld show
sur*viv*or (ser vξ'vor) n., 1. a person that connives and aligns for monetary reasons 2. to continue living or existing 3. one who gains fame and money from being stranded with others 4. a viewer that was able to watch a whole episode of Big Brother
W
web*head (web'hed) n., 1. someone that spends an unusually long time surfing the world wide web 2.one who is addicted to the world wide web 3. the act of participating in virtual sex on the world wide web, as in; Bob enjoyed the webhead he received last night.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE HOUSTON HURRICANE EVACUATION PLAN
Mexicans use I-10 West to San Antonio
Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette
Injuns use I-45 North to Oklahoma
Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas
Republicans fly Continental to Washington D.C.
Democrats use 45 South To Galveston
Longhorns use 290 West to Austin
Aggies use 610 Loop
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.
As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
BRITISH EDUCATION
Science
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
YOU MIGHT BE IN EDUCATION IF...
2. You find humor in other people's annoying behavior.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8-3 and have your summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell it's a full moon outside without even looking.
6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When you are out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.
9. You have no life August through June.
10. Putting all "A's" on the report card would be so much easier.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
13. You believe that no one should be given the government reproduction permit without having worked in middle school for 5 years.
14. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
15. You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
16. You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
17. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"
COMPUTER WOES
When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?
There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people, what did they need, a memo or something?
I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because get this my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!
Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt it every once in a while!
A NEW INVESTMENT SCHEME
Now, for the first time, the average investor can take part in the nation's most lucrative industry by purchasing shares in our mutually held LOBBYING FIRM.
If you're like most of us, you're always looking for higher returns on your investments. And while you may be familiar with stocks and bonds, currency speculation, IPOs, and all the rest, there's a new investment arena you should be aware of LEGISLATION.
If a mutual fund returns 20% a year, that's considered quite good. But in the low-risk, high return world of legislation, a 20% return is positively lousy. There's no reason why your investment dollar can't RETURN 100,000% OR MORE!
Too good to be true? Don't worry, it's all COMPLETELY LEGAL. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
With the help of a professional legislation broker (called a Lobbyist), you place your investment (called a Campaign Contribution) with a carefully selected list of legislation manufacturers (called Members of Congress). These manufacturers then go to work writing legislation: crafting industry-specific subsidies, inserting tax breaks into the tax code, extending patents, or giving away public property for free. In an assembly line process that would make Henry Ford proud, the legislation is produced, and you (and your favorite industry) reap the benefits! The effect on your bottom line is immediate and huge.
JUST CHECK OUT THESE RESULTS:
The Timber Industry spent $8 million in campaign contributions to preserve the logging-road subsidy, worth $458 million the return on their investment was 5,725%!
GlaxoWellcome invested $1.2 million in campaign contributions to get a 19 month Patent Extension on Zantac worth $1 billion their net return: 83,333%!
The Tobacco Industry spent $30 million in campaign contributions for a tax break worth $50 billion the return on their investment: 167,000%!
For a paltry $5 million in campaign contributions, the Broadcasting Industry was able to secure free digital TV licenses, a giveaway of public property worth $70 billion that's an incredible 1,400,000% return on their investment!
If you can get this kind of return when you buy a bunch of congressmen, just imagine what you get when you BUY THE PRESIDENT. Don't wait. Invest now and let the paybacks roll in for the next four years. Apply today!
FOR FREE, DO-IT-YOURSELF ADVICE on these and other investment strategies, CONTACT: http://www.billionairesforbushorgore.com
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
Section 6.01
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.
I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.02
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
CELL MIGRATION
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity, but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as "Mister President."
[Thanks again to Craig]
MORE OBLIGATORY EQUAL TIME FOR THE REPUBLICANS
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The Democrats do that.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to disarm the law-abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The socialistic Democrats do that.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
[Thanks again to Craig]
WHAT THEY SAY... AND WHAT IT MEANS
I want you back.
= You're the only one who hasn't rejected me.
I miss you so much.
= I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
Did you come?
= Because I didn't.
I'm a Romantic.
= I'm poor.
I'll give you a call.
= I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.
Trust me.
= I'm cheating on you.
I think we should just be friends.
= You're ugly.
I love you.
= You're a good lay.
Was it good for you?
= I'm insecure about my manhood.
I had a wonderful time last night.
= Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot.
= You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you.
= Next!
I think we should see other people.
= I have been seeing other people.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other.
= Give me head.
I still think about you.
= I miss the sex.
It's never been like this before.
= It's my first time.
Yes...Yes ... scream!
= Aren't you done yet?
FOR THOSE PESKY UFO ABDUCTIONS
(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
(3) Which one is your mouth?
25 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY
1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter, Tracy.
8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office used to be a stripper, invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass!
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present, thanks "Poopy".
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job, How big do you want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and morning breath. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sports center.
