THE WEEKLY RIOT
September 1, 2000
The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the full light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny — it is the light that guides your way.
— Heraclitus
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. — Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. — Snoopy
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
A: The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
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--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Every time I sit by this beautiful babbling brook and meditate on the endless possibilities that life offers us every day, the same thought eventually occupies by mind: I really have to pee. — Larry Baum
Some people threaten to sue when they're upset about something. Not me — I find that, "I curse you to die celibate!!" gives much better results, because almost nobody keeps a witch doctor on retainer. — Michelle Argabrite
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: GOP presidential candidate George W. Bush admitted on Tuesday that he needed to explain his tax cut proposals more clearly...
[And just as soon as HE understands them, he will...]
GOVERNMENT: An independent study claims that postal workers have gotten a "bad rap" from widespread reports of violence at post offices, concluding that the agency is actually one of the safest places to work in this country...
[Yeah, because all the dangerous ones are DEAD now...]
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Wired News — "Sperm: The New Digital Art"
Take sperm-racing, for example, which fits perfectly with this year's theme: sex.
"Sperm-racing" may sound like a mere gag, but the Ars Electronica folks are serious about their fun, and have fun in their seriousness.
So, yes sirree, the little critters will be a-wrigglin' and a-racin'. And anyone who shows up in the main square in Linz next week will be able to make his own, uh, contribution to the event.
"There is a big container in the main square of the city, in a public space where everyone can go," said Gerfried Stocker, the festival's director. "It's called the CASA, Computer Assisted Sperm Analyzer, and with this thing you can measure or determine the quality of sperm, the density, the mobility, the speed, the pH value, and this kind of thing."
See, we told you they were serious.
"We measure the speed, and make your ranking with all the people. The women can bet on their favorites," Stocker said in a telephone interview. "You fill out a form along with your donation. Muscles? Education? What car you drive?"
If fast cars substitute for sexual performance, the automobile information is, in fact, an important piece of information for the contest, Stocker said.
"It's meant rather as a funny and ironic project, of course," he said. "By looking at these questionnaires, the women can say who they think is the sexually most powerful male, who has the fastest sperm, and every evening we have the sperm race.
"The person who wins can stay anonymous, or maybe reveal himself and become the big darling of everyone here."
Sure makes 200-meter dash seem pathetic by comparison, now doesn't it? But Stocker insists there is a serious aspect to the Sperm Olympics.
"It's really about the whole discussion about how the quality of sperm in the Western world is constantly reducing," Stocker said. "This is very often used as an argument by very right-wing and racist people. If you're strong and do a lot of sports, it doesn't mean you have the better sperm. There is also no correlation with race or nationality. Still, there is this very stereotypical picture of all this."
And of course, there are souvenirs. Not the magazines and videos available in a booth set up for potential sample-producers. No, those stay. The souvenirs are photographs.
"You can get nice photos of your sperm racing, blown up a thousand times," Stocker said.
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Fox News — "High-tech Chastity Device"
The electronic device — attached to the elastic of a regular pair of men's or women's underpants — records the frequency and length of time an undergarment is removed, London's Guardian newspaper reported.
"There will certainly be a market for it," said Dr. Giuseppe Cirillo, a 47-year-old lawyer-turned-sexologist and founder of a Rome-based school on courtship and seduction.
The device, called a "chastity timer," would have an exact record of the period of time during which a person might have been cheating.
"If it says the boxer shorts were off for 20 minutes or an hour, then there is no excuse," said Cirillo, who has been nicknamed Dr. Seduction as a result of his line of video and audio tapes teaching men how to approach and conquer the opposite sex.
Cirillo said a man or woman who agrees to wear the cigarette pack-sized contraption will be making a reassuring gesture of love toward a spouse who might be at work for many hours or away on business for an extended period.
"Couples who want to demonstrate their fidelity will wear it," he added.
Chastity belts were invented in the 15th century and worn primarily by women to prevent them from having sexual intercourse when their husbands were away.
Cirillo hopes to develop a more advanced system that would sound an alarm on the partner's cell phone if the mechanism remained open for more than five minutes.
THE TOP 15 EXCUSES GIVEN BY FIRESTONE
15. Thought Ralph Nader was too busy being Mr. Thinks-He-Can-Be-President to notice.
14. Traditional wear-and-tear tests were replaced with "roll Beavis and Butthead down the hill" test.
13. "Those tires were designed to be inflated only with Cheez Whiz!"
12. "Years of working for Nike has softened up the third world labor force. You just can't get nine-year-olds to listen these days, can you?"
11. Handwritten order misinterpreted as "tree swing" tires, not "driving" tires.
10. "Marketing told us that exploding tires were a HUGE hit in the key '9 to 13 year old male' demographic."
9. "We shouldn't have gone with that cheap air from Taiwan. Our bad."
8. "It was a sincere but misguided effort to recreate for everyday commuters the fiery excitement of NASCAR crashes."
7. "Look! Over there! OPEC is raising fuel prices again!!"
6. "No, over THERE!! Somebody just put something in that bottle of Tylenol!!!"
5. "Okay, so we made some shoddy tires! At least we're not selling heroin to school children like some blimp-driving bastards we know."
4. That batch of tires were mistakenly "ribbed for her pleasure."
3. "'Operation Philip Morris' was proceeding nicely, but we accidentally started killing customers before the lobbyists were in place."
2. April 2, 1998: Firestone's CEO cut off by a Ford Explorer on the way to work.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Excuse Given by Firestone...
1. Too busy developing new "fragile porcelain brakepads" to notice.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
HURRICANE NAMING
Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named after his sweet niece, Emily. So in the next day's NY Times, he submitted the following list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave:
Hurricane Clinton: Moves right, then left again
Hurricane Powell: Heads directly for the White House
Hurricane Bush: Completely misses Middle America
Hurricane Perot: Small but annoying
Hurricane Dole: Eliminates roads, bridges and schools; spares only Kansas.
Hurricane Madonna: Leaves clothes strewn everywhere
Hurricane Oprah: Gets smaller, then bigger again
Hurricane Wallace: Hard-hitting but lasts only 60 minutes
Hurricane Heidi: Blows the lid off Hollywood studios
Hurricane Jordan: Stops abruptly at its peak
Hurricane Dykstra: Devastates Atlanta and Toronto
Hurricane Foreman: Devours everything in sight
Hurricane Steinbrenner: Threatens to move towards New Jersey
Hurricane Trump: Uproots giant maples
Hurricane Buttafuoco: Hits Long Island high schools
THE TOP 15 PROBLEMS WITH INTEL'S NEW CHIP
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Intel Corp., the largest maker of CPU chips for personal computers (including the Pentium line), recently stopped production of its latest high speed 1.13 gigahertz chip due to newly discovered flaws. And guess what? TopFive intercepted a secret Intel document, detailing just what those flaws are...
15. The message on your monitor says to tell Keanu Reeves that the office will explode if he types slower than 55 words per minute.
14. Sure, it's fast, but it's prone to premature calculation.
13. Doesn't have a specific plan for improving health care.
12. Only capable of handling 5.2 Windows crashes per day.
11. Never communicates with its motherboard — despite all those messages she leaves on its answering machine.
10. You do the math. No, seriously — YOU have to do the math.
9. Incompatible with Microsoft Salsa.
8. Calculated Bill Gates' net worth at only a half a gajillion dollars.
7. Since they added Olestra to the chips, your files don't get backed up any more.
6. There's nothing wrong with it! It's just working faster than the human eye can see. Yeah, that's the ticket... faster than the human eye can see.
5. When you boot your PC, the Earth momentarily stops rotating.
4. Runs too hot — but then again, now you can use your system's floppy disk drive to warm up Pop Tarts.
3. At high processor speeds, the tread comes flying off.
2. Too much Ponch, not enough John.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Problem with Intel's New Chip...
1. Critical flaw discovered by scientists at Los Alamos lab: you can place the three of hearts on the four of diamonds in Solitaire.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
CONTROL TOWER TALK
The following are accounts of (supposedly) actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:
The controller was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
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PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
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Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
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Tower: "TWA 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
TWA 702: "Tower, TWA 702 switching to Departure .... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from TWA?"
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied TWA and we've already notified their caterers."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.
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Hot shot new pilot at night: Tower, guess who?
Tower (as he turns out the field lights): Plane, guess where?
MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS DEFINED
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
CLASSIFIED ADS
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire terrier.
8 years old. Hateful little dog.
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Free puppies:
½ cocker spaniel —
½ sneaky neighbor's dog
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Free puppies... part German shepherd —
part stupid dog
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German shepherd 85 lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
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Found: dirty white dog.
Looks like a rat...
Been out awhile...
Better be reward.
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1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer
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Amana washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
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Snow blower for sale...
Only used on snowy days.
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2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
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Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes
with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto,
excellent condition $6800
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Cows, calves never bred...
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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83 Toyota hunchback — $2000
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star wars job of the hut — $15
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Soft & genital bath tissues or
facial tissue 89 cents
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Full sized mattress.
20 yr. Warranty.
Like new. Slight urine smell.
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Free 1 can of pork & beans with
purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
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For sale:
Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) — $50
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Nordic track $300
hardly used, call chubby
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Harrisburg Postal Employees
Gun Club
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Nice parachute:
never opened — used once
slightly stained
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Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
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Exercise equipment:
queen size mattress & box springs — $175.
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Open house
body shapers toning salon
free coffee & donuts
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Fully cooked boneless smoked
man — $2.09 lb
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NEW POLITICAL SYMBOLS
Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
Republicans are changing it to a dildo. It's a substitute for the real thing. You can screw someone and tell them it good for them.
HOW WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed — like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate ¼ turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
THE DOWNSIDE OF BUYING SPERM OVER THE INTERNET
"To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."
After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject: "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"
"Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."
Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?
All of the "product" originates from Mort, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girl's chatroom as Buffy15.
Donors from yahoo.com are just that.
They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.
Greater than 75% chance of getting a Joke List contributor.
No way to know if what you're bidding on is new or refurbished.
Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.
No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.
Now there's a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.
