THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 25, 2000
How much better to know that we have dared to live our dreams
than to live our lives in a lethargy of regret.
— Gilbert Caplin
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. — Katharine Whitehorn
It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head. — Sally Kempton
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. — Rumi
Even Napoleon had his Watergate. — Yogi Berra
It gets late early out there. — Yogi Berra
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? — Bertolt Brecht
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. — Ashleigh Brilliant
It is impossible to love and be wise. — Francis Bacon
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. — Robert Frost
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. — Robert A. Heinlein
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They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson, explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for a pair of pliers
It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands. — an unnamed politician in a speech honoring Lincoln
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. — Harry S. Truman
[Thanks to Twila]
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--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Sitting in my air-conditioned office, I wonder why there are no such things as nipple muffs. — Pam Pickard
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
[I've always wondered who made airplane food...]
THE TOP 17 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
17. "Thanks, Mr. President, but I've already met the delegate from the great state of your pants."
16. "No, no — our *good* billionaires give millions out of pure unselfish patriotism! It's their *evil* billionaires who are trying to buy the government!"
15. "As distinguished senior senator from the great state of Massachusetts, I hereby nominate the junior delegate from Vermont to go fetch a pitcher of margaritas."
14. "Come quick! Jesse's gonna try rhyming 'Lieberman!'"
13. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Clinton. I know L.A. is much warmer than New York, but it's too late to reinvent yourself as a half-Mexican Dodger fan."
12. "This really *is* the party of diversity — check out the Klingon delegates!"
11. "Mr. Bush's record is inconsequential. He lacks any credential for executive potential It's an illusion when he appears presidential. Which makes the election of Al Gore essential!"
"Thank you, Mr. Beatty."
10. "Given the 'lack of personality' factor, do you think we can digitally add a bong in his hand somewhere in the 'Years in Viet Nam' clip?"
9. "Come on, Karenna. Oh, yes! Who's your President? Who's your President?"
8. "We, the representatives of the great state of Mississippi, are proud to nominate the tall fella, second on the left, and his little Jew friend there."
7. "You can't swing a cat in here without hitting a Kennedy — not that the PETA delegates would let you do it anyway."
6. "Are you feeling OK, Mr. Carter? You're sure? No numbness or tingling? You're positive?"
5. "Mr. Chairman, the Great State of Tennessee, birthplace of the Internet, first in lackluster personalities, an innovative leader for fundraising with Buddhist monks, and friendlier to Jews than we used to be, nominates its favorite son... Al Gore!"
4. "Ms. Streisand says your time's up. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave the stage now, Mr. Gore."
3. "Well, one night Tipper and I were discussing Disney movies in Hell, and these are some of the examples we came up with..."
2. "Follow me to the ladies' room and hurry — Hillary's doing her 'pee standing up' trick!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Democratic National Convention...
1. "Who's this Al Gore guy everyone keeps talking about?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
EQUAL TIME...
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"
The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."
ROMANTIC PROPOSAL
Dear Ms. ABC,
Baby, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local railway platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter
Only yours,
Software Professional
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'RE DATING A CONTROL FREAK
15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell, "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park — *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
and TopFive's Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998, 2000 by Chris White
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN
What I Want In a Man, Original List (at age 22)
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1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Appreciates the Finer Things
8. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
9. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
10. Romance at least once a day
What I Want In a Man, Revised List (at age 32)
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1. Nice Looking — preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In a Man, Revised List (at age 42)
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1. Not too ugly — bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In a Man, Revised List (at age 52)
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1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In a Man, Revised List (at age 62)
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1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In a Man, Revised List (at age 72)
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1. Breathing
FUN WITH WORDS
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS — Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO — Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS — We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI — I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM — I think; therefore I waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS — The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID — Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF — Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI — The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM — Death styles of the rich and famous.
MONAGE A TROIS — I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD — Our cat has a boat.
VENI, VIDI, VICE — I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUOA — Fast retort.
ALOHA OY — Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.
MAZEL TON — Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE — Don't leave your chateau without it.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD — I think, therefore I Yam.
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO — I came, I saw, I stuck around.
ICH BIT EIN BERLINER — He deserved it.
ZITGEIST — The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.
THE PARACHUTE DILEMMA
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
PESSIMIST: You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
OPTIMIST: You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
PROCRASTINATOR: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
BUREAUCRAT: You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
LAWYER: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
DOCTOR: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
SALES EXECUTIVE: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE: You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
ENGINEER: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
SCIENTIST: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
MATHEMATICIAN: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
PHILOSOPHER: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
ENGLISH MAJOR: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
COMPUTER SCIENCE: You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
ECONOMIST: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
PSYCHOANALYST: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
DRAMATIST: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
ARTIST: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
ENVIRONMENTALIST: You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
SPORTS FAN: You start betting on how long it will take to crash.
AUTO MECHANIC: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
SURGEON GENERAL: You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
ASSOCIATION OF TOBACCO GROWERS: You explain very patiently that despite a remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 AM Gym and Tanning Bed
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 AM Hair Appointment
10:00 AM Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)
2:00 PM
(1) Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments;
(2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle;
(3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;
(4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
(5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags", where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership;
(6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and,
(7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest.
3:30 PM Protein Shake
4:00 PM Tea Dance
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theatre
11:00 PM Bed du Jour
THE ZEBRA
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
LIFE AFTER THE INTERNET
Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go... OUTSIDE. Here's a guide:
• Wear Pants — Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire.
• Use Your Real Name — Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666." Names like "Steve" or "Greg" are just fine.
• The Telephone is Your Friend — Hear that ringing sound? Pick up the phone. Now speak into it.
• If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It.
• Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson.
• Do Not Flame People — Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of help.
• That Red Stuff is Called Blood — Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals.
PSYCHIATRIC HELP
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
ALL YOU NEED IS MICROSOFT
Have you seen the current Microsoft ads on television? The premise of the "experiment" is to put a motley group of people in a large apartment with no connection to the outside world except MSN. The 30-60 second spots feel exactly like infomercials as various "spontaneous" events are carefully choreographed to show the subjects easily procuring their every need.
Well, harkening back to the 60's, the place where all the excitement is happening is being called "the MS crash-pad."
ARKANSAS VIRUS
Y'all have just received the "Arkansas Virus".
As we ain't got no programming experience, this here virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from yer hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on yer mailing list.
Thanks for all yer cooperation,
University of Arkansas Computer Engineering Dept.
