August 18, 2000

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
Victor Hugo, poet, novelist, and dramatist (1802-1885)

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

I understand that I am here on Earth to serve others, I just don't understand what they are here for.

Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg.

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson

My brother Bob doesn't want to be in government he promised Dad he'd go straight. John F. Kennedy

Gore vs. Bush... The same choice I have to face in selecting my pay-per-view movies every night. The Onion | America's Finest News Source

Furbies: Why spend $45 on a toy that needs constant attention when you can have a man for free?

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.


According to an online report, a Monica Lewinsky impersonator has been spooking the showbiz and media elite attending the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles by somehow gaining access to the city's top parties.
[It's not so much her looks it's the walking around on her knees...]

The Internet news site WorldNetDaily, said a consultant hired last year to improve security in the White House's computer network uncovered "massive pornographic video files passing through the system's Internet firewall," which protects the system against hackers.
[It's the erection, stupid...]

SCIENCE: Government research indicates that global warming could cause more allergies...
[I am allergic to massive tidal waves caused by melting polar icecaps...]

"As sexy as I once thought guys with British accents were, their lack of appealing social skills and poor dress sense soon overshadowed their attraction. I'm not sure it's
actually possible to become friends with a British teenage guy. His idea is to ask two questions...and then feel entitled to stick his tongue down your throat." Mary-Catherine Lader, daughter of the U.S. ambassador to Britain, on UK boys

"Go back to the Land of Jerry Springer and get it on with all the obese cretins and racist rednecks." Mirror columnist Bill Burrows' advice to Mary-Catherine Lader


NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.

Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over."

"Oink, oink, Pig 1 here, read you loud and clear"

"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"

"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over."

"That's right. Over and out."

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2, Houston, here. Come in please."

"Oink, oink, Pig 2 here, read you loud and clear."

"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."

"That's right. Over and out."

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

"Houston here, Kiki, come in, Kiki do you read us?"

"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear"

"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."


Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same, but you get the remote.


12. "No, this is the Reform Party Convention. The 'Magic: The Gathering' tournament is in the *big* function room on the 7th floor."

11. "Why yes, I'd love another shrimp quesadilla, Admiral Stockdale."

10. "Excuse me... can ANYONE here please tell this foreign reporter why Ross Perot and Pat Buchanan are in the same party?"

9. "...and the last candidate whose torch is not snuffed out is the nominee."

8. "My opponents can brag about attending Harvard or Yale, but how many of them can boast a degree from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

7. "Hey! Let's go throw rocks at the Libertarians!"

6. "We're about to split the party in two! Did everyone make a wish?"

5. "Okay, let's keep things moving...
neo-liberal anarchists to the left...
neo-fascist demagogues to right...
neo-isolationist crackpots wait right here."

4. "Mr. Chairman, the great state of confusion casts all its votes for H. George Robertson."

3. "You've got to see this! The Buchanan people have just built a 15 foot fence around the New Mexico delegation."

2. "Okay, Mr. Perot, let's do another take. Remember, your line is 'Yo quiero Taco Bell'."

      and's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Reform Party Convention...

1. "Now then, you see, this here big slice of the pie chart represents how much of my ass Pat Buchanan can kiss."

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White


OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell until I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your wedding day!
INSIDE: Too bad no one likes your wife.

OUTSIDE: As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me
INSIDE: Like the need for therapy

OUTSIDE: Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
INSIDE: I never knew what evil was before this!

OUTSIDE: Before you go...
INSIDE: I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.

OUTSIDE: Someday I hope to get married...
INSIDE: but not to you.

OUTSIDE: You look great for your age
INSIDE: Almost Lifelike!

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend
INSIDE: So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time
INSIDE: What do you say we call it quits?"

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

OUTSIDE: You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
INSIDE: I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

OUTSIDE: Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
INSIDE: So we're having you put to sleep.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.


I arrived at work one morning and noticed mouse droppings on my desk. This isn't exactly alarming since I work in the middle of a producing oil field. Feeling clever, I dashed off the following e-mail to the lady who handles such infestations.

> This morning I found scatological evidence
> of mice on my desk. Can I get some glue traps,
> or perhaps a cage with an exercise wheel? :-)
> Thanks.

I was certain that she would be impressed by my erudition and wit, but she proved both unflappable and more clever. This is her reply.

> I can only send over glue boards. Mice are
> considered unauthorized contractors and
> therefore are ineligible to use the company's
> exercise equipment.


Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing the autopsy.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?

She had three children, right?
How many were boys?
Were there any girls?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Yes, sir.
What did she say?
What disco am I at?

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
We both do.
We do.
You do?
Yes, voodoo.

Did you blow your horn or anything before the accident?
Sure, I played for 10 years, I even with to a school for it.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident?
Approximately milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

[Thanks to Dr. Mom CEU Workshops/Seminars for Mental Health Professionals]


Veterinarian's office:
"All Unattended Children Given Free Kitten."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 Days Without Pizza Makes One Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite Us to Your Next Blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, Can We Pick Your Nose?"

At a towing company:
"We Don't Charge an Arm and a Leg. We Want Tows."

On an electricians truck:
'Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If You Don't See What You're Looking For, You've Come to the Right Place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We Really Know Our Stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time Wounds All Heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome, Dog Food Is Expensive."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be Back in 5 Minutes, Sit! Stay!"

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please Be Quiet, We Need to Hear a Pin Drop."

In a counselors office:
"Growing Old Is Mandatory, Growing Wise Is Optional."


10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active...

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."


10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So does your hamster.

      and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.


The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot...

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


Late one night the engineer's wife caught him standing over their infant's crib. She watched in silence as his face displayed a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement.

Touched by this unusual display of emotions, with eyes glistening, she slipped an arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts dear."

"It's amazing! I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for just $46.59."


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive carphone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour boiling water down their throat and presto! the blockage is removed.

(A Collection of Men's Thoughts on Their Women)

... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? Ted, Wexford, Pa.

... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done. Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room. Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. Jim, Minneapolis

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs. Miles, Shreveport, La.

... every so often boom! She's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. Terence, Gary, Ind.

... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde. Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle. Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you? Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate. Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..." Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me. Neil, Orlando, Fla.

... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death. Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair. Archie, St. Louis

... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother. Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

... it annoys her that our children look like me. James, New Orleans

... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her. Bob, Charleston, W.Va.


The computer science instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.


22. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

21. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

20. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

19. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

18. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

17. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

16. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

15. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

14. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

13. "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two but he didn't mean two orcas."

12. "Honey Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

11. "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"

10. "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

9. "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"

8. "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

7. "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

6. "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"

5. "That's not a bun in the oven it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

4. "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

3. "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

2. "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"

      and TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

1. "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."

The Top 5 List
Copyright 1997, 2000 by Chris White


"Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into
small pieces."

"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the
whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]


1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair with hand soap (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust
your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[Thanks again to John]


WSF "will settle for" ("ISO leggy supermodel; WSF any vertebrate")

LWM "live with Mom" ("SM, financially independent because I LWM")

BTD "bore {you} to death" ("SF, enjoy long walks on beach, and the chance to BTD about my old boyfriend")

PEM "pathetic excuse for a man" ("You've tried the best *and* the rest, now try this PEM")

MMP "married male predator" ("MMP ISO gullible woman to string along until the sex dries up.")

TSZ "twelve-step zealot" ("SM, TSZ, enjoy endlessly obsessing about my twelve-step program")

CHF "collect Hummel figures" ("SF, 49, no contact with the outside world except shopping trips to CHF")

IPH "impossibly pouffy hair" ("SF, 21 ISO SM 18-45 who enjoys The Mall and my IPH")

ACS "Active Canker Sores" ("SM, with AKC ISO SF without same")

PDG "Pants Dropping President" ("PDP seeks big-haired minimum wage receptionist to show distinguishing characteristics of member...")


"There are grave issues facing this country: gun control, campaign finance reform and the very real threat that Kathie Lee might now try her hand at a sitcom."

"Supporters point to Governor Bush's education record in Texas, where school test scores have actually risen. But did they really rise, or did they just hit bottom so hard that they bounced?"

"So how do I pick a president? Much the same way I choose a driver to the airport. Which one will cost me the least and not get me killed?"

"Insurance is a uniquely modern atrocity. At the dawn of man, there was no insurance. You either lived or died. There was no fast-grunting biped called "Homo Deductus" demanding a piece of your meat every month to guarantee that your fire wouldn't go out."

"Elvis is the most important musical force of the past 100 years. Look around. You don't see any Beatles impersonators, do you? Except for, you know, Oasis."

"What do we know about Gore? Well, he opposed the Vietnam war, but served over there anyway so as not to jeopardize his father's reelection bid for the Senate. And there, in a nutshell, is a shining example of Al Gore's heroic willingness to die for his complete lack of core beliefs."

"George W. Bush doesn't stand for anything other than wanting to be president. It just kills me when Bush says he's not a Washington insider. He always has that same tone of voice as Calista Flockhart when she tells Steve Kmetko that she just has a fast metabolism."

"The truth is that come November 7, we'll have a choice between twin sons of different ideological mothers. Both were raised in powerful political families. Both received Ivy League educations. Both served in non-combat capacities during the Vietnam War. And both possess the finely honed edge of a butter knife in a mental hospital cafeteria."


10. George W. Bush. At least I'm not Orrin Hatch

9. George and his Dick can accomplish anything

8. Gore/Lieberman Marge Schott is our Press Secretary

7. Gore/Lieberman The Kosher Campaign

6. Gore/Lieberman We'll Buy Your Vote, But We Don't Pay Retail

5. Young Lesbian Republicans Want Bush

4. Bush/Cheney We Don't Smoke Cigars

3. Gore 2000 - If I can invent the Internet, imagine what I can do for the economy

2. Ross Perot Bet You Wish I Was Around Now, Don't Ya?

and the number 1 campaign slogan we'd like to hear:

1. Interns don't do Dick


Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]

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