THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 11, 2000
The only consistency in life is change.
— Unknown author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
We're a fake news organization and this is a fake news event. So I think we're the only people who should be here. — Jon Stewart, host of the ''Daily Show'' on Comedy Central, speaking about their mock coverage of the Republican Convention
The Republican National Committee announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others. [Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens — and then everybody disagrees. — Boris Marshalov
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
If at first you don't succeed, do what your wife told you to do.
——————————————————————My life sucks so bad my ears pop just thinkin' about it. — Gary Smith
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single stop in the restroom to pee. — Randy Saint
Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a compliment, "You make love like a professional!" isn't always received as such. — Derek Cockram
I still consider myself a member of the Mile High Club, albeit a self-inducted member. — Andy Pierson
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Numerous signs placed around the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia proclaim "George W. Bush — 'W' Stands For Women!".
[Hmmm.... What does "Bush" stand for, then...?]
LOS ANGELES (AP) — CBS apologized Wednesday for a violent anti-George W. Bush message that flashed briefly on the screen during the "The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn" last week. The phrase "Snipers Wanted" was shown Friday across footage of Bush accepting his nomination as the Republican presidential candidate at the party's Philadelphia convention. The network called the display "an inappropriate and regrettable graphic," adding that it and program producer Worldwide Pants, Inc., "deeply regret this incident." The company said it would take appropriate action.
[I personally have a funny comment for this story, but jokes like this are NOT taken lightly and I already have a government file on me (EEEEEK!) for an incident where I unknowingly crossed paths with a counterfeit bill. Although I have no idea how one would go about dispersing counterfeit money, I have a strong suspicion that depositing it into one's own bank account would definitely not be the preferred method — no one could possibly be that stupid, could they (OK, no one but my ex... LOL)? Luckily, when I got the call from the Secret Service (they handle Treasury fraud), they agreed with me on my dispersal hypothesis and declared me innocent, but I'm sure the entire incident is in a government file with my name on it somewhere. Anyway, I thought the article was funny and by the way, Worldwide Pants, Inc. is David Letterman's company.]
MEDICINE: Researchers at Johns Hopkins University have discovered that the impotence drug Viagra may also be effective in treating indigestion caused by long-term diabetes.
[You may still have indigestion, but with that two-hour erection you won't even care!]
Is the NRA president a drunk? Charlton Heston has confirmed he recently spent time in rehab because of an alcohol problem.
[Remember those cold dead hands you're gonna have to pry his gun from? They're cold and dead and *shaking*.]
Several towns in France have banned Super Soaker Squirt Guns — they say they're a menace.
[That's insane! Don't they realize if Super Soaker Squirt Guns are outlawed, then only squirts will have them??]
——————————————————————BENT QUOTE: "Breast-feeding is an immoral act." — Bruce Spencer, 56, of New York who was among a group of anti-breast feeding advocates at the GOP convention. He went on to prove his point: "It leaves people with an oral fixation. And the worst part of it is, the child doesn't have a choice." (Palm Beach Post)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT GUARANTEE: Oakwood Hospital's emergency room is guaranteeing 30-minute service. If customers don't see a doctor within that time, they will get an apology and free movie passes. (USA Today)
[Let's see, so if your spouse drops dead waiting in the waiting room the evening wouldn't be a complete waste since you could go to the movies for free...]
—== BIZARRE NEWS ==—
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
LONDON — After reading this Rosie O'Donnell may move to England! In a bid to save money British defense commanders have ordered Royal Navy recruits to shout "BANG" instead of firing live rounds in exercises. Media reports said trainee gunners at the land-based HMS Cambridge near Plymouth, England, were told to load shells, take aim and shout "BANG" into a microphone.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
NOTE FROM THE GODDESS: Couldn't find any good blonde jokes this week, so it's honorary "Redhead Week" (yep, I'm a redhead!)
Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A. She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
Q: Why do redheads really like their hair color?
A. It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls... it fires them up!
Q: Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?
A. They knew better.
Q: Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?
A. It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.
Q: How can you tell if redhead is lonely?
A. There are less than 5 men around her.
Q: Why are redheads considered evil?
A. Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?
Q: What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A. A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting "zero".
Q: Why don't redheads wear training bras?
A. There's nothing "in training" on a redhead.
Q: Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?
A. Ken kept having low self esteem issues.
Q: What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?
A. Nothing. "Frustrated" and "uninterested" don't appear in a redhead's vocabulary.
Q: What do redheads miss most about a great party?
A. The lack of equality in male partners.
Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A. She has scratched "Stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her claws... er... nails, that is.
Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you.
THE TOP 15 OVERLOOKED "SURVIVOR" SURVIVAL STRATEGIES
NOTE FROM THE GODDESS: I'm not much of a TV watcher, but I have to admit getting hooked on "Survivor". Even if you're not a fan, you'll get a real kick out of this link where the funny and talented Aja from the Survivor Sucks board did a video capture of the Machiavelian Richard's spastic little victory dance (upon winning the Immunity Challenge last week) and set it to appropriately funny music (you'll need Shockwave to view it): The Rich Dance. Survivor Sucks also has some great satirical summaries of each week's episode.
15. Spread rumor that the winner has to marry Darva Conger.
14. Hide Richard's swimsuit; wait for the others to puke to death.
13. Zealously guard your secret for fermenting coconut milk.
12. Join the Rat Tribe, lead an assault on the humans.
11. Step one: Plant lots of poppies.
10. Secretly replace your Tribal Council torch with wacky self-relighting torch from novelty shop.
9. Legally change your name from Bob Smith to Zbiegniew Vladigmovski, then relax when it's time for everyone to write down their votes.
8. Trade sexual favors to camera crew in exchange for their pizza crusts.
7. 1) React with convincing dismay when waking up to find your rivals' decapitated corpses;
2) Spend the rest of your stay searching for the "real headhunters."
6. Create dissension by encouraging one group to sing "...the professor and Mary Ann" and the other group to sing "...and the rest."
5. One angst-filled glance to camera while pathetically nibbling on a rat filet = one care package from PETA.
4. Gain popularity with the ladies by flaunting your nude fly-fishing technique.
3. Slip Richard extra rat portions to fatten him up. Around the others, begin referring to him as "the other white meat."
2. Daily lattes from the island's newly-opened Starbucks.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Overlooked "Survivor" Survival Strategy...
1. Begin nightly telling of your story about a group of people thrown together in the public spotlight and a bitter psycho loser who hunts them down and tortures them years later.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BIZARRE OLYMPIC QUESTIONS
Here are some of the questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive — Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth — to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.
Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
—== BIZARRE NEWS ==—
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
GUIDE TO CAMPING
• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. Eating one can also keep your sleeping bag warm, but do this only when camping alone!
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
THE LAWYER'S NEW CAR
A successful young lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off. As he got out, a truck came by and tore off the door. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Within minutes a cop pulled up, but before he could ask a question the lawyer started screaming hysterically about his damaged Lexus.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his rant the officer shook his head in disgust and said "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh no!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A man and a woman are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat then go back to his house, and she stays over.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow-going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says, "No." But you know I'm not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about ten minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just want to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.
BECAUSE I'M A MAN...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for Women, to better understand the Male animal.
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
FAIRY TALESThe little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time...'?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...' "
CATCHING THE VIRUSThe "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:
• The "I love you, too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
• The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus: Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "Hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
• The "Let's just be friends" virus: Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
• The "Unsafe Sex" virus: Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
• The "Safe Sex" virus: Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
• The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus: Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer e-mails over $100k.
NOTE: Due to the rampant "ILOVEYOU" virus affecting over 30 million computers worldwide, AOL has announced a change in their email program. From now on, instead of the familiar greeting, "You've Got Mail!" you'll now be greeted with, "You've Been Screwed!"
HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR WOMAN
• Be totally honest about everything, even the smallest detail. Tell her what she wants to know. Do this even if you have to lie about it.
• Listen without interrupting her. This is best done while watching a game on the TV or by thinking about someone else while she is talking to you. Also nodding "yes" every now and then and saying, "Uh-huh" often adds to the effect that you are actually paying attention to her mindless babbling.
• Never say anything which will cause her to feel unworthy. Avoid calling her pet names like 'Fat Ass', 'Lard Butt' or 'Blimp Bum'.
• Never say anything that will embarrass her. Being seen in a public place with you is enough embarrassment.
• Never go into her purse for anything. Unless of course you need money for beer or pot.
• Establish and live within your budget. Do this even if you must embezzle money from her family.
• Give her space when she needs it. You can easily kill a few hours at a strip joint or with a hooker.
• Always make eye contact when she is speaking to you or you to her. While doing this try not to laugh.
• Expect nothing in return because that is what you will get.
• Hold her face in your hands when you kiss her mouth gently. While holding her face slowly lower her head to your genital area.
• Pick your clothes up off the floor. Throw them on the Nordic Trac at least it will get some use.
• Be consistent in your behavior and temperament. Keep a constant 'buzz' on during the whole relationship.
• Don't ever criticize her. At least not to her face.
• Encourage her to fantasize. Especially about you, her and another woman, then fulfill her fantasy.
• Never let her see you looking at another woman. Even more important, never let her catch you in bed with another woman.
• Call her whenever you're going to be later than she expects. Make sure you have a believable lie prepared beforehand.
• Never criticize the clothes she's wearing even if they make you chuckle.
• Make sure the tires on her car are safe. Unless of course you are getting tired of the bitch.
• Admit you've been wrong even when you know you're right.
• Never expect her to admit she's wrong even when you know she is wrong.
• Never comment on the existence of a pimple and avoid popping the pus filled little sucker until you are in a moment of passion.
• Walk beside her not ahead of her. You may also occasionally walk behind her. This way you can see if her big fat butt has gotten even bigger.
• Encourage her to reach for her dreams. Unless of course her dreams do not include you.
• Always remember birthdays and anniversaries. Express your own love for her by sending an e-card.
• Replace the empty roll of toilet tissue. And buy some spray for when she is done using the toilet.
• Keep the toilet seat down at all times even if this means squirting it. When she mentions that you squirted the seat, tell her you keep it down because you know she prefers it that way. After she cleans your squirts a few times she will soon tell you it is okay to leave the seat up. She will also think your thought of keeping the seat down was considerate if not practical.
• Work everyday on improving yourself even if you already are perfect.
• To feel loved, one must work at pleasing a woman. If you can't please your woman then try pleasing her sisters and girlfriends. If you can't get love from your woman at least you will be getting love from those closest to her.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.