THE WEEKLY RIOT
August 4, 2000
To cherish what remains of the Earth and to foster its
renewal is our only legitimate hope of survival.
There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. Nora Ephron
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. Johann von Goethe
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. Mark Twain
Actually this is very smart. This is what the Republicans are calling a Wizard of Oz ticket. You see, Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain. Jay Leno, referring to George W. Bush's choice of Dick Cheney (who has a history of heart trouble) as his running mate
George is a survivor. And I'll tell you something, it was interesting. When Sue went into this whole dialogue business this dialogue last or monologue I should say about political the political process and what it takes to survive, George is a survivor. Marvin Bush, George W.'s brother (BTW, Ann Richards was right those Bushes sure seem to have trouble talking with those silver feet in their mouths...)
Bush brother devotes interview to "Survivor" (a link for the Master of Truth, Sam ;-)
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. TV listing for the "Wizard of Oz" in the Marin, CA newspaper.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Apparently, having sensitive teeth does not exempt one from attending sensitivity training. Dustin E. Hotz
Word to the wise: If you go on a safari, be sure to take a vacuum cleaner. That way, when the lions attack, you can just turn on the vacuum and watch the them hide under the couch. Richard Wurdack
If I ever *did* see an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of computers, I'd probably be at the Gateway Tech Support offices. Becca Five
Of all the lessons in life that I've learned the hard way, the ones involving frontal nudity and hot bacon grease seem to be the most enduring. Randy B.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: GOP vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney claims he voted against the Equal Rights Amendment when he was in the House because he thought it would require the drafting of women into the military...
[And we all know that chicks can't shoot...]
SCIENCE: BBC News | SCI/TECH | Ill Wind 'Killed Dinosaurs'
Dinosaurs were not wiped out by a meteorite or a planetary catastrophe but by a serious flatulence problem, according to a Chinese news report.
Dinosaur wind contained a high proportion of methane gas powerful enough to penetrate the ozone layer, said the China Youth Daily quoting a French scientist.
"The animals, weighing from 80 to 100 tonnes, would eat on average between 130 and 260 kilos of food every day. They would fart non-stop," said the traditionally austere paper.
During the dinosaurs' time on earth "the atmosphere became charged with methane, which finally damaged the ozone layer and brought about great changes in the vegetation," it added. The ozone layer protects the atmosphere from the sun's ultraviolet rays. The changes caused a food shortage which eventually wiped them out.
China Youth Daily did not identify the French scientist behind the latest theory.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Shannon, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
THE TOP 16 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION
16. "Gingrich... Gingrich... I'm sorry, sir, but you're not on the list."
15. "Very important, camera operators: only shoot him from the front. When his dad sticks his hand up Junior's back, it makes his suit wrinkle."
14. "What are all these women doing here? They act like they've won the right to vote or something."
13. "Man, this spotted owl is delicious. Compliments to the chef!"
12. "Governor Bush, it's time to put your Play-Doh away and speak to the nice people in the auditorium."
11. "Is that an oil company in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
10. "And now, the winner of the GOP Most Valuable Player of the '90s Award... Linda Tripp!"
9. "Someone get that drink away from McCain before he brings up that 'campaign finance reform' crap again!"
8. "Sorry, sonny, but this table is for grown-ups only Oh! I'm sorry, Mr. Lazio!"
7. "Man, this is boring I'm heading over to Chuck E. Cheese's for the Reform Party convention."
6. "Well, at least when *our* guy asks for 'blow,' it doesn't involve an intern."
5. "Attention: We have another lost parent! Will Mr. and Mrs. Quayle please come to the Main Pavilion? Your son is here."
4. "Excuse me, but wasn't my registration packet supposed to contain a wad of NRA money...?"
3. "I thought they were waiters, too, but apparently they're a singing group called 'The Temptations'."
2. "Sure, I still believe in helping the poor, improving education and eliminating tax breaks for the rich I just really, *really* hate James Carville."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Republican National Convention...
1. "Philadelphia is called 'The City of BROTHERLY Love'?!? Did those Log Cabin guys have a hand in this?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
People send you this list...
[Thanks to Twila]
ANOTHER BENEFIT OF GETTING OLDER?Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
[Thanks again to Twila and to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 16 ANSWERS IN O.J. SIMPSON'S LIVE WEB Q&A SESSION
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Last week O.J. Simpson appeared live on a website to field questions related to his controversial court case, his football career, and various other topics.
16. "What kind of smart-ass question is that? Goldman, is that you again? I told you I *still* don't have the money!"
15. "Johnnie does that rhyming thing all day long: 'We can't go to trial till you wipe off that smile.' Bugs the hell out of me, too."
14. "No, I could never kill anyone... but I *can* type one-handed LOL. So, what are you wearing?"
13. "Sure, Kato was a lousy alibi but he provided a number of other services that you can't get from a normal houseguest."
12. "For the last time, I don't have any inside information about the next Star Wars movie, you freakin' geeks!!"
11. "Well, the reason I decided to send my message to you today via the Internet is because in person, I run the risk of my detractors trying to sabotagxxxxxfjkljkl KILL KILL!! HAA HAA HAA oj'z been OWNED by dR MaD!!! kid rock rulez!"
10. "Simple: Immediately apply a little club soda and scrub."
9. "You're right! If I take my age, add 6, multiply by the number of times I play golf a week, and subtract the year, I get the number of times I stabbed Nicole! Um, I mean, *didn't* stab Nicole."
8. "So far, my investigative efforts have uncovered one clue: the real killer hates golf."
7. "No, I don't see how my unique abilities as a slashing runner to knife back through the secondary and leave people sprawled on the ground had any bearing on my post-football life. Why do you ask?"
6. "No contest, man. Sleepy Hollow. Musta seen that one five or six times."
5. "Of course I'm still looking! In fact, I can tell you that the real killers weren't at the Brentwood Hooters last night."
4. "Hmmmm... Jesus, my parents, Martin Luther King, Vince Lombardi and the Ramseys."
3. "From looking at all the clues, I find that this week Kelly switches sides to GERVASE/COLLEEN/SEAN. From the new alliance of KGCS they start voting off the other alliance, so this week is Jenna, and then next week it's Susan."
2. "Yeah, I'd *kill* to host Monday Night Football you hear that, Dennis Miller?!?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Answer in O.J. Simpson's Live Web Q&A Session...
1. "What do I think about gun control? Dude, you're talking to the only person in America who is subject to a 7-day waiting period to buy a butter knife!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY...Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
THE TOP 18 DENNIS MILLER MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL QUOTES
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Sharp-tongued comedian Dennis Miller has been chosen as part of the new broadcast team for ABC Monday Night Football this coming year. What can we expect to hear from the king of rants?
18. "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."
17. "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."
16. "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."
15. "Somebody call Janet Reno I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
14. "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."
13. "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."
12. "Hey, Cunningham Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."
11. "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."
10. "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."
9. "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"
8. "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."
7. "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."
6. "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."
5. "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"
4. "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"
3. "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
2. "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida'."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote...
1. "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE FUN WITH DENNIS MILLER
AL MICHAELS: Hello and welcome to another edition of ABC's Monday Night Football, tonight broadcasting from beautiful Fed Ex Field in Washington, D.C. I'm Al Michaels, and joining me in the booth are two new members of the ABC family, Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts.
DENNIS MILLER: Wow, Monday Night Football. I don't want to appear nervous, but I'm under more strain right now than Linda Tripp's Capri pants. I have to tell you, I'm conflicted about this. I usually like to be the outsider, the rabble-rouser, the iconoclast, but I also like a nice seat at a sporting event. And this seat is as nice as they get except I think I took one of Boomer's old squeak toys up the ass when I sat down.
DAN FOUTS: I was a quarterback.
MILLER: Thanks for that insight, Mr. Peabody. Dan Fouts, everyone. I'm looking over here, and he's giving me that same blank stare I see when I put my dog on the phone. Hey, this isn't the Senior Tour, Chi Chi. Try to keep up.
MICHAELS: Tonight the New England Patriots will try to get started on the right foot after a disappointing 8-8 showing last season. They take on the Washington Redskins, whose owner, Daniel Snyder, has paid out $65 million in free agent salaries and bonus payments in the off season and is looking for results.
MILLER: Snyder is throwing around cash like a screech monkey playing with a pop-up Kleenex dispenser. But he's a real hard-ass it must be great to coach this team. Norv Turner comes to work every day, hands his balls to Gus, the 80-year-old equipment guy, who puts them in a footlocker behind the Stairmaster until the end of the game. Did you catch that one ass-chewing Turner received last season? Lee Harvey Oswald got off easier in that little room at the Dallas P.D. And when Turner finally got out of there you could tell he was looking around, desperately praying for Jack Ruby to show up and end his fucking misery.
MICHAELS: The teams are on the field, and we're almost set for the kickoff.
FOUTS: I was the quarterback. I didn't go on the field for the kickoff.
MILLER: Jesus, Shaggy, saunter on back to the Mystery Machine and take a breather, OK? Why don't you pick up your brain off that pile of papers it's holding down and see what happens when you plug it in? The game's starting, and I feel like Corporal Agarn trying to explain supply and demand to the fucking Hakowis.
MICHAELS: As always, the Fuji Blimp makes its annual appearance at Monday Night Football. Glad to have you back, gentlemen.
MILLER: It is balloooooooooon! (high-pitched cackle).
MICHAELS: Starting at quarterback for the Redskins will be Jeff George, whom I guess one could call a journeyman at this point in his career.
MILLER: I have to admit, when I saw George on the roster I thought he had as much chance of making the team as Linda Hunt on the set of Baywatch. This guy's been around he's called a lot of plays under a lot of centers. He's seen more giant asses than a guest chair on the Jerry Springer Show.
MICHAELS: Snyder spent plenty in the offseason to sign star players such as Deion Sanders and Darrell Green on defense.
MILLER: Yeah, but look at that Fantasia broom army of social misfits the Redskins call an offensive line. I have a feeling that George's appearance tonight is going to be shorter than Mini-Me stooping over to pick up one of Dr. Evil's monocles.
MICHAELS: George drops back to pass, moves out of the pocket and finds the veteran Michael Westbrook, who is tackled after an 11-yard gain.
MILLER: Look, I'm new, I don't know that much about defensive schemes. But it seems to me right there that the middle was as vacant as an interview with Posh Spice.
FOUTS: I was in a Miller beer commercial, and your last name is Miller.
MILLER: Hey, Aristotle, save some of the probing insight for the rest of us, OK? How come I'm getting the funny feeling that this is an episode of The Munsters, and I'm Marian, the normal one? Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the useful comments coming from your side of the booth could be counted on the one hand of a bad wood shop teacher. I can still see the jelly on your forehead where the electroshock terminals were attached. When I took this job, they didn't tell me that I would be teamed with Pepe the Human Hamster on one side, and on the other a broken-down ex-quarterback who makes Jethro Bodine look like David Niven. I want to find the psychotic network programmers who thought up this train wreck and point out that this shit has to be harder to watch than a sausage being made.
FOUTS: I like sausage.
MILLER: Ah fuck it, where's my propeller hat?
MICHAELS: The handoff is to Stephen Davis, who is tackled at the 39-yard line by defensive tackle Henry Thomas. But there's a flag on the play.
MILLER: I'd have to say that was the poorest result since O.J. took the lie-detector test. And look at that ref, will ya? He's got more nervous tics than a Belfast valet.
MICHAELS: That play will be brought back, making it first and 20 from the 49-yard line.
MILLER: Hey, who took my Raisinettes? Damn you, Roone Arledge! Damn you to hell!
MICHAELS: George back to pass... and the throw to Westbrook falls incomplete. Ty Law covering on the play.
MILLER: I don't want to be a downer here, but how about throwin' The freakin' ball to the other side of the field, you know, cha-cha? You've got Westbrook drawing a bigger crowd than Anna Kournikova at the maximum-security lockdown at Rikers, while meanwhile the kid on the other side is lonelier than a hooker at a Star Trek convention.
MICHAELS: To be fair, there have only been four plays so far.
MILLER: Come on Al, you missing link. That receiver is being Shunned like an Amish kid with a nipple ring. The left side of the field is to George as a shower is to the French. You've got a better shot at hearing Charlie Sheen give the keynote address at a Promise Keepers rally than you do of ever
MICHAELS: Sorry to break in on you, Dennis, but Washington is guilty of a false start, and that will set them back another five yards.
MILLER: The ref is whipping out that flag like it's the only lighter at a crack house.
CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSICAL EDUCATIONThese are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter.
It is important to be able to reach the brakes on any piano.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
The plural form of musical instrument is known as orchestra.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
A harp is a nude piano.
My favorite composer is Opus.
Probably the most famous fugue was the one between the Hatfield's and the McCoy's.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
DRIVER'S EXAM ANSWERS
These are real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
FOREPLAYThere were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of there wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
MORE FROM THE MOUTHS OF SCIENCE STUDENTSThese comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City, Kansas.
As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." Please note that the original spelling has been left intact.
1. "The body consists of three parts the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five a, e, i, o, and u."
2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
5. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
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