Special Edition:
SEX, SEX, AND MORE SEX...
THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 28, 2000
Love doesn't make the world go 'round,
love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
— Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. — Oscar Wilde
There is no greater nor keener pleasure than that of bodily love — and none which is more irrational. — Plato
I'm not shy, I'm studying my prey...
There are some things you can get in the mood for all the time and sex is one of them. — Jimmy Connors
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
This could be the start of something average.
Falling in love is hard on the knees.
I'm tired, send one of them home. — Mae West after being told ten men were waiting to meet her in her dressing room
Give a woman an orgasm and she's happy for a day. Teach a woman to give one to herself, and it's buh-bye now! Take care!
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"
Erotic is when you do something sensitive and imaginative with a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken. — John Collee
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
WHIPPED CREAM FANTASY: Dolores Erickson was on the cover of Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass "Whipped Cream & Other Delights" album 35 years ago covered in whipped cream, and says she still gets recognized. She says she's been the object of men's affection for the entire time, just based on the success of that album cover. Facts of the matter? The only real whipped cream was on her head. The rest was shaving
cream on cotton. She was also three months pregnant.
——————————————————————
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
[The number one movie in home rental, however, remained "XXX-Men".]
——————————————————————
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
[Simple? That sounds pretty complicated to me.]
FUN LINKS
Men's Guide to Sex Toys and Sensual Practices
This is a really funny parody of a sex toy site for men — check out such items as the G-Spot Detector
Edible Bachelors by AllParody.com
The title pretty much says it all...
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS ADDICTED TO INTERNET PORN
11. His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
10. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
9. C:\Downloads\Porn
C:\Downloads\Porn\July
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM
8. Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
7. He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
6. Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
5. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
4. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
3. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
2. During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is Addicted to Internet Porn...
1. His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MEDIEVAL CONTEST
Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon."
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5-pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multicolored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10-pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multicolored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10-pound, not a 20 pound, not even a 30 pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multicolored banners... and the band played "God Save The Queen."
STRANGE BUT TRUE SEX VOCABULARY
CLIMACOPHILIAC: Someone who derives sexual pleasure from falling down
stairs (and no, I didn't make this up).
Are you sexually excited by the presence or mere threat of a tornado? Psychiatrists like to call you a LILAPSOPHILIAC; all the rest of us merely like to call you a less than ideal dating prospect.
A FROTTEUR is someone who gets sexually aroused by brushing up against clothed people in public places.
While most of us are glad those bygone days of youthful vaccinations are long gone, there are actually those who not only don't mind them, they actually get sexually turned on by becoming vaccinated. Some call them weirdoes, doctors call them VACCINOPHILIACS.
THE HONEYMOON
The new groom had been assured by his fiancee that she was a virgin. Given the state of modern morals, however, he didn't completely trust her; so he devised a little quiz for their wedding night.
Pulling down his pajamas, he asked, "Honey do you know what this is?"
"A wee-wee," she answered coyly.
Delighted by her naivete, the cracker corrected her gently, "No sweetheart, it's a cock."
"Uh-uh. It's a wee-wee," insisted the bride, shaking her head.
Slightly annoyed, he took her to task. "It's time for you to learn a few things, dear. Now, this is a cock."
"No." she retorted. "A cock is long, hard and it pulsates with a vibrant life-force all it's own. That's a wee-wee."
THE TOP 16 MENSA PICK-UP LINES
20. "What's a mind like yours doing in a body like that?"
19. "I know over 200 ways to please a woman. Tonight I'd like to finally try one."
18. "I just love a man in Starfleet uniform."
17. "Hey, babe, wanna solve the two-body problem by employing simple harmonic motion?"
16. "This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?"
15. "Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"
14. "Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"
13. "What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?"
12. "Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?"
11. "It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be overqualified."
10. "You'll have to excuse me — Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse."
9. "Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!"
8. "You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night."
7. "That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."
6. "According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now."
5. "If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?"
4. "I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus."
3. "Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"
2. "By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size — I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me."
and TopFive's Number 1 MENSA Pick-Up Line...
1. "Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
MENAGE A TRUTH
Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?
Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN...
• You keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for
• You realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
• You have more toys than your kids
• Your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
• You sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for X-mas, and get a free trip to the North Pole.
• You move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes out of business because you don't buy there anymore.
• You take up macrame, just to learn some new knots
• Someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot
• You watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
• You have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list
• You join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chain mail and work with leather!
• Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather after shave
• Vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!
• Leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
• You haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
DEFINITIONS
The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.")
POTUS Interruptus:
A sexual encounter prematurely ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.)
Feastiality:
Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 ½ weeks, or what?")
Nophylactic:
A form of birth control. Unlike the prophylactic's barrier method, the nophylactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.
Bromo-sexual:
Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."
Wargasm:
Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")
Frommage 'a Trois:
Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelet" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese).
Toupalactic:
A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.
BRITISH HEALTH PLAN
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where you could see a man through the window, masturbating wildly.
Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
"Ah," said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating medical condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day, his testicles will explode."
"Oh," said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it understandable."
A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow job.
"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM. "I demand an explanation for this!"
"Ah," said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny is in the local park being his cool self.
Along comes Susie, chomping on her piece of gum.
She says: "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny replies: "Nah, that's too old fashioned. Spit out your gum, and let's play President!"
IN THE SHEIK'S HAREM
Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women.
Suddenly the sheik enters the room, sees them, and roars, "I am the Master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession!"
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a policeman," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a fireman," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
CYBERSEX
I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night! I was on AOL and I went to this chat room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was. Something like, "Horny and Bald", or something like that.
OK, so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "What's everyone wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.
Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!
OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chick babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.
Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a
nap, I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.
I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything.
But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brainstorm.
I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all.
Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me.
But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was saying things to myself like, "Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh Jesus you're the chief of police, you're the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh God, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."
Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it.
I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to make a long story short I told myself "Fuck off, you Cyber Slut!" and I disconnected myself from me.
God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?
