July 21, 2000

The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on
those things that are in line with your principles and can
bear the full light of day. The content of your character is
your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think,
and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your
destiny it is the light that guides your way.

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

I asked my new secretary if she could take dictation. She said she only believed in democracy.

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again. Clint Eastwood

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. Lynn Lavner

An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. William Somerset Maugham

Copyright 2000, Chris White

Much to my surprise, the old "arrow through the head" gag resulted in nothing but compliments at the body piercing parlor. Kevin Green

One day, I'm gonna finally get up enough courage to actually go skydiving, rather than just being thrown out of the plane like last time. LeMel Hebert-Williams


Unless more money is found to keep the MIR in orbit Russian scientists will deliberately crash the 100 ton space station into the ocean next year.
[Memo to Russian space scientists: The ocean is the wet place on the map usually colored blue and a long way from where I live.]

BUSINESS: Frederick's of Hollywood has filed for bankruptcy.
[They've been in business for 40 years and they can't afford to buy a second roll of satin fabric.]


A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan', the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved.'' (From the Gloucester Citizen)

After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards'. The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name. (From The Guardian)

--== BENT NEWS ==--

Copyright 2000, by SodaMail

BENT STATISTIC: Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.


Redneck Date
(Safe to open at work)

[Thanks to Dr. Mom CEU Workshops/Seminars for Mental Health Professionals]


Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?" welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?", Silicon Valley's newest game show.

Here's your contestant questionnaire:

1) What quality do you value most in your partner?
      a) A sense of humor
      b) Emotional maturity.
      c) High bandwidth.

2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:
      a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.
      b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.
      c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and home computer.

3) Your ideal partner is:
      a) Interesting and attractive.
      b) Emotionally mature and understanding.
      c) Extensible and polymorphic.

4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:
      a) Dilbert
      b) Kernighan and Ritchie
      c) comp.lang.c++

5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:
      a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
      b) Call a maid service.
      c) Make clean

6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?
      a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
      b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
      c) A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for more horsepower.

7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his boss, you will:
      a) Give him a hug, pour him a drink, and tell him you love him.
      b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
      c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 pornography mailing lists.

8) Name the 4 essential food groups:
      a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
      b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.

9) You like to travel with your partner because:
      a) You share new experiences together.
      b) You learn about each other in different situations.
      c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.

10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?
      a) "I'm not particularly religious."
      b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
      c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."

11) You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because:
      a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad times.
      b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
      c) You finally got your local network configured just right.

12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:
      a) Keep your last name.
      b) Change your last name.
      c) Combine your names with a hyphen.
      d) Combine your names with an underscore.

13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:
      a) Your stock options are vested.
      b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.
      c) You've come up with a good naming convention.
      d) You really understand the use of multiple inheritance.

[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works: "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Thanks again to Craig]


When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."


Write in
0 if the statement is never true,
1 if rarely true,
2 if sometimes true,
3 if always true.

1.__ Conversations often begin with, "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."

2.__ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3.__ The cat is on Valium.

4.__ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5.__ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6.__ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7.__ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8.__ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9.__ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

10.__ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


30 A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do all day?


16. Charlton Heston Shot by an ape cleaning its semi-automatic "hunting rifle"

15. Pamela Anderson Lee Boobytrap

14. Susan Lucci Tripped and broke her neck while running up steps to accept Emmy

13. Barry White Ambushed by a squad of confused Girl Scout leaders

12. Alanis Morissette Killed just after winning the lottery at age 98, in a car accident during a traffic jam on her own rainy wedding day while receiving a prepaid free ride from three women who look just like her but with worse hair. Whoa.

11. Anna Nicole Smith Suffocated while working out on a slant board

10. Jenny McCarthy Struck by a random thought

9. Marlon Brando Choked to death while eating buttered popcorn at 25th anniversary screening of "Last Tango in Paris"

8. Keith Richards Natural causes

7. RuPaul Prostate cancer

6. Madonna Exposure

5. Al Gore Dutch Elm disease

4. Keanu Reeves Brain tumor

3. Marv Albert Hit by Victoria's Secret delivery truck outside of Carpet World

2. Pee Wee Herman Died by his own hand

     and TopFive's Number 1 Most Ironic Celebrity Death...

1. Gallagher Killed by Smashing Pumpkins

The Top 5 List
Copyright 1997, 2000 by Chris White


Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Forget Weight Watchers and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of 'things to do' that you've already done.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
Fill out your tax return using Roman numerals.
Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it all the next day.
Drive to work in reverse.
Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Send your doctor a bill for the time you spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Tape pictures of your boss onto watermelons and launch them from high places.
Make up a language and ask people in the street for directions

[Thanks again to Craig]


One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."


To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is... The stickers will be available at the front desk."

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as,, or

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house". That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use". We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job it's an imperative, all 37 ½ hours of the week!



And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said

[Thanks to Twila and again to Craig]


Here are this year's Darwin Awards. Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. The nominees are:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. [San Jose Mercury News]

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. [Hickory Daily Record]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted the demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association. [UPI, Toronto]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been open, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas". Three of the rescuer got sick and one was hospitalized. [Bloomberg News Service]

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. ["The News of the Weird."]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. ["The Indianapolis Star"]

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber cartridge from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse slot next to the steering column. Upon inserting the cartridge, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded eastbound toward the White River bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the cartridge case apparently overheated; the round discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

[Thanks again to Craig]

(Part II)

From Slate Magazine Updated weekly by Jacob Weisberg

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."
Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?"
Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."
South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some some doctrine gets subscribed to me."
Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth."
Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.''
Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."
Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses."
At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidization of failure."

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."
Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper."
In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."
Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them."
From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."
On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas."
To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement."
Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"Kosovians can move back in."
CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."
From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

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