THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 14, 2000
Love is the only way to grasp another human being
in the innermost core of his personality.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
The truth will set you free... but first it will make you miserable!
There is something truly pitiful in the way men hound each other for political purposes. We need no stronger proof of the truth of Darwin's theory of an animal descent than our periodical festivities over the reputation of great men. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 1890
Q: What happens when you take Viagra and Prozac at the same time?
A: You get a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where...
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't, so I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
Overheard at a bar: "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."
Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words. Woody Allen
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:ENTERTAINMENT: Fox is planning a low budget version of 'Survivor'.
[16 people are locked in a small room with Tonya Harding and a hubcap.]
COMPUTERS: Because of a computer error, the IRS may have overbilled American taxpayers by as much as $335 million.
[That's the problem with having computers that are almost human. They make mistakes because they're really only thinking of one thing: Naked computers.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
The blonde decided to do something wild she hadn't done before, so she set out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper,
been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.
PRODUCT WARNING LABELS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
NOTE: These are actually 100% true and for-real, based on our best current understanding of Physics.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
THE TOP 15 REASONS MORE AMERICANS ARE HAVING NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: According to a recent study, the proportion of Americans who say they've felt the threat of a nervous breakdown provoked by stress, depression and anxiety is on the rise.
15. "I'm good enough, I'm rich enough, and doggone it, I deserve to have a nervous breakdown!"
14. Just now realizing that sinking your life savings into your Beanie Babies Collection might not be able to put your kids through college after all.
13. Nervous Affective Securities Disorder Affecting Quality-of-life, or NASDAQ, for short.
12. Elevators are running 20% slower than last year, increasing harmful "Girl from Ipanema" exposure.
11. Majority of Americans now expected to take supplemental insurance advice from talking ducks.
10. Ten years ago: Your 5-year-old threatened to throw a tantrum at your office picnic.
Today: Your 15-year old threatened to buy out your company and have you downsized.
9. In your mom's day, planning the wedding didn't require first preparing for the nationally televised thong-bikini competition.
8. Getting the exact wording just right for your Starbucks order so the barista doesn't get all snooty is soooooo emotionally draining.
7. Due to a factory mishap, Taco Bell products in several states did not contain the required dosage of Valium.
6. Can't handle the sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Katie Couric every morning.
5. Every night, the same dream: "I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of mmmm... execute."
4. Most Americans: aging steadily
Kool-Aid Man: waving his perpetual youth in our faces
3. Thanks to modern health care, moms are living longer, healthier, more interfering lives.
2. Despite our never-ending hope, that Silly Rabbit still hasn't gotten the Trix.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason More Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns...
1. Because the heightened levels of adrenal secretion caused by environmen HEY!!! Friggin' AOL disconnected me again!!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
It isn't moving. Who cares?
First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect my light?
THE PENIS LIST
The Nuprin penis:
Little, Yellow, Different.
The Equal penis:
Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin penis:
It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Sprite penis:
Image is nothing...Taste is everything.
The Snickers penis:
It satisfies you.
The Alka Seltzer penis:
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is...
The American Express penis:
Don't leave home without it.
The Pringles penis:
Once you pop, you can't stop
The M&M penis:
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The Frosted Flakes penis:
The Energizer penis:
It keeps going and going
The Right Guard penis:
Anything less is uncivilized
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis:
The Allstate penis:
You're in good hands.
The 7-Up penis:
The Nike penis:
Just do it.
The Barq's penis:
The one with bite.
The Bud Lite penis:
Great taste, less filling.
The Transformers penis:
It's more than meets the eye.
The Nintendo penis:
Now you're playing with power.
The Robitussin penis:
Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Crest penis:
Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Champion penis:
The official penis of the '96 U.S.A. Olympic team.
The Toyota penis:
I love what you do for me.
The Citibank Visa penis:
It's everywhere you want to be.
The Timex penis:
Takes a lickin' and keeps on...
The Milk penis:
It does a body good. (got penis?)
The Generic penis:
One size fits all.
The Mortal Kombat penis:
Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis:
The quicker picker-upper.
The Bounce Penis:
The Domino's Pizza penis:
Delivers in 30 min or less
The Nyquil penis:
The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
The Extra penis:
Lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Wonder Bubbles penis:
Magic wand inside!
The Macintosh penis:
Power is everything.
The Borg penis:
Resistance is futile.
The Edge Shaving Cream penis:
Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Jell-O penis:
Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
The Secret penis:
Strong enough for a man, ph-balanced for a woman.
The Micro Machines penis:
A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Payday penis:
Its almost totally nuts!
The Yellow Pages penis:
Let your fingers do the walkin'.
The Life Call Penis:
It's fallen and it can't get up.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis:
How many licks DOES it take...?
The Wizard of Oz penis:
THE LOVE BOAT
What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
BIZARRE SEXUAL TRIVIA
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation.
Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it would make them rich and important.
Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.
Extra breasts a condition called "polymastia" are rare, but not entirely unheard of. In 1886 there were two women who each had ten breasts, all of which secreted milk.
In eighteenth-century France, a woman named Madame Ventre, who lived in Marseilles, had a fully functioning, lactating breast that stuck out of her left thigh just below the waist.
In April 1970, Gloria Sykes won a $50,000 judgment against San Francisco's transportation system for her injuries sustained in a cable car accident. The main crux of her argument revolved around the fact that she was now a nymphomaniac: she once had sex fifty times within a five day period.
The first recorded uses of condoms date back to 13th century BC in Egypt. They used oiled, animal bladders and intestines.
There are some cave drawings in France dating back to 100 AD. (Why the artist would memorialize condoms on cave walls is still a mystery.)
Back in the 1500's condoms were not used for anti-pregnancy measures (that was the ladies' problems back then) but to stop the spread of venereal diseases. The really icky part was that people reused the condoms, often without washing them.
It was not until the 1930's that single use condoms came into vogue.
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THINGS NOT TO SAY OR DO AT A JOB INTERVIEW
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say, "Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: "The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?"
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, "Of course I was totally hammered at the time."
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Overemphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PARENTS AREN'T HUMAN
10. While watching "Star Trek The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!"
9. No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican.
8. Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it... after you had dropped it in the mail box.
7. They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on.
6. Billy's parents the paddle. Timmy's parents the belt. Your folks the probe.
5. They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly.
4. Your navel is threaded.
3. You've escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener.
2. Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor's, by about 700 feet.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Parents Aren't Human...
1. In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d'oeuvres, salad, and an entree.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW VIRUS WARNINGThere is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words: "This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back."
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
Can a first cousin, once removed, return?
Crazy... is a relative term in MY family.
Genealogy: It's all relative in the end anyway.
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.
It's hard to be humble with ancestors like mine!
Life takes it's toll. Have exact change ready!
Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!
That's strange; half my ancestors are WOMEN!
Do I even WANT ancestors?
Some I found I wish I could lose.
Every family tree has some sap in it.
FLOOR: (n) The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.
Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.
Genealogy: A hay stack full of needles. It's the threads I need.
Genealogy: Collecting dead relatives and sometimes a live cousin!
Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
My ancestors are hiding in a witness protection program.
My family tree is a few branches short!
Take nothing but ancestors, leave nothing but records.
Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS VISIT THE BATHROOM
MEN'S STRATEGY FOR GOING TO THE BATHROOM
1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants. (Note: Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.)
7. Wash hands.
8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11. Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
WOMEN'S STRATEGY FOR GOING TO THE BATHROOM
1. Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.
2. Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
3. Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skunk who entered after you will get it.
4. Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5. Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6. Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!
7. Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8. Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
9. Relax and let the flow go, but make sure you're still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10. Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!
11. Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
12. Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
13. Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
15. Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
16. Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17. Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
18. Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
19. Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
20. Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.
21. Put jacket to side, blocking that skunk who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.
22. Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
23. Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24. Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25. Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26. Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skunk who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.
27. Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skunk who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.
28. Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast. You were really quick this time!
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE COMPLETE BUSHISMS
From Slate Magazine Updated weekly by Jacob Weisberg
Regardless of your political persuasion, Bush's butchering of the English language is a hoot...
"The fact that he relies on facts says things that are not factual are going to undermine his campaign."
New York Times, March 4, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."
On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, May 5, 2000
GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of I shouldn't call him my little brother my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.
The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000
"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know."
On what happened in negotiations between the Justice Department and Eliαn Gonzαlez's Miami relatives, as quoted by the Associated Press, April 26, 2000
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
"You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it."
Responding to a question about whether he and Al Gore were making the Eliαn Gonzαlez case a political issue. In Palm Beach, Fla., as quoted by the Associated Press, April 6, 2000
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000
"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal federal cufflink."
At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000
"Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads."
Fundraising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000
"I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, which is to call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. It's reform and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry. I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign."
Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000
"People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' They're changed. Trust me."
Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000
"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope."
In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000
"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.''
Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000
"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university."
Today, Feb. 23, 2000
"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000
"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."
To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000
"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?"
Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000