THE WEEKLY RIOT
July 7, 2000
If you haven't got all the things you want, be grateful
for the things you don't have that you don't want.
— Unknown Author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. — Groucho Marx
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. — Robin Williams
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! They never get the house!
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I'm feeling a little guilty. Today was the first day of the rest of my life, and all I did was drink Old Milwaukee and watch the Cartoon Network. — Larry Hollister
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
SEX: The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, know where babies come from, but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get there. Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you wrap around a cut finger.
POLITICS: The National Education Association endorsed Al Gore for president on Tuesday, calling the Democratic candidate a proven friend of children and public education. Boasting 2.5 million members, the NEA had already supported the vice president during the primaries...
[He was the only candidate with over a C average in school...]
ENTERTAINMENT: 'Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire' bride Darva Conger appears nude next month in Playboy — she says she believes God will forgive her.
[Reached for comment, God said yes, he does sometimes look at Playboy. But right now he's very busy trying to prevent the breakup of his computer software company.]
BULWER-LYTTON FICTION CONTEST
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is 20 years old. The challenge is to write the worst possible opening sentence to a novel. There are several categories including science fiction, romance, and purple prose.
Inspiration comes, of course, from...
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." — Paul Clifford (1830)
Three examples from the 1999 contest:
WINNER OF THE 18TH ANNUAL BULWER-LYTTON FICTION CONTEST:
Through the gathering gloom of a late-October afternoon, along the greasy,
cracked paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky, Stanley Ruddlethorp wearily trudged up the hill from the cemetery where his wife, sister, brother, and three children were all buried, and forced open the door of his decaying house, blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that was soon to devastate his life.
He had the regal bearing of a TV weatherman, his hair twinkling like the crystals in Ivana Trump's chandelier, his teeth white and snappy like high-starch boxers, his jaw strong and sharp as a Canadian high-pressure system, and an El Nino just itching to wreak havoc in her trailer park.
WINNER FOR ROMANCE:
The oil made their skin glisten as their bodies moved in slow synchronous rhythm on the beach, the water gently flowing up around their legs, birds floating in the surf accompanying their moans with songs of pain and despair, otter and seal carcasses washing ashore around them, and it frightened her and exhilarated her at the same time that their love under the open sky might be discovered by a Sierra Club cleanup volunteer.
RUNNER-UP FOR ROMANCE:
The stranger clanked on Mrs. Dimmelwitz's commode, and she avidly watched him — drinking in his pungent effluvial smell and gazing with flushed fascination at his tender, dewy buttocks peeping over his sagging tool belt — until, as he cleared the clog she felt her heart (its valves narrowed by the hard-water deposits of lovelessness) break free of its bonds and float like fecund flotsam, drifting free of her dreary marriage, her crying baby, and even the bloated Huggie, which had caused the clog in the first place.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS FOR ROMANCE:
Maggie had become so very attached to Butch these last few years, not so much like a remora on the side of a shark, nor even handcuffs in the night, but almost, but not quite, like an inoperable, yet benign, tumor, crenulating and bifurcating in the love-struck center of his brain.
Drunk with rage and cheap tequila, his hazel eyes like a green pepper floating in picante sauce, Guy Caliente entered the hotel lobby, staggering noticeably as a three-legged Chihuahua in a noontime catfight, while Portabella Porcina, like an overfilled burrito in her beige satin dress, stared with unremitting astonishment and peculiar passion at his disheveled and sudden appearance and pondered the flotsam of their cruise ship romance, a lust lingering like a salsa stain on a white shirt.
As slowly as an over-encumbered messenger swallow carries news too ill and woeful to present to a king, especially in a barrage of precipitation, I commanded the muscles in my brow to wrinkle, much like poorly installed carpet when you run really fast and stop quickly, showing my general displeasure at the fact that my now life-long spouse had dyed her eyebrows to match her prostitute red, three-and-a-half inch pumps.
WINNER FOR SCIENCE FICTION:
The remaining astronauts strung out on the long tether could only wonder at a universe full of eerie contrasts — brilliant stars against the velvety blackness of space, the hot flare of their comrade's meteoric plunge into the atmosphere against the cool-blue ocean below, the man's frenzied screams on the radio as he was roasted by the heat of re-entry against the icy calm voice of mission control as they grilled the astronaut on the far end of the tether, and how hilarious it had all seemed when he first yelled, "Crack the whip!"
DISHONORABLE MENTION FOR SCIENCE FICTION:
Zero-G has its disadvantages as a venue for lovemaking, shuttle commander Colonel Karen Sturgis realized testily as her twelfth attempt to achieve a docking with her handsome co-pilot, Major Matt Savage, failed utterly, sending her sailing into the airlock and him into the control panel, both acutely aware that they were disappointing the millions of Americans who had paid $29.99 to watch them on pay-per-view.
WINNER FOR PURPLE PROSE:
Rain — violent torrents of it, rain like fetid water from a God-sized pot of pasta strained through a sky-wide colander, rain as Noah knew it, flaying the shuddering trees, whipping the whitecapped waters, violating the sodden firmament, purging purity and filth alike from the land, rain without mercy, without surcease, incontinent rain, turning to intermittent showers overnight with partial clearing Tuesday.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS FOR PURPLE PROSE:
"Omigod!" Wendy Wunce exclaimed (to no one in particular), "This is like looking through a rip in the tattered and heavily soiled fabric of Time's underwear!: nonetheless, there she was, at her 30th high school reunion.
Her breasts were like ripe strawberries, but much bigger, a completely different color, not as bumpy, and without the little green things on top.
WINNER FOR CHILDREN'S LITERATURE:
The greedy schoolbus crept through the streets devouring clumps of children until its belly groaned with surfeit, then lumbered back to the schoolhouse where it obligingly regurgitated its meal onto the grounds.
RUNNER-UP FOR CHILDREN'S LITERATURE:
"You know, I could come to like this place much better than Kansas, after all," perked Dorothy to the Wicked Witch as they oversaw the Munchkin slave laborers refining poppies for the opium dens of the Emerald City.
WINNER FOR ADVENTURE:
The woods held danger at every dark, haunting corner, and Indiana Jones decided it was too risky to continue; he had already been attacked by a mound of fire ants, had a brush with poison ivy, and faced a terrifying encounter with the Forest Ranger's vicious beagle, Muffin.
MISCELLANEOUS DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
It's 6:15, she thought, and the newspaper should be here by now, then she opened her door and realized with disgust that the paper boy was still in her bedroom.
No one knew the troubles Alicia had experienced, but that was because they'd learned to tune out her whining.
It wasn't the best of times; it wasn't the worst of times; it was the times you'd get if you arranged all possible times (including even fictional times in which the nights were usually dark and stormy) in order from worst to best on the real number line from 0.0 inclusive to 1.0 exclusive and then used a really good uniform random number generator to pick a value in that range thus choosing the corresponding times — that's the times it was.
Miss Texas, Mary Sue Carol Langley, fluffed her bouffant blond hair and crammed her ample bosoms into the two-sizes-too-small bikini top, confident that her dramatic portrayal of Lady Macbeth in the talent competition and her passionate stand on nuclear disarmament would place her in the top five pageant finalists; but she couldn't shake the feeling that she had missed something when the judge from Arkansas asked her surreptitiously whether she could play on the harmonica, only to learn later to her chagrin that what he had actually asked was whether she would play around... like Monica.
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Home Page
SCIENCE EXAM ANSWERS
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
The largest organ in the human body is the head.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
Germinate means to become a naturalized German.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
Algebracial symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
TWO LAWYERSTwo lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time... do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
... The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN1.
10. They have boobs!!
PLAYGIRL'S MAN OF THE MONTHFrom the Executive Offices of Playgirl, Inc.
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid photo which we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use your photo as our "Playgirl's Man of the Month".
When rated by our AAW (Avaricious American Women) on a scale of 1-10, your body was rated a minus 2 (-2). The panel is comprised of widowed females ranging in ages from 50-75 years old who have been deprived of sexual activity for a minimum of five years. To confirm your below average rating, we submitted your photograph to a second panel, the HUHA (Horny Undersexed Housewives of America), whose age range from 25-35. However, we could not get them to contain their laughter long enough to rate you.
Please be assured, that should the tastes of American women deteriorate so drastically that a body such as yours would be in demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, please do not call us, we will call you.
P.S. It pains us to inform you, that had your photo been used, the staple holding our centerfold together would have completely obstructed what you refer to as your "love tool of the 21st Century".
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
THE TOP 15 SURPRISES IN THE HUMAN GENOME MAP
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Two research centers announced this week that they have sketched a map detailing the secrets of human genetic structure (our DNA). This will usher in a new era of gene-based medicine and disease treatment.
15. The map hasn't yet been updated to reflect the breakup of the former Yugoslavia.
14. The DNA of males contains three identical sets of Nitrase/Ytranine/Ultrase/Kitanine — or as they're written chemically: NYUK, NYUK, NYUK.
13. Ironically, the "Waldo" gene was the easiest to find.
12. The blue gene exists in 3 genotypes: Straight Leg, Loose Fit and Button-Fly.
11. Tiny villages of Hobbits actually live in our DNA and produce minute quantities of wool — which we've been ignorantly referring to as "navel lint" and throwing away for centuries.
10. Apparently, we're *all* descended from either Thomas Jefferson or Wilt Chamberlain.
9. Help is on the way for TopFive contributors, as a single gene is found to be responsible for social ineptitude, pasty skin, droll wit, and a propensity for getting toilet paper stuck to the bottom of one's shoe.
8. It's nearly impossible to re-fold it along the original creases.
7. *All* men have the "huge penis" gene, but since they refuse to read the directions...
6. Further scientific evidence, if any was needed, that Michael Jackson is indeed a freak.
5. Amazingly enough, the "Dumb Blonde" gene is nowhere near "Large Breasts" gene.
4. Cleanliness is *not* next to godliness — it's actually between obsessive neatness and anal retentiveness.
3. 94% of the male population have either the "Unable To Repress Cheesy Jack Nicholson Impression" gene or the "Jumping Up To Touch The Awning" gene.
2. Beer-drinking gene conveniently located next to bathroom-locating gene.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise In The Human Genome Map...
1. Now that there's a map, male scientists will attempt to cure diseases by randomly throwing stuff into beakers, stubbornly refusing to use the map or ask for directions — all the while insisting the cure is right around the next corner.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
ALTERNATE TERMS FOR "CUBICLE"
• Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
• Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
• Yuppie Terrarium
• International Porn Downloading Headquarters
• Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
• Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
HEAVEN AND HELL
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn."
BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGEBEFORE: You take my breath away
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating
BEFORE: Twice a night
AFTER: Twice a month
BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
BEFORE: Don't stop
AFTER: Don't start
BEFORE: Is that all you're having?
AFTER: Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
BEFORE: Saturday Night Fever
AFTER: Monday Night Football
BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
BEFORE: The Sound of Music
AFTER: The Sound of Silence
BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm
BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE: Victoria's Secret
BEFORE: Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER: Ball and chain
BEFORE: Time stood still
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere
BEFORE: Charming and Noble
BEFORE: I love a woman with curves
AFTER: I never said you were fat
BEFORE: He's completely lost without me
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE: Time stood still
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere
BEFORE: Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER: Bagel and instant
BEFORE: You look so seductive in black
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing
BEFORE: Iambic Pentameter
AFTER: Blank Verse
BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
BEFORE: Once upon a time
AFTER: The end
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
• Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
• PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
• Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
• Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
• A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
• Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
• Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
• "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
• Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
• Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
• Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
• Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
• Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
• Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
• Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
• Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
• Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
• Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
• All toilet seats would be nailed down.
• Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
• TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
• All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
• During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
• Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
• After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
• For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE ON A MAFIA HIT LIST
10. Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your infomercial telling others how to do likewise.
9. AOL calls to tell you your ID has been changed to SammyTheWeasel.
8. Brakes seem squishy, accelerator's kinda stuck, and there's a half-eaten canolli in your ashtray.
7. "I'm afraid you've TP'd Mr. Sinatra's estate for the last time, my friend."
6. The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you toward the Nike "Concrete Jordans."
5. Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.
4. New Dominos delivery guy is in his mid-50's, and he's wearing a white suit with a black shirt.
3. The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.
2. Not only have you received the "kiss of death," but also the "pat on the butt of death," the "hand on your knee of death," and now the "genital fondle of death."
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign You're on a Mafia Hit List...
1. The prostitute's head you found in your bed can only be the work of Tony "Hard of Hearing" Mancuso.