THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 30, 2000
Our lives are filled with opportunities to bless others.
The power of a single glance or an
encouraging smile must never be underestimated.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check.
A fool and his money are soon elected...
We may not be able to imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex — but Congress can. — Cullen Hightower
I don't doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than you can with vinegar. But... who in the hell wants a lot of flies anyway?
Campbell's Soup Corp. has announced they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of one small weenie in hot water.
We're not laughing AT you, we're laughing WITH you. Now, if you'd just start laughing, the whole concept would work just fine.
Bill Gates topped the Forbes billionaire list at $51 billion. Looks like the Bible is wrong. It should have read, "The geek shall inherit the earth". — Argus Hamilton
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M
——————————————————————
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I cut the bill for my 900 number phone calls in half! Now I just talk dirty to my Psychic Friend. — Scott Carpenter
If your hindsight isn't quite 20/20, can a doctor perform LASIK surgery on your butt to correct it? — Paul Hughes
Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have. That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers. — Corrina Bunch
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
• There's a report CBS may develop a kids version of its top-rated show 'Survivor'.
[I can see it now: A bunch of teens are stranded at the mall without a ride home. And horror — it's a mall with no video arcade! They are forced to survive on pizza they buy with money they make from selling their designer clothing.]
• Fox is planning a low budget version of 'Survivor'.
[16 people are locked in a small room with Tonya Harding and a hubcap.]
SPORTS: Interesting item on CNN about European soccer violence. One nasty thing your average British soccer fan likes to do: He urinates into a beer bottle and throws it on the field.
[This tactic can freshen the air if the French team is playing.]
SEX: In Denmark: Scientists say they've developed a scent that is guaranteed to make women become aroused.
[Apparently it smells just like a brand new Visa card.]
GOVERNMENT: President Clinton announced Saturday that the government will consolidate its 20,000 Websites into a single Internet location...
[And whatever you can't find on this site you can find behind the copy machine at Los Alamos...]
BLONDE NEWS?: In LA, a bungee jumper wound up a little embarrassed when
her brand new breast implants fell out during her jump. The 27 year old had the surgery to take her from an A cup to a D cup just a couple days prior and had been warned by her doctor to avoid strenuous physical activity...
[You know, like thinking...]
——————————————————————
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
TRUE LOVE: Phnom Penh — Hout Sitha, 35, sought the hand of his would-be bride Nha Thavy but was refused by his lover's family. His solution? He grabbed his AK-47 and took Nha and her entire family hostage. After hours of threats and promises to burn their house down the families agreed that Sitha could marry Thavy. (Reuters)
[Now there's a marriage bound for success...]
BENT STATISTICS:
• Cost of an average wedding? 1/2 the average annual salary.
• Life span of an average marriage in the U.S.? 8 years.
• Percentage of married men who say that there is a "very low" chance that their marriage will end in divorce? 75%
• Percentage. of marriages that end in divorce? 50%
• Cost of an average divorce? 3 year's salary
• Women are twice as likely to propose ending a marriage than men.
• Average time after a divorce than men remarry? Three years.
[Let's see, a men falls in love, spends a year's salary on his wedding, lives for 8 years seated on the couch with his buddies watching Survivor, gets shocked when his wife says she's leaving and spends three year's pay for the divorce. He then convinces himself it must have been her fault and does it all over again in three years.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
A: Refueling.
——————————————————————
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
IT'S THE BLONDES' REVENGE!
A: No one else wants it.
Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A: Invisible.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: "Has the blonde left yet?"
Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.
Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
I'MAMORON" E-MAIL BUG FOOLS MILLIONS
A deadly e-mail virus, created to topple the Indonesian sports shoe industry, has spread like wildfire throughout the globe.
The virus, cleverly disguised as a harmless bug with a heart-shaped body, and e-mailed with the subject I'MAMORON ("I'm a moron"), had millions of Internet users double-clicking it — only to lose all JPEG, MPEG, and other valuable files.
"I consider myself an intelligent person," said top PA Melissa (her real name), "and I was completely fooled. After all, the mail came from a trusted source — a guy in China that I met at a company dinner once."
Like most other victims, Melissa lost valuable data. Her hard drive contained 400 unanswered e-mails addressed to her boss, pictures of Antonio Banderas, and Celene Dion, Whitney Houston, and Brian Adams sound files that she spent countless hours of company time downloading.
ISP CEO said that he expects still more victims. "These vicious online arsonists just get sneakier and sneakier," he said. "They disguise their work so cleverly that even I completely innocently opened I'MAMORON."
And it's not over yet! Rumors abound that an even deadlier strain of the virus is in the pipeline. The follow-up is expected to be called "ONLYTOTALFUCKINGIDIOTSCLICKHERE" and is even cuter than it's predecessor. Specialists predict widespread damage.
REASONS NOT TO BREAK MICROSOFT IN TWO
10. Microsoft investors know this is the first sign of the apocalypse.
9. This would make Steve Ballmer angry. You wouldn't like Steve Ballmer angry... (cue Hulk music)
8. Tough to double Microsoft joke output, at high levels such as it already is.
7. Everybody knows that it takes at least 3 versions of Microsoft before you get anything good.
6. Two wrongs do not make a right.
5. There are already enough companies producing bloated, overpriced software.
4. Bill Gates makes a better richest man in the world than Larry Ellison.
3. Already sick of the phrase "Baby Bills".
2. Pictures of Janet Reno and Joel Klein doing a victory dance.
1. Gates would head Microsoft, Ballmer would head new company called Ballsoft.
TALK RADIO
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. "Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. "Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
THE WORLD'S OLDEST PROFESSION
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
INFINITE WISDOM
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
KIDS' IDEAS ABOUT SCIENCE
(From the Boston Globe)
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and, if you don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
THE TOP 17 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your dork is ajar.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. I can see your Gap dancers.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has left the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
6. Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I see you have an opening in senior management.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
1. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
UNIVERSITY SEMINARS FOR MEN (FALL CATALOG)
Once again, the female staff at the University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
ETIQUETTE AND BEHAVIOR:
• EB101: PMS — Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
• EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
• EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
• EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
• EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• EB107: Attainable Goal — Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
• EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
GENERAL ELECTIVES:
• GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
• GE102: Mothers-in-law Are People Too
• GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
• GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
• GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
HOME ECONOMICS:
• HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
• HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
• HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
• HE104: Garbage — Getting It To The Curb
• HE105: Get A Life — Learn To Cook
• HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
• HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
• HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
• HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
• HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS:
• IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00 AM
• IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
• IR103: Give Me A Break — Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
• IR104: Romanticism — Other Ideas Beyond Sex
• IR105: Marriage — Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
LIFE SKILLS:
• LS101: Combating Stupidity
• LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
• LS103: Spelling — Even You Can Get It Right
• LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
• LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
• LS106: The Remote Control — Overcoming Your Dependency
• LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
• LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
• LS109: Changing Your Underwear — It Really Works!
• LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-life Crisis
• LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
SEX EDUCATION:
• SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
• SE102:
Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma — If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
• SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
• SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
• SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
• SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
• SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
• SE108: Foreplay — The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
[Thanks again to Craig]
RULES IF YOU AREN'T FROM THE SOUTH
1. Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Inex, etc.) These people have been known to beat a man's butt for less.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
4. Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. (NC State, FL State, Duke, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.
5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.
6. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here.
7. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that your from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.
8. Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.
9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
11. We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners do understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.
12. Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box. Nuff said.
[Thanks again to Craig]
MORE LAWYER JOKES
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
THE BEST AND WORST COURSE EVALUATIONS OF ALL TIME
Colleges regularly have their students evaluate the courses they have just taken (and the profs) in an attempt to find the good and bad in them, with an eye toward improvement. Here are a few examples taken from those evaluations:
• "This class was a religious experience for me, I had to take it all on faith."
• "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
• "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
• "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
• "Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
• "Have you ever fell asleep in one class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
• "In class I learn that I can fudge answers and get away with it."
• "Keep lecturer, or the tenure board will be shot."
• "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
• "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
• "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
• "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
• "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
• "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
• "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - It's a great stress reliever."
• "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
• "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
• "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
• "This course kept me out of trouble from 2:00-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
• "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."
• "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
• "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose — spraying in all directions — no way to stop it.
• "I never bought the text. My $80 was better spent on music CD's — I used them more than I would have used the text while doing the problem sets."
• "What's the quality of the text?" "Text is printed on high quality paper."
[Thanks again to Craig]
I ONLY *THOUGHT* I WAS CONFUSED UNTIL I READ THIS...
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
• The handsome men without money are after our money.
• The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
• The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and never make the first move!
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
Now... who in the hell understands men?
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE TOP 15 FREUDIAN PICK-UP LINES
15. "My sign is Ramses, what's yours?"
14. "You're one hot Mama... But of course, all women are!"
13. "You ego may be saying 'no', but your id is giving me a tongue bath."
12. "Wanna come back to my place and do something you'll repress later?"
11. "Did I tell you I'm a Certified Pubic Accountant?"
10. "Y'know, a few minutes of probing on my couch and you'd be a completely different woman."
9. "You *must* be tired, because you've been running through my passive-aggressive-libido-suppressed mind all night."
8. "You remind me of my mother when she was Jung."
7. "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're also putting hot dogs through doughnuts."
6. "I'll envy yours, if you'll envy mine."
5. "Mind if I put my cigar in your ashtray?"
4. "I believe in putting the 'psycho' back in 'psychoanalysis.'"
3. "Can I buy you a shrink?"
2. "...Oops! I mean Horatio! My name is *Horatio*."
and TopFive's Number 1 Freudian Pick-Up Line...
1. "...and ven I snap my fingers, you vill put your clothes back on and remember none of zis..."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
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