June 23, 2000

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Man [has] always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much the wheel, New York, wars and so on while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man for precisely the same reason. Douglas Adams

I had a big scare last week when I lost my hard drive! Fortunately I found it again a few days later, stuck behind the fax machine. All the sensitive data (my Britney Spears photo collection) was intact. However, I'm questioning everyone who's been in my room lately...

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I am Dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

I am MS-DOS of Borg. Prepare... oops, out of memory!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye.

My mother-in-law keeps asking why we haven't had children. I figure having a husband AND a child would be redundant.

My parents have been married for fifty years. I asked my mother how they did it. She said, "You just close your eyes and pretend it's not happening." Rita Rudner

I don't think of myself as single. I'm romantically challenged. Stephanie Piro

Copyright 2000, Chris White

When I hold a party I only invite accountants. That way, I know I'll be the funniest person there. David Vincent

I'll bet people who aren't as bitter as I am don't have nearly as much fun with telemarketers. Pam Pickard

When men complain about a woman losing her sex drive, they don't stop to think that maybe the woman in question just doesn't like the car she's driving. Shelli Tomlinson

Goals For 2000:
Long Term: Ten percent reduction in anal tendencies.
Short Term: Create Power Point presentation detailing plan to accomplish long term goal.
Jeff Buckley


Members of the UNITE garment workers union have accused Regis Philbin of attaching his name to a line of shirts and ties made by the Van Heusen Company, who have a history of production at abusive foreign factories...
[For job interviews Regis plays a game with applicants called "Who Wants to be a Hundred-aire"...]

GLOBAL POLITICS: THE GOLDEN ARCHES THEORY OF CONFLICT PREVENTION U.S. research has discovered that no two nations with McDonald's restaurants have ever gone to war. "This is no small achievement," adds The Sunday Telegraph. Last week, Belarus and Tahiti saw McDonald's restaurants open, bringing the tally to 101 countries. The so-called Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention, conceived by Thomas Friedman in The New York Times, holds that countries can only support a McDonald's when they have reached a sufficient level of economic prosperity and political stability to make war unattractive to its people.

Rejecting GOP calls he resign over security lapses, Energy Secretary Bill Richardson said Sunday there is no evidence two computer drives with nuclear secrets ever left the Los Alamos lab or that espionage was involved in their disappearance. He suggested panicked scientists may have misplaced the devices, triggering a cover-up. The two tapes were found Friday behind a copying machine...
[And the guy in the copy room was goin', "Mister nuke scientist, hidin' the codes... nuke-a-rama... the spy-meister... stealin' the hard drives..."]

--== BENT NEWS ==--

Copyright 2000, by SodaMail

BENT RADIO LEAD-IN STORY "Israel today captured ten lesbian terrorists." Rachel Irvine reading the four-o'clock news headline at a regional radio station (should have been Lebanese).

BENT STATISTICS Percentage of British men who wear their trousers too tight? 50% (Nottingham Trent University survey). Percentage who admit doing so? 10% (same survey). Quote from the survey: "They (the men) will squeeze into trousers which are too small because they don't want to admit they have put on weight." The best part is that only four out of ten men who were then shown three dimensional images of their bodies were able to identify themselves...


Copyright 2000, Jim Rosenberg

Scientist Garry Lee, a forensic chemist, is close to developing a condom "fingerprinting" test.
["Dust over there, no higher, to the left a little, RIGHT THERE! YESSS!"]

Scientists have developed a new process which can turn human waste into a fuel for cars.
[The first prototype, The Ford Excreter, should be ready by next year.]



She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools

She thought General Motors was in the Army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday


NOTE FROM CHRIS: A federal judge has ordered Microsoft to split into two separate companies one for the Windows operating system, and another for their Office suite and other software. Microsoft has vowed to appeal.

13. Your Honor, all of our arguments have been posted on

12. Okay, let me get this straight: You're saying you want us to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!?

11. This court has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. [Close] [Details]

10. Our reasons for appealing this judgment are myriad and a bit complicated to explain because you people are no offense WAY too stupid to understand.

9. Divestiture will restrict the free flow of pornography guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of Rights.

8. If Windows and our applications can't work together, the system may become unstable and prone to crashing... Ha!! Just a little humor, Your Honor!!

7. Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track all traffic to Do you catch my drift, gavelman778?

6. Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!

5. We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other.

4. Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr. Gates' blood contract with Satan.

3. A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy.

2. Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus and cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy equipment at his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep the Death Star.

     and's Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal...

1. Two companies would mean Melinda would have to sleep with Bill twice each year to retain her stock options.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White

(Part II)

14. "Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

13. "Marv strutted into the Ritz with a twinkle in his eye and a gleam in his incisors."

12. "I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

11. "Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

10. "He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love."

9. "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies."

8. "The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea."

7. "Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese."

6. "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love."

5. "Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed."

4. "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion."

3. "'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat."

2. "Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in a sexual congress were heard."

     and's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

1. "It was a dark and horny night."

The Top 5 List
Copyright 1997, 2000 by Chris White


Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page and Twila]


Bombeck's Conjecture:
Housekeeping, when done properly, will kill you.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

The Basic Principle For Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

Harvard's Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Merkin's Maxim:
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Conway's Law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; This person must be fired.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself historians merely repeat each other.

Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde and aluminum.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim:
If a string has one end, it has another.

H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate.

Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is a special case.

Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.

Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Third Law Of Survival:
To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.


16. Old Shaft: He's a cat that won't cop out;
New Shaft: Kicked off the island for not eating grubs fast enough.

15. Then: "Where you going?" "To get laid."
Now: "Not tonight, Baby I just want to cuddle."

14. To find out what the word is on the street, the new Shaft simply logs onto

13. 1971: He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman.
2000: He's a misunderstood survivor of work place discrimination with authority issues, aggravated by an undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder and a lousy HMO plan, and no one understands him but his life-partner and his anger management therapy group.

12. Introduction of Shaft's 3-man posse: Tip, 4-Skin and Balzac

11. This year's Shaft is suspended from the NYPD for failing to use excessive force.

10. "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Well, originally we got the green light with Will Smith, but we couldn't shoot around his commitment to the Ali biopic and still make a summer release, and Ving Rhames and Larry Fishburne were possibilities, but finally we were able to come to an agreement with ICM on Sam Jackson's back-end points... Daaammmmn right!!"

9. Thanks to computer graphics, we've now got annoying bad guys like "Jar Jar Pimps."

8. Isaac Hayes' confusing update of the theme song: "Who is the cafeteria worker who's a sex machine to all the chicks? Chef!"

7. 1971: Leather boots check;
Leather pants check;
Leather coat check.
2000: Leather boots check;
Leather pants check;
Leather coat & restraining order against PETA check.

6. As part of his effort to clean up NYC, Mayor Giuliani makes Shaft change his name to Sheldon.

5. Pointless dialogue during car ride about what the French call a Chalupa.

4. "Is that your final answer, homeboy?" makes for one VERY cool pre-gunfire catch phrase.

3. Old Shaft: Wants to get into his woman's pants NOW!
New Shaft: Is a member of NOW.

2. Richard Roundtree's cameo as Ranting Old Man Who Crashed the Set.

     and's Number 1 Difference Between the Old "Shaft" and the New One...

1. With Harvey Keitel in the cast, the only dick we see is neither black nor private.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White


Sent: Friday, May 19, 2000 11:29 PM

Files deleted, forwarding as requested.

> ------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
> If you're running a variant of Unix or LINUX,
> please forward this message to everyone you know
> and delete a bunch of your files at random.
> This virus works on the honor system.
> ------------- End Forwarded Message -------------


ENEMY WANTED Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund nation for international competitive bluster, mutual threat inflation, political-military gymnastics, and general bellicose finger pointing. Looking to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost missile envy. Scaremongers whorish dogmatic confrontation, able to appear 10 feet tall, and willing to build real and imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War-era weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only opponent's marginal interests, and must not present any real intellectual challenge. Accompaniment by fierce, Third World allies who know how to fight is also not desirable. Oafish, senile leaders definitely a plus. Possession of large, phallic ballistic missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio also a plus willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will earn continuing thanks. Location: preferably near enough to threaten petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual.

Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser.


12. Humming the theme from "Mr. Bean"
11. Entering the sphincter chat room
10. Summarizing the presidential debates
9. Singin' like Britney
8. Answering the call of the wild burrito
7. Starting a controlled burn in my pants
6. Having a Hallmark Methane Moment
5. Guaranteeing that the cute guy in Marketing will stick his head in your office to say hello 3 seconds later
4. Steam-pressing the Calvins
3. Testing in the Levi Wind Tunnel
2. Pitching a UPN sitcom

     and's Number 1 Euphemism for "Breaking Wind"...

1. Quoting John Rocker

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White


If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel... It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.

If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy... "Coach, when you said I was a low-life,
turd-brained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad."

Never admit you don't understand a political issue... Opinions are like whiskers.

Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys... That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished... but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like, "WOW! Check that out!" ...and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

Guys must stay strong and tear-free through tragedies, but are permitted to cry over the death of a pet. (Watching E.T. or Old Yeller it's permissible, but Terms of Endearment, no way.)

Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides... It's all about who's out in front.

"Many of these behaviors have been selected by evolution," explains Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of the book "Why Men Are the Way They Are". "For example, it's a rule that men are supposed to be tough and protect women. This traces back to ancient times, when if women bred with men who were
gentle and sensitive, those guys got wiped out by invading tribes. The men who were able to bash in some enemy skulls and save themselves and their women and children were the ones whose genes were passed on."


These first appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient refused an autopsy.

Patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She is numb from her toes down.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.


Corporate America took the dot-com idea, ran it through their insipidity engine, added some banality postprocessing, and gave us the dot-com craze.

It's just getting started but everyone is sick of it. The backlash seems to be building around BlowTheDotOutYourAss (, which had to suspend service due to huge volumes of traffic.

The fun begins. Posters are popping up everywhere with fake domain names, usually plastered beside earnest attempts by suits to join the Internet rush.

Pranksters quickly learned that their fakes had to be *extreme* or everyone thinks they are yet another dot-com. A few examples from BlowTheDotOutYourAss:



For several months in 1996, no one was willing to go for the seventh x in, but registrars soon went up to ten. Now all's, from eleven onward to the legal limit of 64 are registered with Dotster, Inc.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... like the need for therapy.

I'm so miserable without you. It is almost like you were here.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available in Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama & Tennessee)


NOTE FROM CHRIS: According to a news story in, researchers in Madrid have supposedly destroyed incurable brain cancer tumors in rats by injecting them with THC, the active ingredient in cannabis. Here at TopFive, we did a little research of our own, and here are our findings:

15. Gets babes so wasted that even geeky research scientists have a shot at scoring.

14. Combats hyperactivity. Or activity, for that matter.

13. Even decades after episodic non-inhalatory usage, subject is inspired towards adventurous sexual encounters and visions of bridges to the 21st century.

12. Share quality time with your children, because Pokemon cartoons become fun for the WHOLE family!

11. Constant giggling is great for the abs.

10. Magically renders sports slo-mo replays indistinguishable from the original.

9. Enables Frito-Lay stockholders to purchase much nicer cars
and homes.

8. Relative harmlessness of a cool, mellow buzz allows an ex-stoner to take the moral high ground during presidential debates against an ex-cokehead.

7. *Really* pisses off Nancy Reagan.

6. Transforms complete noise into beautiful, enchanting music (Grateful Dead fans only).

5. Drastically reduces your risk of becoming a Supreme Court Judge.

4. Allows for long enlightening chats with Isaac Asimov on the wonders of the universe even though he's dead.

3. Expiration dates on household food items rendered instantly meaningless.

2. Almost makes "Saturday Night Live" funny again!

     and's Number 1 Other Benefit of Smoking Pot...

1. Without pot: $10,000 home entertainment system with 50" high-definition TV, 12 speakers and THX Surround-Sound.
With pot: $20 lava lamp.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White


Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

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