THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 16, 2000
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all
I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
— Agatha Christie
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
You live and learn. At any rate, you live. — Douglas Adams
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
A mind is a terrible thing to... Oooh! Just a sec, more email.
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--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
You know the movie you're watching is a "chick flick" if you wake up and your wife is crying. — Rick Oie
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Missing e-mail messages sent to Vice President Al Gore between March 1998 and April 1999 will never be found because a "technical error" resulted in the failure of a backup tape system, the White House has told a House committee. The e-mail involved Monica Lewinsky; the White House's receipt of secret FBI files; and campaign-finance activities in the 1996 election...
[In a related story, George Bush, Jr., how to cut and paste on Microsoft Word this week...]
BUSINESS: A spokesman for Swedish furniture chain Ikea told the Kvallposten evening newspaper that they are trying to attract potential employees with handwritten job advertisements on lavatory walls. "In the toilet people are more relaxed and receptive to our message," claims Ikea's Jimmy Ostholm...
[The kind of job usually advertised on bathroom walls is quite different...]
ENTERTAINMENT: William Shatner — better known as Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise — says he may write a book of tips for young performers who are trying to make it in Hollywood.
[Suggested title: 'Overacting For Dummies'.]
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--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
CADDY SHACK II: Nicolas R. Narveson, 20, of Milaca, and Craig L. Rabenberg, 24, of Ramsey were working at a former Christmas tree farm when they decided to get rid of the gophers. They decided to do this by injecting propane into the gopher holes and then lighting it. Unfortunately the fire ignited the dry grass in the field, spread to the pine trees next to the field then eventually spread to four houses and a mobile home — completely destroying them. Fire fighting costs totaled $30,000. (Star Tribune)
[Where's Bill Murray when you need him?]
BENT STATISTIC: Number of condoms ordered by the Sydney Olympic organizers for the Sydney Olympics? 100,000. The supplier said they would come in various colors including gold, silver, and bronze.
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--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
[I've got a foolproof lie detector test: if you need to get F. Lee Bailey for your lawyer, you're a damn liar.]
The World Health Organization ranked death rates for 191 nations, placing the US in a shameful 24th place.
[The good news, however, is that we rank first for the 20th consecutive year in Little Debbie brand snack food consumption!]
According to Reuters, more than 100,000 condoms have been ordered for competitors at this year's Sydney Olympics.
[They will be distributed upon arrival to the competing men, and any overmedicated Chinese women who appear to be capable of using them.]
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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
THE TOP 15 SIGNS JOHN ROCKER IS YOUR STOCKBROKER
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Last week, baseball bad boy John Rocker told a radio station, regarding his ongoing problems with the media: "There's plenty of things I can do besides deal with the headaches of this garbage every single day. I'd be a stockbroker probably.
15. Threatens to kick your ass for even suggesting that you diversify.
14. All your money is now in "catfish and 'possum futures".
13. Tries to tell you the term "sell short" only refers to Chinese brokers.
12. You suddenly find yourself the butt of one of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." lines.
11. All your money ends up in NASCAR, not NASDAQ.
10. Bitch slaps you when you want to buy shares in Mitsubishi.
9. The only way to get him to let you invest in China is to convince him you're talking about Franklin Mint commemorative Elvis plates.
8. When Wall Street has a rally, he shows up in a white hood.
7. He keeps threatening to punch out that Stuart kid.
6. His picks: White Rock Beverages and White Castle Hamburgers;
His pans: Black & Decker and Browning-Ferris
5. Dumps your most profitable stock after misreading it as "EGay".
4. Since "portfolio" sounds too foreign, he prefers the term "bag o' stocks".
3. You are now the proud owner of a $400,000 retirement nest egg invested entirely in the Wonder Bread company.
2. Thinks "covering your shorts" is something you do in Greenwich Village.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign John Rocker Is Your Stockbroker...
1. He puts all your money in "Yahoo!" because there aren't any stocks called "Dipshit!" or "Stupid Cracker!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS' ACTUAL QUOTES ON MUSIC
• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
THE TOP 10 BAD ROMANCE NOVEL OPENING LINES
(Part I)
9. "As she gazed at the thick, luxurious pelt of hair on Kurt's back, Josephine let out a soft moan and reached for the light switch."
8. "As the band struck up the Macarena, our eyes met across the room."
7. "Caroline fell into Jonathan's arms and thrust her tongue into his mouth, making them look like two octopi making love."
6. "Clarence glanced up seductively from his Coke can and said hoarsely, 'Welcome to the EEOC, Anita.'"
5. "Now is the winter of our discontent. Where did I put that 900 number?"
4. "Sabrina was sure the tiny flutters she felt in her stomach when she first gazed into Cameron's eyes were love, but the surgeon now assured her they were Monarch butterflies, accidentally swallowed while touring the gardens."
3. "The wind, the sea, twelve men, one ship."
2. "There once was a man from Nantucket."
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...
1. "It was the best of sex, it was the worst of sex."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
THE BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can cry and get off speeding fines.
• We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
• New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
[Thanks to Twila]
THE HONEYMOON
A guy was getting married on a Saturday. Friday night, his friends took him out and got him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, bing, bang, boom, forget it. He was a mangled mess. He didn't know what to do. Finally he decided to take two Popsicle sticks and wrap them around his member with adhesive tape.
The next day he got married. When he and his new bride were in their honeymoon suite, she walked out of the bathroom stark naked. She said, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."
Thinking quickly, he pulled down his pants and said, "Look! Not even out of the crate."
PLEASE LOG ON
I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
HOW DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
NT 5.0 Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 98 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
NZHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on your side.
HOW SEX IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE
• It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
• You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
• It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
• You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
• It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
• It's best to have a soft place to land.
• You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
• If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
• Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
• Once you learn, you never forget how.
• If you fall off get right back on.
• If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
• Remember to signal before you change direction.
• Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
• Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
• Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
• That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
MANNERS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
We have entered a new age. Society has changed. New rules of decorum are needed for today's technology and morals. With this in mind we present Manners for The Millennium.
THE CELL PHONE
• Never make a call from your table. Always excuse yourself from the room and make your call in the lobby. This is courteous to the other diners and allows you to call for help in case your date is a loser.
• When answering a cell phone at the dinner table always apologize to those sitting next to you. Never get into a long conversation unless your dinner date is extremely boring. Then continue talking until your date leaves.
• Don't pretend to be getting a call on call waiting while using your cell phone.
• It is not good manners to publicly talk on your cell phone while describing your yeast infection to your doctor. Particularly in a restaurant.
• When sending a personal message to friends and relatives take the time to copy and paste the same message into each one's separate letter rather sending it as one group letter. At least each friend or family member thinks it is a personal note instead of what it is, a stock message to everyone. This gives the false impression that you took the time to write to them individually.
• When receiving jokes via e-mail from someone you often sends jokes, remember to remove the sender from your list before forwarding it to your usual recipients. Nobody likes getting their jokes back.
• Always remove someone when they ask to be removed from your joke e-mail list and start sending them religious quotes. It will make them wish they were still receiving the jokes.
• Never take the e-mail addresses off of an e-mail you received and send them spam. Unless you hate the guy that sent you the e-mail. Then it is okay.
• Never flame somebody by sending an angry e-mail without thinking about the consequences. Take the time to read your e-mail letter aloud. Sip a flavored tea in a quiet room. Go back to the e-mail if you still believe your e-mail to be true, then send it out and to hell with the son of a bitch.
RELIGIOUS CEREMONIES
• It is impolite to call the children of an annulled marriage bastards. It is okay for the couple getting the annulment to refer to each other as bastards.
• Do not ask a divorced couple to return the wedding gift. Just remember to tell each of them at their next wedding that your first gift covered all marriages.
• When visited by Jehovah Witnesses invite them in. It is rude to slam the door in their face. When you would like them to leave start removing your clothing. They will either leave on their own or you will enjoy a religious experience.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
F. LEE BAILEY'S TO DO LIST
• Start day with 'hair of the dog'
• Golf with O.J
• Enjoy after-golf martini with O.J
• Lunch
• Enjoy after-lunch martini
• Sue government to get my drug money
• Watch CNN to see if I am on
• Enjoy after-CNN martini
• Tell Dershowitz to stop calling me
• Dominatrix date with Greta Van Susteren
• Enjoy after-dominatrix martini with Greta
• Do Rivera Live
• Enjoy after-Rivera Live martini with Rivera
• Enjoy a nightcap
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE TOP 20 WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT — A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
and the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
[Thanks to Ralph, the God of Marina del Oro]
CYBER-BEGGING
There were three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 13 REASONS YOU'RE THE LEAST POPULAR SURVIVOR ON YOU DESERT ISLAND
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The new hit show on TV here in the U.S. is "Survivor", in which a group of people are left on a deserted island and compete to see who will be the last one to remain.
13. Your Mr. T impression gets old after the first five minutes.
12. The women aren't buying your repeated assertions that semen protects them against snakebites.
11. You're always asking your island mates, "Does this palm frond make my ass look big?"
10. You use your gourmet cooking skills to make dog food stuffed rat, garnished with maggots — and nobody likes a show-off.
9. The coconut shell bra has its place — but that place is not on the body of a 6'4", 300-lb. programmer named Max.
8. You chopped down the island's only citrus tree to make room for your putt-putt golf course.
7. You insist on being called "Ginger" — even though your name is Tim.
6. Not only are you over the age limit dictated by viewer demographics, everyone is really getting annoyed at you for using your Swiss Army dentures to crack open coconuts, cut down trees, and gut fish.
5. Your irritating catch phrase: "Well excuse ME, Robinson Crusoe."
4. Your habit of overdoing it with the paprika is ruining the subtle taste of cooked rat.
3. You invented a coconut phone — only to spend hours placing telemarketing calls to the other survivors.
2. Your "coconut cream pie" specialty is nothing more than whipped seagull poop.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Island...
1. Your favorite campfire song just happens to be "It's a Small World."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
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