THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 9, 2000
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an
understanding of ourselves.
Carl G. Jung (1875-1961), Swiss psychologist
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! (gratuitous equal-time gun propaganda for Sam)
We reserve the right to arm bears. (see above)
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
A rock > me < A hard place
Sting and his wife have spoken publicly several time about their devotion to Tantric Sex. He said recently in an interview that he'd given up this practice. He hasn't lost his sense of humor though. He said he was trying to teach his wife Tantric shopping. This is where you go shopping for five hours and don't buy anything!
Ah, love the walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else. Max Headroom
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. Alan King
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. Ashleigh Brilliant
Life it's nothing like the Brochure!
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says we have no future together. Oh well, at least I still have my wife. Mystic7
My mother always used to tell me, "The early bird gets the worm." The message seemed pretty clear to me: If you sleep late, you're a lot less likely to be killed by a bird. Elliott Downing
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
The Justice Department has decided not to indict any members of the Salt Lake City Olympic organizing committee in connection with the bribery scandal stemming from their bid for the 2002 Winter Games
[After all, in Utah sending money and multiple women to have sex in a man's hotel suite isn't considered a crime it's considered a WEDDING NIGHT ]
George W. Bush says when he becomes president he will open a new US Embassy in Jerusalem.
[He says he may even go to India for the official opening ceremony.]
INTERNATIONAL: In Egypt, there's a big fuss about Coca Cola. Muslim activists claim that if you turn the Coca Cola logo upside down in front of in a mirror, it reads, 'No to Mohammed, No to Mecca'.
[A spokesperson for Coke denied this. He said what it actually reads is 'Pepsi Contains Rat Urine'.]
CONSUMER REPORTS: There's a recall on the 'Weed Wizard' lawn trimmer because its razor-sharp blades can break and fly off at 240 miles an hour.
[Initially, the manufacturer couldn't decide what to do. Recall the 'Weed Wizard', or re-package it as the 'Vasectomy Wizard'.]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
Secretary of Defense William Cohen offered last week to give Gov. George W. Bush a briefing on the nation's strategic nuclear arsenal.
["Okay, this is Mean Mr. Nasty Sock he's a bad guy. This is Nice Mr. Friendly Sock, that's us..."]
Hundreds of prostitutes were comparing notes on their ancient profession at a gathering in Berlin last weekend.
["Ich Bein Ein Ho!"]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
LOS ANGELES Bridal shops take heed; Hell hath no fury like an angry bride-to-be. When one unfortunate Fernando Valley store was rumored to be closing, angry brides lined up at the doors to rescue their dresses. Some were so frustrated that they actually broke the doors in. Owner Bruce Anderson tried to diffuse the crowd by stating that he was experiencing an employee shortage; not closing the store. "This whole thing is a big misunderstanding," he said. The now, blushing brides sheepishly retreated from the premises satisfied that their dresses were safe.
[Another hostage situation successfully avoided.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "it's a SCARF!"
(IN OTHER VARIOUS WAYS)
It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Shit is biodegradable.
Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
I cannot tell a lie shit happened.
Four score and seven shits ago...
Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.
Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
...to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
A core dump... Shit!
It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
It's everybody's shit.
The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Don't eat the shit.
If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
There's nothing quite like a good shit.
This shit is good for me.
Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
I think I need to take a shit.
If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
I'll take care of this shit... tomorrow.
With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
I'll hold this shit in forever.
Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Smells like shit of Finnish fish.
Let's blow this shit up!
I love when shit happens.
Do shit to me!
I will shit on you!
Shit is a phallic symbol.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
I'll get a world record for this..
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
BIZARRE CONDOM NAMES1. Billy Boy (Germany)
2. Enormex (U.K.)
3. Euroglider (Netherlands)
4. Happy Face (New Zealand)
5. Honeymoon Super Stimulation (Germany)
6. Jiffi Exciter (U.K.)
7. Licks (U.S.A.)
8. Mamba (Sweden)
9. Power Play (U.S.A.)
10. Skin Less Skin (Japan)
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN CATS1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
ADVICE ABOUT PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
MORE HUMOR IN THE COURTROOM
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
FOREIGN PHRASES CONTEST
The following are from a New York magazine contest. The rules: take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language, change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, then provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS We're wild and crazy guys
COGITO, EGGO SUM I think, therefore I waffle
RIGOR MORRIS The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish
QUE SERA SERF Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE I came, I saw, I partied
QUIP PRO QUO A fast retort
ALOHA OY Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON Tons of good luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE Curly and Larry got wet
PORT-KOCHERE Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH I'm really crazy about having dough
FUI GENERIS What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE Don't leave your chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN Thanks for nothin'
AMICUS PURIAE Platonic friend
THE TOP 15 ISSUES AT THE MILLION DAD MARCHNOTE FROM CHRIS: There hasn't been a Million *Dad* March yet. But if there were, what issues would they be concerned with?
15. Screw the V-Chip we want the No-Oprah-Chip!
14. Not enough hot single chicks at the Million Dad March.
13. Trigger locks for thermostats.
12. Our Message to Congress: Keep that noise down up there!
11. "Hey Hey, Ho Ho, if your mother says 'no' then the answer's 'no'! Hey Hey, Ho Ho..."
10. Read our lips: no new ties!
9. Nothing they'd all get lost on the way to DC and nobody would ask for directions.
8. Fer Chrissake, Regis, how about making the first five questions a little tougher?
7. Recognition of "Pull My Finger" as an Olympic event.
6. Demand an investigation into the mysterious disappearance of Bob Seger.
5. [This entry is blank because 248,315 of the participants followed through on their threats to "turn the car around and go right back home."]
4. Mandatory background checks on guys with tattoos dating your daughter.
3. You'll take the remote control when you pry it from my drunk, unwashed hand.
2. Getting a free pass for your OWN youthful indiscretions.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Issue at the Million Dad March...
1. Hell no, we won't go! ...buy tampons, that is.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE ULTIMATE PC PRIMER
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
A: PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
A: Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
A: Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
A: If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world-slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
A: It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
A: That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
A: Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega...whoops...separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of Canada, your living in God's country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or K.D. Lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
A: Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
A: No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
A: The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
A: Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
A: If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
A: Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes > The liberal is right.
No > The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Caribbean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
A: It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
A: The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
A: Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
A: No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
A: No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-CANADIAN?
A: Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-Canadian we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-Canadian or either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
A: For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
A: Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
A: Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
A: Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
A: It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
A: Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
A: "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-Canadian." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
A: Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE S. AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves / Cleveland Indians / Kansas City Chiefs / Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong / Chico and the Man episodes / Cisco Kid / Rosarita Salsa / Speedy Gonzales AVOID! AVOID!)
White Trash: PC Unaware / Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male): Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
GENDER (PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman: Womyn, Vaginal-Canadian
Housewife: Domestic Engineer
Stewardess: Flight Attendant
Meter Maid: Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man: Post Person
Mail Man: Person Person
Policeman: Law Enforcement Officer / Baton Boy / Cal. Clubber
Prostitute: Sex Surrogate / (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human: Earth Children
Handicapped: Physically Challenged / Differently Abled / Handi-Capable
Blind: Optically Darker / Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf: Visually Oriented
Poor: Economically Unprepared
Bum: Homeless Person / Displaced Homeowner / Philosophy Major
Hunter: Animal Assassin / Meat Mercenary / Bambi Butcher
Whaler: Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly: 4th-Dimentionally Extended /
Conservative: Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict: Chemically Challenged
Bisexual: Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf: Little People / Vertically Challenged
Convict: Socially Separated
Insane People: Selectively Perceptive / Mental Explorers
Tree-Hugger: Environmental Activist
Logger: Wood Weasel / Paper Pirate / Treeslayer
Dead People: Dysfunctional Earth Children / Biologically Challenged /
Broken Home: Dysfunctional Family
Housebroken: Family Dysfunction
Cattle Ranch: Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) / "Moo-shwitz"
Ghetto/Barrio: (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area /
Hamburger: Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger: Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School): Academic Dishonesty
Trees: Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang: Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider: Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed: Spatially Perplexed
Slum: (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen: Corpse Farm
Obese: People of Mass / Gravitationally Challenged
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