THE WEEKLY RIOT
June 2, 2000
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving
and tolerant of the weak and strong.
Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
George Washington Carver
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Punctuality: the virtue of the bored.
One is successful when they can lay a firm foundation with bricks thrown at them by others.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Bruce Graham
I wasn't what you'd call a great student, but I was a good solid student. A good solid C-student. George W. Bush, who says that education will be a major theme in his campaign, on his grades in school.
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I knew the company had some liberal policies, but Cross-dress Casual Fridays are just too much. J. Hutter
I often dream about what it would be like to live in space, and have a gorgeous space-girl for a wife. It's a great little fantasy until I get to the part where she's banging Captain Kirk when I'm at work. Mark Vanderbilt
My experimenting with the hippie lifestyle came to an embarrassing end when I arrived in San Francisco wearing flour in my hair. Amria Gosa
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
U.S. MALE DOESN'T DELIVER: American men may think they're studs but a new survey suggests they're duds. The June issue of Men's Health says the average American guy has sex only 79 times a year. That's 1-1/2 times a week, only half as often as men in many other countries. Even more embarrassing is the revelation that American men masturbate almost as often as they make love.
The magazine reveals that the average man engages in solo sex about once a week. "We're not hip guys. We're average guys," Men's Health editor Greg Gutfeld says.
That's true surveys of European countries reveal that Frenchmen and Italians have sex three times a week and Germans twice a week. Folks in Australia do it three times a week, according to one report.
But Men's Health has advice for those American Romeos who think 1-1/2 times a week just isn't enough.
The magazine says they can easily up their count by dating French, Russian or Italian women.
Women from those nations are "twice as likely as American women to expect sex during the first week of dating," Men's Health says in its annual "State of Man" report.
As far as lovemaking sessions go, it turns out that American men are not marathoners. The magazine says the average man lasts just 14 minutes during sex.
And American men are prone to fooling around the odds the average married man will cheat on his wife are 1 in 4.3. On the other hand, the odds his wife will cheat on him are only 1 in 8.3.
The number of sex partners the average American guy has during his lifetime is 12.4, the magazine says. The average American women has four.
On the virility front, American men are doing just fine: the average American male has a healthy sperm count of 100 million per milliliter.
That's an extremely ample number considering that infertility begins when you dip below 20 million per milliliter.
But there is some bad news.
Men's Health which compiled the survey from questionnaires and scientific studies from around the nation says the average American man's risk of developing erectile problems nearly triples after the age of 50.
In one study of 732 men, nearly 40 percent of those who were impotent had had at least one case of penile trauma in his life, such as being hit in the crotch with a ball or having a bad sex experience. (Bill Hoffman, New York Post)
GUNS: A new survey shows 25% of American have at some time been threatened with a handgun.
[The NRA says 'threaten' is such a harsh word they prefer the term 'pestered by a handgun'.]
POLITICS: Time magazine reports that GOP presidential candidate George W. Bush is considering naming former Sen. John Danforth of Missouri as his running mate
[He wants to run with Danforth because he's smart, experienced, and capable; nobody knows why Danforth would want to run with Bush...]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
Harvard University President Neil L. Rudenstine will step down after the end of the next academic year.
[As is tradition, the stick occupying his rectum will be removed and passed on to the new Harvard president once he or she is selected.]
[The one-sentence opinion simply stated, "Son of a gun, gonna have some fun on the Bayou!"]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The blonde says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to charity, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the blonde says, "Three carats."
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
SHIT HAPPENS...
(ACCORDING TO THE PHILOSOPHERS)
Thales:
Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus:
If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates:
What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle:
The essence of shittyness...
Descartes:
I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau:
I wanted to live deliberately...to suck all the shit out of life.
Sartre:
Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
HEALTH TIPS FOR THE MODERN MALE
1. Winter is here, and it is well known that humidity levels drop to dangerous lows because of the heat generated by your furnace. It is important for men to raise the humidity in their homes and apartments. One easy and convenient way to do this is to make sure the toilet seat is always in the upright and fully open position. This enables the ambient air to evaporate the water in the bowl more quickly, keeping the relative humidity in your home at a safe level. Try this in the summer as well, because air-conditioning removes humidity as part of the cooling process.
2. Absorbing too much information by listening can cause your brain to switch from regulating your immune system efficiently to processing and discarding information that may be considered useless. Don't risk the consequences of this happening. When your wife/girlfriend's conversation reaches a level which you consider dangerous to your immune system simply quit absorbing the information. In order to spare her feelings, while protecting yourself from disease, simply say, every now and then: "Yes dear", "Uh huh", or "Certainly".
3. There are many low-level infections passing through the air during the winter months. The best way to combat these is with a good disinfectant. Everyone knows that alcohol provides a convenient source of disinfectant, and is generally available in handy twelve-ounce containers called "beer". Be sure to consume at least six before bedtime in order to combat as many germs as you can.
4. Exercise is important. Doctors have determined that the combined actions of walking, swinging your arms, and lifting your elbow will provide the best aerobic activity for the modern male. This can most easily be accomplished by spending entire weekend fishing. Encourage your friends to join you to better their own health. This should be combined with number 3 above. This will also provide protection against some of the most common injuries encountered by men, such as breathing paint fumes or garage dust, often reported in cases of helping around the house.
5. Medical science has long known that exposure to germs carried by strangers is more likely to cause disease. Thus it is imperative, when you are driving in a strange locale, that you never ask a stranger for directions. To do so would imperil the health of not only yourself but your family as well.
6. Clothes that have been worn are natural germ carriers. It is well known that assembling all of these germ-laden fabrics together in that den of disease commonly known as a "clothes hamper" will only worsen the problem. Therefore, the Men's Corner health advisors strongly recommend leaving the clothes where they fall when disrobing. Your family will thank you.
7. Tests have been carried out on the average food-filled refrigerator, and show that perishable foodstuffs are harbingers of the worst types of bacteria and parasites. It is important for the modern male to forego putting perishable food into his refrigerator. Instead, a low level disinfectant, such as the alcohol found in beer, is a better choice for keeping that refrigerator safe. Ketchup, I am happy to say, is also known to be safe over the long term.
8. The light emitted from a television picture tube is threatening only if there is a long, unbroken period of viewing the same image. Thus it is absolutely essential that those images change as often as possible. Practice sitting in front of the television with the remote and flipping through the channel as rapidly as possible. I know this may be difficult, but with practice, you will be on your way to better health.
9. Doctors have long warned us that overexertion stresses the vulnerable male heart. Tests have shown that combining stressful activities in an unbroken series is extremely dangerous. Thus, it is essential that the health conscious male, after a strenuous sexual encounter, immediately fall asleep in order to prevent a potential life-threatening occurrence.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
CRAIG'S QUICKIES
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 10 DIFFERENCES IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A MONKEY
16. Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program.
15. National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters.
14. Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13. "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12. First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11. Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10. Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9. N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"
8. Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.
7. New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6. State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5. President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.
4. To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.
3. "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"
2. During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...
1. On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes", loud raspberry means "no".
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
ADVICE ABOUT PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH
(Part I)
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dip-poop?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
REDNECK LETTER FROM HOME
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
[Thanks again to Brad]
ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
(an actual trial)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began to feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her 4th move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested and when the case came before the court:
This was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner.
"When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read 'Sloans Liniments removing Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the 4th move, she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
He won the case!
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF BRAINS...
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river."
And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
[Thanks again to Craig]
WOMEN AND PMS
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID fuckING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE *EVER* CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PIG STY!!!
[Thanks again to Craig]
CORPORATE SPEAK
To help you figure out slick and glossy terms used by companies recruiting, here are what they actually mean:
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
[Thanks again to Craig]
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