THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 26, 2000
May the sun bring you new energies by day,
May the moon softly restore you by night,
May the rain wash away any worries you may have.
May gentle breezes refresh your soul...
And, all the days of your life,
May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
RETRACTION: According to Urban Legends, the quote from last week attributed to Hitler regarding gun registration was indeed bogus. Thanks to Sam (the God of the NRA) for pointing that out to me (and for not pistol-whipping me ;-).
Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. Frank Lloyd Wright
When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
Q: What's the Female's definition of the perfect lover?
A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.
Q: How can you tell if a man is horny?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A: An URLologist.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Calling him "a candidate Ronnie would be proud of," former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed George W. Bush for president last Wednesday
[He has a lot in common with Ron he can't remember what he did seven years ago, either ]
GOP presidential hopeful George W. Bush's twin daughters have selected which colleges they plan to attend in the fall one will study at the University of Texas at Austin, while the other will continue the family tradition by attending Yale University
[That's fine, but to REALLY continue the family tradition they'll have to party, drink too much, and almost flunk out ]
President Clinton told reporters Buddy, his Labrador dog, sleeps with him when Hillary is away from the White House.
[Its kind of a nostalgia thing for Bill Monica Lewinsky also had a cold, wet nose.]
GOVERNMENT: On the official Web Site for the White House they have a map of the United States and for a while they had the state of Kentucky in the wrong place.
[On the plus side: The map did have a small red dot in all 478 cities where Bill Clinton has had sex.]
ENVIRONMENT: The 3M Company announced its withdrawing several of its Scotchgard products because they contain chemicals that are harmful chemicals that linger for years in the Earths atmosphere.
[On the plus side: If ever Planet Earth gets hit by a huge, dirty asteroid the stains will be easy to wipe off...]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
Last week Elizabeth Taylor was officially named Dame Elizabeth Taylor by Queen Elizabeth.
[It's the second time Ms. Taylor has developed a close relationship with a pale Queen, the first being Michael Jackson.]
President Clinton announced plans last week to fund more bullet-resistant vests for police officers.
[Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, pushed her plans to fund more tamper-resistant chastity-thongs for Interns.]
In Tokyo, Sumo wrestler Asanokiri lost a match and his dignity last week after his loin cloth fell off, exposing his manhood on national television.
[Upon inspections, he was dropped to the "featherweight" division.]
SAN ANTONIO According to APBnews, heroin addict Micah Sheehan was caught using a fake penis while being urine tested for drugs by his parole officers. According to eye witnesses, the telltale signs were evident by the bleached pink appearance of the penis, and the fact that when he urinated it came out in a sprinkler-like fashion. The final giveaway came when he fumbled his organ and it fell on the floor. His failed attempt at avoiding a drug screening could mean a return prison sentence where he will be required to bring his real penis.
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients (a blonde, of course) rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS
13. Every time you double click something, a message box asks, "Is that your final answer?"
12. Your motherboard keeps making chicken soup.
11. Every time you hit the delete key, a naked photo of Shelley Winters pops up.
10. Snot is dripping out of the disk drive.
9. Incriminating e-mails about Whitewater, Monica, and Vince Foster mysteriously disappear. (White House only)
8. Before ejecting the CD, it makes a disgusting hocking noise.
7. The Dr. Solomon splash screen pops up again, but this time he's brought a priest.
6. It's having a helluva time getting a referral from the HMO's primary care tech support guy.
5. Your screen saver now shows Pamela Anderson at home with the flu.
4. Pus between the keys, pus in the floppy drives, and pus oozing out of the monitor it's either a virus, or Ron in Sales has been using it without your permission again.
3. Your web browser just tossed its cookies.
2. Dell customer service recommends the "nighttime, freezing, rebooting, up-locking, destroying, hosed-drive, deleted so you can buy a new PC medicine."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Computer Has a Virus...
1. Your dancing hamsters are all dead.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE JOYS OF TECH SUPPORT
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any industry terms. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the little picture of a file cabinet...is little picture OK?"
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash. It crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on File, then New Game."
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
MORE NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. (PC users ignore)
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in all games and spreadsheets, but you still love it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS 2: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumtheng rong wit yor komputer, ya kant figger out watt. Then it declares what a waste it is to lose your mind, or not to have a mind as being truly wasteful, how true it is. Even on a computer.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: once if by LAN, twice if by C\:
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, replace the power supply, and install a new set of shocks.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it is bigger than any other file, then performs all algorithms and software operations its own way. Claims the computer was invented there.
IF AMERICA ONLINE (AOL) WAS A CITY
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sunup.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW."
(IN VARIOUS PROFESSIONS)
Shit happening is just a special case...
There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Shit SHOULD happen.
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
I hope this shit holds together.
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and... SHIT!
Is this shit alive?
I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
You want fries with that shit?
This shit is out of tune.
Let's see how much shit the faculty will take.
Why doesn't this shit add up?
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.
I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
I get subsidies for my shit.
Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver:
Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
The Laws of Thermodynamics (for Sanitation Engineers)
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
ANSWERS TO EVERY WOMAN'S QUESTIONS ABOUT MEN
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him
happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to. We do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please. How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our backsides for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BACKSIDES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The most successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, ho, ho. Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Er, buying.
TOP REPUBLICAN CLAIMS AGAINST THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION
Janet Reno doesn't like them.
Caused Rudolph Giuliani's prostate cancer.
Too many national parks, not enough oil wells.
Can't get anything done since we have to investigate the administration's every move.
Youth gun violence due to stress from not getting proper dosage of cigarettes.
Not tough enough on Castro. Too tough on Milosevic.
A good economy can only lead to a bad one.
First Lady not full-time on the job doing woman things.
Won't listen to common sense of Jesse Helms.
Administration keeps stealing Republican law and order commitment by using jackboot thugs to enforce laws.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.
"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . . "
THE TOP 17 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE NRA'S NEW THEME STORE/RESTAURANT
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The National Rifle Association announced last week that it plans to open a theme store in Times Square. "Imagine a new, exciting, total shooting sports and sporting goods experience," said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. "Try to picture several thousand square feet of NRA branded merchandise, plus shooting, and outdoor recreation products."
Of course, we couldn't let an opportunity like this pass us by. Look how much fun we had last time we did an NRA Topic: http://www.topfive.com/nra.html
[ Please address hate mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org ]
[ Please address love mail to: email@example.com ]
17. "What do you mean you don't have any larger than life-sized photos of Charlton Heston?!?"
16. "C'mon, kids! Step right up and play 'Pop a Cap in the Donkey!'"
15. "Betty! Take a shot of me in front of the Second Amendment display. NO!! With the camer-"
14. "OK, this is a stick-up!! Don't anybody mov... uh, oh."
13. "I wish you hadn't done that, boy the people who work here are on our side."
12. "Yikes. Those sawed-off shotgun drinking fountains take a little getting used to."
11. "Attention shoppers, please keep your wallets out of sight. Some NYPD officers have entered the store, and you DON'T want to alarm them."
10. "Would you like a bag of cold, dead fingers to go with that?"
9. "Whaddaya mean, 'cash or credit card'? Just because some criminals write bad checks, you're going to punish a decent, law-abiding check-writer like me?"
8. "EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!!!! Oops... False alarm it's just our new popcorn machine."
7. "A Pokemon model .357 magnum? You don't even play with the Scooby-Doo .45 you have now!"
6. "Sorry. Thought he was a deer."
5. "Our cheeseburger special won't kill you the cholesterol will kill you!"
4. "Cleanup in aisle 5! Bleeding liberal pansy in aisle 5!"
3. "How the heck did they get Bill Clinton's face on those urinal cakes?"
2. "Sit still, Grandma! How else do ya expect me to shoot that there beer can off'n yer head?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the NRA's New Theme Store/Restaurant...
1. "Ever notice that the Target store across the street is always empty?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
A FEW FAMOUS "LAST" WORDS...
"I have always found strangers sexy." Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." Modeling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax."
"The aeroplane is scientifically impossible."
Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It overestimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off and I speak as an expert in explosives." U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." New York Evening Sun, April 15, 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." director of the US Patent Office,
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR IS TOO OLD
1. He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.
2. He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.
3. He tells you about the latest in anesthesia... and then hands you a bullet to bite on.
4. He worked at Mt. Sinai...unfortunately it was with Moses.
5. Says he's skeptical about this new penicillin drug.
6. Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is... he's giving you a rectal exam.
7. After discovering he's out of colostomy bags, he says, "Here, use mine."
8. Says he served as a medic during the war...the Civil War.
9. He was Eve's gynecologist.
10. Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath... signed by Hippocrates.
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