THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 19, 2000
In memory of
my daughter-in-law Tracy's father who passed away May 11, 2000
survived also by wife Sandy and son Matt
Every action of our lives touches on some chord
that will vibrate in eternity.
— Edwin Hubbel Chapin
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" — Adolph Hitler, 1933
I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
I don't use my conscience as my guide... it's more of a creative consultant.
If we're born again, does that mean we get two belly buttons?
Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake.
Experts estimate that one out of every six mobile homes is haunted by a ghost. Warning signs include cans of Skoal mysteriously floating through the air, invisible fingers smudged with Cheetos, blood dripping from your simulated wood paneling, and the room spinning before you even get drunk.
Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener, you're acting directly on its behalf. — Skylar (Minnie Driver) in Good Will Hunting.
Women do not, snore, burp, sweat or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will explode.
Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shaking for? She's gonna to eat me.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
So why can't they make *tampons* that are "ribbed for my pleasure"? — Jenni Elion
Over the weekend, my computer was infected by a virus — the one where, when you open it, it drinks all the beer in your fridge and gets all sleazy with your woman. No, wait... never mind. That was me. — Andy Pierson, I Bet
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. And specifically for who you are when you pretend to be who I am and end up wearing my underwear. — Scott McGee
"Where do babies come from?" It's a little unnerving when asked by your 4 year old, but it's downright terrifying when it comes from your HMO-assigned doctor. — Brad Osberg
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== BENT NEWS ==--CASANOVA 101: Guess where you can get the best lessons on meeting the opposite sex? School of Seduction Paris. Parisians are turning to classes at the city's School where instructors promise to teach even the most timid men and homeliest women to approach the opposite sex with Casanova-like confidence. "We teach men to dare," said Veronique Jullien, 42, the flamboyant founder and head of the school. After a psychological profile to identify potential weak points, candidates move on to one-on-one lessons with one of the school's several seduction coaches. (Reuters)
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
The U.S. government said there are 2 million Americans in jail.
[The situation will be addressed next weekend during the first annual "Million Con March."]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
—————————————————————Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
THE TOP 12 THINGS WE'D LIKE TO HEAR GEORGE W. BUSH SAY IN A SPEECH
12. "And now, the top 5 things the 'W' can stand for... Number 5: Wacky... Number 4..."
11. "And, in conclusion, let me give a shout-out to my homies back in A-Town."
10. "I'm also a uniter in the bedroom."
9. "Twenty bucks a vote! Let Gore top THAT!"
8. "Hey, some of my best friends are gays with gun permits."
7. "Check out this list of funny hurricane names I came up with..."
6. "I don't have to steal jokes from the Internet! I can be
funny all on my own! Listen... Read my lips: BOOGER!"
5. "I believe the key to the future is platitudes — lots and lots of platitudes."
4. "My new motto: A doofus with connections... HEY! Who tampered with my notes?!?"
3. "And I want the people to know that I'm a fast worker. Why, in the time it took to watch the 'Dukes of Hazzard' reunion movie, I was able to review 15 death row pleas for clemency."
2. "...and the number four Muslim polka song title is..."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing We'd Like to Hear George W. Bush Say in a Speech...
1. "Am I qualified to run the most powerful nation in the world? No. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GETTING THE JOB
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 15 WAYS TO TELL YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU'RE NOT GRADUATING
15. "The restraining order banning me from entering the state made it kinda difficult to attend class."
14. "As a member of PETA, I refuse to accept anything on sheepskin."
13. "Let me start this off by pointing out that George W. Bush graduated from college, and Albert Einstein didn't."
12. "Hey, midterms were the same week as our IPO roadshow!"
11. "I was detained by Metallica for listening to their music without express written consent."
10. "Those bastards refused to count all-night raves towards the Phys. Ed. requirement."
9. "From the time I was a kid, you've been telling me I had to go to college — now you want me to *leave*?!?"
8. "I'm working with the Guinness Book people to break the 'Most Years Spent in High School' record currently held by the kids in 'Beverly Hills 90210'!"
7. "I'll tell you why I failed those history courses... because the professor was as bad as Amos Hitler!"
6. "Mom, Dad, I've got good news: I'm J.O.B. negative!"
5. "I still haven't finished my Principles of Economics thesis: The Effects of Ten Years' Tuition on the Retirement Plans of 50-Year-Old Parents."
4. "Mom, I know this is no excuse, but I was emotionally distraught because Dad's been banging his secretary."
3. "As chief architect of the dorm's Beer Can Wall, I can't possibly leave until it's finished."
2. "Look at this way, folks: From now on, all your French fries will be free!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way to Tell Your Parents That You're Not Graduating...
1. "The good news, Dad, is that we've reserved a spot for you on the 'Parents of Gay Students Expelled from Bob Jones University' float in this year's gay pride parade."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SLAVE OF THE 90'S IF...
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You're reading this.
20. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
[Thanks to Fred, the God of Golf]
THE EVOLUTION OF THE MEANING OF ROSES
If you have ever sent someone roses you have surely seen a small pamphlet describing the meaning of roses. The various colors symbolize the different feelings one has for a loved one. Through time these meanings have changed and evolved to it's present form. Our crack staff here at Comedyzine did some research and came up with the original meanings and how they may evolve in the future.
Love and respect
I'm really, really, really, sorry. I screwed up big time.
I stopped at a red light for you.
Innocence and purity.
I would like to end your innocence and purity.
We can pretend about your innocence and purity
Desire for someone.
I have a tremendous desire for you. I have wet dreams about you every night.
I don't need to spend money on dinners for you. The wet dreams are more than enough.
Expresses your enchantment for someone.
I am enchanted by your loveliness and I really like your breasts.
I am enchanted by your breasts.
Shows fascination for someone.
You fascinate me, especially after learning of your dominatrix experience.
I want to be whipped by you. Just you and nobody else but you.
Expresses joy and friendship.
I really enjoy our friendship. The florist was out of coral roses and I want to spend the night with you.
It would be a joy if we could take this friendship to another level.
LIGHT PINK ROSE
Grace and happiness.
I have said grace every night so that I may get the chance to make you happy on the kitchen table.
You have made me a religious man.
DARK PINK ROSE
I am thankful I do not have to send you anymore coral roses.
You were great last night.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a conservative Republican. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were conservative Republicans too. Not really knowing what a conservative Republican was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a conservative Republican."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm a proud liberal Democrat," boasts the little girl.
The teacher a little perturbed, her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a liberal Democrat.
"Well, I was brought up to believe that people need a government to help ensure a fair deal for everyone. My Dad and Mom are liberal Democrats, and I am a liberal Democrat too."
The teacher now angry, loudly said, "That's no reason. What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a conservative Republican."
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
[Thanks again to Craig]
SEXUAL FACTS ABOUT MEN
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex: It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Thaturday and Thunday
—————————————————————One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time..."
ANOTHER NRA "WISDOM" STORY
(my apologies in advance to Sam...)
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE COMPUTER ILLITERATE?
• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
• A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
• A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
• Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
• A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer — but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
• Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk — I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
THE HISTORY OF TECH SUPPORT
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
"Fire help. Me Groog."
"Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work."
"You have flint and stone?"
"You hit them together?"
"Fire not work."
(sigh) "Make spark?"
"No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday."
(sigh) "You change rock?"
"I change nothing."
"Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire."
(Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave)
(IN VARIOUS WORLD RELIGIONS)
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucious say, "Shit happens."
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
I've seen this shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
It's true, shit does happen — but only to Lutherans.
If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Got any laxatives?
If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Survival of the shittiest.
When shit happens, don't call a doctor — pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit in your mind.
I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
Shit doesn't just happen — somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Shit happens, usually in three's.
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
Shit happens one day at a time.
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Only happy shit really happens.
This shit is good for me.
Shit happens half the time.
Why do you keep shitting on us?
This is really weird shit.
Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
What is this AMORC shit?
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Mix this shit together and it will happen
All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Leave our shit alone
You are all pieces of shit.
"Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
THE TOP 27 NEW STATE MOTTOS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Recently a federal appeals court ruled that Ohio's state motto, "With God, all things are possible", was unconstitutional because it amounts to a government endorsement of Christianity. We uncaged our ClubTop5 subscribers and asked them to come up with a few new state mottos of their own, and today's list was compiled from their submissions.
27. Nebraska: The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
26. Oklahoma: We're like the Canada of TX!
25. Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next!
24. Washington: Come for the Protests — Stay for the Coffee!
23. West Virginia: Got Teeth?
22. Tennessee: The Darwin State
21. Mississippi: We're Hard-on Crime
20. Utah: Now open 7 days a week.
19. Puerto Rico: Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry
18. California: Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
17. Florida: We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba.
16. Alaska: Colder Than a Witch's Tit — and Prettier, Too!
15. Florida: So close, you can smell Fidel.
14. Kansas: We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
13. Arkansas: It's Trailer-rific!!!
12. South Carolina: Oh, yeah — like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
11. Florida: Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
10. Illinois: Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
9. Kentucky: Come for the Bluegrass — Stay for the Incest!
8. Rhode Island: Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
7. Iowa: Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
6. South Dakota: Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
5. Alabama: Like the third world, but closer.
4. Michigan: It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.
3. Florida: Hey you kids, get off of my state!
2. Virginia: Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!
and the Number 1 New State Motto...
1. Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE ARKANSAS FARMER
An Arkansas farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening — she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of "Animal Husbandry."
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay," arose and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and said, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO WRITING GOOD...
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
12. Be more or less specific.
13. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
14. The passive voice is to be avoided.
15. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
16. Who needs rhetorical questions?
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. Don't never use a double negation.
19. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
20. A writer must not shift your point of view.
21. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
22. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
23. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
25. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
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