THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 12, 2000
In memory of
my friend Twila's mother who passed away May 6, 2000
Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.
Edwin Hubbel Chapin
No matter where you go,
However far away,
A part of me will be with you
And a part of you, with me, will stay.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Think your love life sucks? All my "ILOVEYOU" e-mails said "I really like you, but I'm just afraid to commit". The Goddess
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
A: It's for Dickheads!
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A wolf in sheep's clothing needs professional help.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? Dennis Miller
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
I don't read books, but I have friends who do. Presidential Candidate George W. Bush
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
SCARIEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "We'll have...a president where we work out of their office." National Rifle Association vice president Kayne Robinson, at a closed meeting of NRA members earlier this year, describing the access he envisions if George W. Bush becomes president. (Newsweek)
Another laptop computer has disappeared from the State Department. The disappearance came to light during an inventory ordered after a laptop containing classified information went missing about two months ago...
[Note to State Department Employees: When you want to deliver a message, just send e-mail not the entire computer ]
As Miami's city fathers stumble from crisis to crisis in the Elian Gonzalez saga, residents are showing their contempt by dumping enough bananas on City Hall's steps to start a small fruit-growing republic. Critics of Mayor Joe Carollo and his administration are strewing bananas singly, by the bunch and by the crate-load on the grounds of Miami's Art Deco City Hall. Messages are carved into some, others are ready for eating. Just in case they had missed the point, City Hall staff arrived for work one day to find the building draped with a yellow banner reading "The Banana Republic of Miami".
[They tried dumping cigars in front of the White House, but Clinton got the wrong message and just hired more interns ]
On Monday, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore challenged GOP rival George W. Bush to a debate later this month on the future of Social Security
[Bush had no immediate response which kind of explains why he doesn't want to debate ]
John McCain has decided to endorse eventual Republican presidential nominee George W. Bush, and claims to be looking forward to "enthusiastically campaigning" for him.
["That guy I said was an unqualified idiot last month? I endorse him "]
INTERNATIONAL: In a planned protest against the British royal family, the Movement Against the Monarchy (MAM) are organizing the first ever mass public "mooning" outside Buckingham Palace. According to their website, their goal is to gather "2000 bare butts".
[Queen Elizabeth can just pretend they're kneeling ]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS AWARD: To Jeff Taylor, 39, CEO of Monster.com who claimed a world record by water skiing for more than 11 minutes behind a blimp on St. Andrews Bay in Florida. The previous record claimant was British billionaire Richard Branson, chairman of the Virgin Group, who issued a challenge after skiing 1.5 miles behind his blimp.
[And you thought the new Silicon Valley millionaires were shallow...]
BENT TRIVIA: Total time the Beatles were in the recording studio to record Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? 40 hours. Total time for 'Yesterday'? 3 hours.
BENT AUCTION: Item up for auction on eBay: a guitar "that Elian Gonzalez will probably play when he gets older".
[Think about it... you'd have to win the auction then give it to Elian.]
RAINING CATS AND BALLS: A huge metal ball fell from the sky Thursday onto a farm near Worcester, 75 kilometers (45 miles) east of Cape Town, leaving a 20-centimeter (8-inch) dent in the earth. The next day another ball a meter wide plummeted from the sky onto a farm in Durbanville, just outside of Cape Town. Local tenant farmers heard them hit, saying they sounded like thunder. NASA scientists said Sunday that the mystery balls were garbage from a Delta rocket launched in 1996. Nick Johnson, who is in charge of orbital debris for NASA, said that space garbage reenters the Earth's atmosphere almost every day, landing mostly in the ocean. (AP)
[I want the job of 'Manager in charge of orbital debris'...]
BENT QUOTE: "Although no one had been hurt by these objects in the last 40 years, the U.S. government would compensate anyone who is struck by the objects," Nick Johnson, NASA spokesman (and 'Manager of Orbital Debris'), told South Africa's 702 radio station. (above story)
[Just exactly how much will the U.S. Government give me for being hit in the head by an 3 foot metal ball?]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
MEDICINE: (Washington) Score one for the fight against female impotence. The FDA has just approved the Eros system which was designed to increase blood flow to the clitoris. Simply put; its a small tube attached to a suction cup that runs on batteries. Once the clitoris becomes properly engorged, the apparatus is removed, and... A prescription is required, but there are no reported side effects.
[Three speeds: slow, medium, and who needs a man?!]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh my gosh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be very painful... I had tennis elbow once!"
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTDue to the rampant "ILOVEYOU" virus affecting over 30 million computers worldwide, AOL has announced a change in their email program.
From now on, instead of the familiar greeting, "You've Got Mail!" you'll now be greeted with, "You've Been fucked."
TECH SUPPORTTech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "I seem to be having problems running my Landscape Navigator."
Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail and it's NO DAMN GOOD!"
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "You gave me the CD and the manual, but you DIDN'T GIVE A MODEM!!!"
Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."
Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."
Tech: "What's your email address?"
Customer: "I don't have one."
Tech: "You don't have one? Did you install the starter kit?"
Customer: "Did I need to?"
Tech: "Welcome to tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: "You sounded much nicer the last time we spoke."
Tech: "Pardon me?"
Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer and I thought you had a lovely voice."
Tech: "Uhhh, are you sure it was me?"
Customer: "Yes, definitely you."
Tech: "Well, uhhh, what can I help you with?"
Customer: "Well, I'm gay and I'm feeling lonely..."
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?"
"Windows 85 uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm. Does this mean I need a computer?"
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.
AND HAVE A NICE TRIP...I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course, I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."
THE TOP 14 SONGS ON THE NEW *N SYNC CD
14. "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?"
13. "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend"
12 ."Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me"
11. "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog"
10. "A Personal Love Song for You Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!"
9. "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)"
8. "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!"
7. "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever"
6. "You Should Buy This CD Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular Than You"
5. "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!"
4. "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's Permit)"
3. "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls?"
2. "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely"
and the Number 1 Song on the New *N Sync CD...
1. "What's Up, A-Cup?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PROFESSORS
Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At least for the male professors)
Address the professor as "your excellency".
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers...
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking...
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent...
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering...
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute!)
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room...
Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall...
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISSSome newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
JOB INTERVIEWSWe've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
[Thanks again to John]
THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NATIONAL PARK
10. The only pictures Ansel Adams took of it were from inside the women's shower.
9. Bears not only take your picnic basket at gunpoint, but also make off with your Ford Explorer.
8. Your view of the scenery is blocked by reactor units #2 and #3.
7. "Here we see the oldest mobile home formations in the entire White Trash National Park."
6. Waterfalls seem to lose some of their majestic power whenever someone flushes a toilet.
5. Proudly proclaims, "100 percent Spotted Owl Free!"
4. When a squirrel runs by, park ranger bolts, screaming, "Run!! Run for your lives!!"
3. Every couple hundred feet along the hiking trails another Starbucks.
2. "Old Faithful" turns out to be a vacationing Frank Gifford.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad National Park...
1. On the tour, you see more of the Grand Crack in the ranger's ass than you do of the canyon.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
MCDONNELL DOUGLAS CUSTOMER SURVEY
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ______________________
Last Name: ______________________
Password: _______________________ (max. 8 char)
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19__/__/__
4. Serial Number: ___________________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Back room politics
[_] Negative experience while opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] Killer Robotic Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Thermonuclear weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Defaulting on loans
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Military Aerospace Division
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