THE WEEKLY RIOT
May 5, 2000
The greater a man's soul,
the deeper he loves.
Leonardo da Vinci
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude. Alexander Haig, American politician
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. P.J. O'Rourke
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!" Ed Hextor
If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice.
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. Britney Spears
It's funny. When the magazine comes out, it'll be the first time Rick Rockwell will get to see her naked. Jay Thomas, emcee of the "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" show that briefly united Rockwell and Darva Conger, on her plans to pose for Playboy
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should find you a temp. Bob Ettinger
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!
Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality.
Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations.
Mathematicians never make the connection.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Testing the hypothesis "There's no rest for the wicked" has proven to be a lot more fun, and a lot less tiring than I had expected. James Rice
The thing I love most about my S&M mistress is that she doesn't care whether I'm Baptist, Jewish, Catholic, or Methodist. She's a non-denominatrix. Woody Walker
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: The five main nuclear powers the United States, Russia, France, Britain and China pledged on Monday "unequivocal commitment" to eliminate atomic weapons, without setting a timetable
[But it sure sounded impressive for a second there, didn't it...?]
ENTERTAINMENT: William Shatner ("Captain Kirk"), who advertises for Priceline.com, doesn't know how to use a computer
[Where are Sulu and Uhura when you need them ?]
INTERNATIONAL: Tourists are causing a lot of anxiety and are costing money
to a tiny village where signs keep disappearing.
What do the signs read? "Welcome to fucking, Austria."
Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.
The town sign has been stolen seven times in the last few months. With signs costing several hundred dollars apiece, much of the tiny town's budget is being spent replacing the signs, says Siegfried Hoeppel, the Mayor of fucking, (what a job to have, huh?). He went on to express his hope that further thefts will be avoided through the use of increased concrete and... bigger screws.
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
A St. Petersburg, Florida Postal Service supervisor has taken a medical leave, claiming that she is stressed out after being ordered to cut her fingernails.
[I ... see ... dead ... people.]
Georgia has become the first state in the nation to eliminate tenure for public school teachers.
Gov. Roy Barnes called the move "real important for booklearnin' and the like, umm-hummm."
Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates said Tuesday that consumers would be hurt if his company were broken up by the federal government.
[Hey, can't we just shut the company down and re-start it? That's what I have to do every damn day with my Microsoft software.]
In Floyd, Virginia, a teen-age girl and her female date are preparing for a high school prom, despite strong opposition from community leaders and concerns over their safety.
["What ever happened to the old-fashioned prom values of a boy and a girl getting drunk and having unprotected premarital intercourse resulting in a tragic unwanted pregnancy?" asked the school Superintendent.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager!"
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis."
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement..............................12 cal
Without her agreement..........................187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands....................................8 cal
With one hand......................................12 cal
With one hand being slapped..................37 cal
With the mouth.....................................85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection........................................6 cal
Without erection...................................315 cal
Trying to find the clitoris.........................8 cal
Trying to find G spot..............................92 cal
Without caring at all..............................0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up......................................12 cal
Just on the floor....................................8 cal
69 laying..............................................8 cal
69 standing up......................................112 cal
Italian chandelier..................................912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Staying in bed......................................18 cal
Jumping off the bed...............................36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed....816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age.............12 cal
from 20 to 29.........................................36 cal
from 30 to 39.........................................108 cal
from 40 to 49.........................................324 cal
from 50 to 59.........................................972 cal
over 60..................................................2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Being in a hurry......................................98 cal
With her husband opening the door..........1218 cal
[Thanks to Ralph the God of Marina del Oro]
SOFTWARE PROBLEMSTo: Product Support Staff
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3 and Opera Night 1.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please?
This is very common problem, but it is mostly due to a misconception. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 without realizing that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of the "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3.
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:＼ I thought you loved me."
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
Tech Tip: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 1.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly Files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip.
Just remember: The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0. Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.l. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar, and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
A final word of caution. DO NOT, under any circumstances install Mother In Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operation system... Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
[Thanks again to John]
HOW TO KNOW YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING
At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds.
They begin to call you "the tripod."
You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...
Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
You always lose limbo contests.
Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.
Seen on a sign:
90% FIX A FLAT
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG WHEN...
1. You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the "Internet" in a cemetery.
2. Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're made out of World Wide Web.
3. You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?", and he says it's the sun.
4. You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.
5. You think rec room is a new newsgroup.
6. When asked for your address on a form, you put @compuserve.com.
7. When using your phone you forget that you don't have to use your keyboard.
8. Your mother suggests taking an apple to school and you wonder how you're gonna get the whole thing in your bag.
9. You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium."
10. Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one.
11. You think "intelligent" means a refined computer user.
12. Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.
WHAT MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT
Excerpts from "The Rants" by Dennis Miller
WHAT MEN REALLY WANT
I know the myth is that men want...
Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen,
Hazel around the house,
Lesley Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins for the children,
Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
Mary Richards at work,
Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
Gertrude Stein in conversation,
the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
combined with the voice of Sade,
and to top it all off,
the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.
2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time?
5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at The Drink when I was single.
7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?
WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT
...Does size really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays it seems like they want... other women. No, uhh... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want...
Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
Brad Pitt around the house,
Brad Pitt during a game,
Brad Pitt when they're sick,
Brad Pitt in conversation,
the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
combined with the voice of Brad Pitt,
and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, total idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo...
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
A woman asked her husband late one night to go to the store and buy her some cigarettes. He got dressed and went to a nearby convenience store, but it was late and they were closed.
He noticed a bar next door and decided to go in and check for a cigarette vending machine. While he was looking, he saw this gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. "Why not," he figures, and he goes over to talk to her. They chat, have a drink or two, one thing leads to another, and at about two in the morning he wakes up at her place.
"Omigosh!" he says, "My wife's cigarettes! Do you have any talcum powder?"
"Sure," says the lady, and he takes some and rubs it all over his hands before he goes home.
His wife is already in the doorway, visibly steamed. "WHERE the HELL have YOU been?"
"Well," he says, "I went to the convenience store, but it was closed, so I went to the bar next door, hoping that there'd be a vending machine there. I saw this beautiful woman and figured 'Why not?' and went over to talk to her. We had a couple of beers, one thing led to another, and I woke up back at her place."
"Let me SEE your HANDS!" she yells.
He shows her his palms, which are covered in talcum powder.
"You LIAR!!!! YOU went BOWLING again!"
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
Now that's a Dear John letter...
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
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