THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 28, 2000
Fears over tomorrow and regrets over yesterday are
twin thieves that rob us of the moment.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want.
I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a little bit scary.
I believe that it was Nietzsche who said: "That which does not kill us gives us an abominable case of diarrhea."
I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket. Anita Loos
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If a man falls in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, does he still moan like an idiot? Debbie Pittman
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Doomsayers are predicting that the Earth's poles could shift, earthquakes may strike and the stock market might plummet on May 5-16 when the sun and six of the planets come into perfect alignment with one another
[And if Oprah goes hand gliding, make it eight!]
New York animal shelters have begun placing tiny microchips beneath the skin of animals in the hope it will make identifying lost pets easier, and reunite more strays with their rightful owners...
[Remember to clean up after your pet if it downloads on the sidewalk...]
The China Giant Panda Research and Conservation Center is showing extinction-threatened giant pandas videotapes featuring others of their species copulating in hopes of prodding them to mate...
[The first showing of the film went well until police burst into the screening room and arrested Paul Reubens in the front row...]
25-year-old Brande Roderick, one of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends, has landed the female lead on "Baywatch Hawaii"
[She learned all the necessary lifesaving and emergency medical techniques by performing them on Hefner after sex every night ]
Reacting to news that the Justice Department is leaning toward asking a federal judge to break up Microsoft Corp., the Nasdaq plummeted over 161 points on Monday
[I was going online to sell all my shares, but as usual I couldn't get my Microsoft Browser to work ]
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Scientists at North Carolina State University and the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences have discovered the world's first dinosaur specimen with a fossilized heart.
[Actually, the second Jesse Helms is the first dinosaur with a fossilized heart.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKES
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
THE TOP 15 THINGS ELIAN HAS LEARNED WHILE IN AMERICA
15. In America, nobody works!
14. Many of the fast food places here are just like McCastro's at home.
13. Gloria Estefan's political views are ignored *everywhere*.
12. Watch enough Jerry Springer, and living in an impoverished, authoritarian regime suddenly seems like paradise.
11. When the Anglo lady newscaster leans over, you can see all the way to Havana.
10. Ay carumba, Senorita Spears! Que implantados buenos!
9. Those pathetic Dominican candy cigars suck!
8. Except for the beard, Janet Reno is a dead ringer for Fidel Castro.
7. America has 3 kinds of TV shows: Cartoons, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", and "Look, There's Me Again!"
6. Even in a democracy known for its abundance, diet soda still blows.
5. If you read the script for the cameras, you get a cookie!
4. Camel Filters... Mmmm...
3. Cuba's covert "Operation Starbucks" is in full swing and is ready for the mind-controlling radio waves from the motherland.
2. Communists, Capitalists they're *all* a bunch of freaks!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Elian Has Learned While in America...
1. Long lines to buy things, oppressive crowds, huge rats running around, lousy food... Disney World sucks!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE "SUFFERING" FROM SUDDEN WEALTH SYNDROME
13. Regis: "Is that your final answer?" You: "Whatever."
12. Holed up in your mansion playing your thousandth straight game of Doom jacked up on Jolt, you feel a sudden twinge of nostalgia for the heady days of being holed up in your dorm room playing your thousandth game of Tetris jacked up on Jolt.
11. "Automatic ass wiper for $15,000? I'll take two!"
10. MasterCard calls to find out why all of the sudden you're Supersizing every friggin' meal.
9. Instead of downloading the latest Stephen King novel from the Internet you hire the author to read it to you. In person. While tap-dancing. In his underwear.
8. You before: Refuse to pay back student loans to "stick it to The Man."
You now: The Man.
7. George W. Bush slobbers as he kisses your butt.
6. The spectacularly sharp image of Alan Greenspan on your new 200" HDTV is obscured by globs of flung-across-the-room caviar.
5. Before: Bought stuff at Old Navy
Now: Bought an Old Navy
4. You hire lackeys just to smack around your other lackeys.
3. You bought 1 million copies of 'N Sync's latest CD on the day it came out.
2. You can't decide whether the supermodels just love you for your money or whether not to care.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're "Suffering" from Sudden Wealth Syndrome...
1. After the 17th Rolex, you decide to purchase a third wrist.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE HOSTAGESA group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
COMPANY AD SLOGANS
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, which is given in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market its car in Central and South America. Of course, in Spanish "No va" means "it doesn't go."
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish
translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
PICK UP LINES FOR GEEKS
Nice Set of Floppies!
Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?
I'd like to play on your laptop.
Need me to unzip your files?
If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long
I'd like to boot up your PC!
I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen.
I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
Your homepage or mine?
KID STUFFThree former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"
She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit!"
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
TERRIBLE DATING ACCIDENTS CASE #5,400,675Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
DOG RULESVisitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
(Simplified for Humans)
Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...
Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself.
Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISSAn efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
[Thanks again to Craig]A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand, along with spending cash, travel books, new clothes, etc.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than I am."
The fairy picked up her wand and ZAP he was 90!
[Thanks again to Craig]
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah?" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last'."
[Thanks again to John]
PERSPECTIVEA famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed,
make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."
YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE '90S IF:
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the news.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".
Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.
You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.
You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.
You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.
You read this entire list and understood it.
[Thanks again to Craig]
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in chair with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
ONE-LINERS FROM THE MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading."
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you're talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
[Thanks again to Craig]
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