T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 16, 2001
The time is always right to do the right thing.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Life is the purpose of what?
You're schizo too? I guess that makes four of us.
Is male or female the opposite sex?
The English may make good lovers, but the Japanese make them smaller and cheaper.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. Will Kommem
When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional... I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory.
Corporate IT is plagued by a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder known as DUH Dementia Upgradia Habitua. Nicholas Petreley
The consumer is not a moron; she is your wife. David Ogilvy
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
Ironically, of all my superpowers, the one I have used most over the years has been The Ability to Refold Fitted Sheets. Lee Entrekin
People think you're stupid if you haven't got a college degree, so I tell them I got my Ph.D. at a university in London. Ha! The joke's on them I've never even *been* to France. Gil Simon
I believe an infinite number of monkeys, sitting at an infinite number of computers, with an infinite number of telephone headsets, represents the sum total of all tech and customer service departments of an infinite number of computer companies. Then again, maybe I'm just pissed at being put on hold for so long. Terri Nugent
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Backing off a campaign pledge, President Bush told the U.S. Congress he will not regulate carbon dioxide emissions from power plants. The decision came after furious lobbying from the coal industry. It was a blow to conservationists who see curbing emissions of such "greenhouse gases" as key to reducing global warming. Skyrocketing energy costs, particularly in the West, was one of the reasons for Bush's about-face.
[Maybe if they would just figure out how to harness all the hot air coming out of Washington, they wouldn't have an energy crisis...]
GOVERNMENT: Due to the possibility of losing up to 3 billion dollars this year, the Postal Service is stopping new construction and plans for hundreds of projects.
[And postal workers aren't much better off, what with the rising cost of ammo...]
TOYS: Mattel's Ken doll whose full name is Ken Carson is 40 years old this week. Barbie is two years older. (For the record, her full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts)
[Ken, if you haven't gotten any from her in 40 years, it's time to move on...]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
YOU HAVE REACHED SPOT'S STOMACH. NO ONE IS AVAILABLE...
Mombassa, Kenya Kamal Shah lost his mobile phone. Most people would search their homes, cars or workplaces. In fact, Shah thought he had left it on his bedside table and presumed his son had taken it. However, the phone turned up in the unlikeliest spot. When he called the mobile number from his regular line, his dog's stomach started ringing. The event was so unexpected Shah commented, "It sent me into shock." The German Shepherd named Snoopy had swallowed it. During an
operation, the phone was removed.
NOT THAT KIND OF DELIVERY BOY:
Tallahassee, FL A 19-year-old delivery boy thought he was making a routine run the night he was sent to take a chicken wing order to a hotel. However, a group of 15 women who were having a party thought differently. Thinking he was their stripper, the women began groping and fondling his buttocks. But he wasn't that type of delivery boy. A police officer was later sent to follow-up on the claim, and the women thought he was the stripper, too.
EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, BLOW:
North Bergen, NJ These kids really know how to work and play well together. A group of 14 and 15-year-old high school students engaged in a game of "Dare" in their classroom during which acts of oral sex and fondling took place. Apparently it was a study period and while their teacher sat at her desk doing paperwork, the group of nine students got into a circle and did their sex education homework. School officials said they are concerned that such activity could take place in school especially right in a classroom. The teacher has been removed from classroom duty while an investigation ensues. She faces probable disciplinary action. (As reported in The North Bergen News.)
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did."
"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."
"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"
"So here I am."
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR LIFE TRULY SUCKS
15. You just paid $3.99/minute for the phone sex girl to tell you she has a headache.
14. The provisions you ordered to modify your outfit for the next Star Trek convention are on back order, your mom's boyfriend says you have to start paying rent for the basement, and your rating on amihotornot.com just went to a -18.
13. Despite your world-class beauty, you wake up every morning next to a guy named "Billy Bob."
12. Gas for minivan Mom lets you borrow to get to part-time job at XXX Videorama: $10
Odor-eaters: $2.95
Waking up on your 38th birthday to realize you're NEVER getting laid: priceless!
11. The rent-to-own place turned down your lava-lamp rental request because of your credit rating.
10. You're unanimously voted out of the Outback the Outback Steak House.
9. The closest thing you've had to a date recently was rubbing Vicks VapoRub on Grandma's chest.
8. Just as you're pulling into your driveway, you realize you already rented "Young Einstein" on Beta last month.
7. Despite two hit TV series, the friggin' paparazzi still refer to you as "Mr. Streisand".
6. Even though you've inherited millions, you can't get that lingering 90-year-old-geezer odor out of your hair and clothes.
5. The good news: the collision wasn't your fault.
The bad news: O.J.'s getting out of the other car.
4. Get out of bed, eat, commute, work, commute, eat, get in bed you take comfort in the pleasant symmetry of your life.
3. The only way you're getting screwed tonight is if AOL drops the connection while downloading your Top 5 List.
2. You're not even a sailor, but you finally realize your lifelong dream to drive a submarine. Then....
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Life Truly Sucks...
1. Your Saturday night: "C'mon, boy. Yesssssss... that's right. Good boy look what we have. Yessssss. For youuuuu. Now let me see... where is that old can opener? Where could it beeeeee? Here it is! Okay, here you go! Yessssss... doesn't that look yummmmmmy?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
GOVERNMENT LOGIC
Here's a little trivia (not without humor) to give one pause for thought...
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches, an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, & English ιmigrιs built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used the same wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications & bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you're handed a spec and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be right...because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
Now, the twist to the story...
When we see a Space
Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at its factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel which is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' asses. So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined 2 thousand years go by the width of a horse's ass.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOUR PET CAN READ YOUR MIND
NOTE FROM CHRIS: According to a book written by a former Cambridge University researcher, a parrot in Manhattan can read the mind of its owner. "But Chris," you say, "How do I know if MY pet has psychic abilities?" Fear not! Here's how you can tell...
13. You think about having him neutered and the next time you're taking a bath, Rover brings you the toaster.
12. They start throwing feces before you even get the typewriters out of their cartons.
11. When you fake throwing the ball, he fakes being fooled.
10. "Bwawk! Polly wanna new gold cage, or else Polly's telling Larry King about your rubber hose fetish and what you did with that watermelon. Bwawk!"
9. Well *someone* ordered the cat-size purple silk turban and crystal ball squeaky toy.
8. You ask for your slippers. Rover brings you Penthouse.
7. He times his litter box usage so that total poop-smell permeation in your apartment occurs at EXACTLY the same moment your date arrives.
6. The freakin' ferret *always* blocks your Triple-Word Score move.
5. You toss your "Inauguration '93" commemorative Frisbee over by the sunbathing babes, and good ol' Buddy comes back with two bikini tops.
4. Spot's able to guess 10 times out of 10 that it's Alpo for dinner.
3. No matter where you hide the key to the liquor cabinet, by the time you get home from work, Fido's halfway through the peach Schnapps, watching "Beaches," and crying like a baby.
2. You get the strange feeling that your cat is ignoring you on a whole *new* level.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Pet Can Read Your Mind...
1. The Waco-style armed standoffs that begin an hour before Sparky's trips to the vet.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
THE BULWER-LYTTON HOAX WINNERS
There's a hoax mail going around about of all things the Bulwer-Lytton contest, whose (real) motto is "Where 'WWW' means 'Wretched Writers Welcome'."
The official site (The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest) explains that the contest is "... a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels."
It's in reference to Paul Clifford, who penned this overwrought, rambling and infamous opening to a novel in 1830:
"It was a dark and stormy night...and the rain fell in torrents except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
Whew.
The contest usually produces some hilariously (and deliberately) bad writing and is always worth a grin. But for some reason, this year someone pulled off a lame and baffling hoax that involved circulating a list of contest winners that included an old runner up as the supposed winner this year. (I have no clue why someone would go to the trouble of concocting so minor a hoax.)
But the list *is* funny, even if it's not fully accurate:
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
LAST YEAR'S BIGGEST CHAIN LETTER
(with a new twist)
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you Already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again!!
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
INTELLIGENCE, DUBYA-STYLE
President Dubya Bush gets an invite from the Queen to come and visit her in England. One afternoon when drinking tea, he asks her what's the secret of her success?
She tells him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent. She decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair.
"Now listen carefully, Mr. Bush. I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question to determine his intelligence."
On the phone she says, "Oh hello Mr. Blair, I have a question for you.
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. This child is not one of your brothers and is not one of your sisters. Who is he?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me."
"Correct. Thank you, Bye" said the Queen and she hangs up.
"Did you get that Mr. Bush?"
"Yes'm. Thanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"
Once back in the US he decides that he has doubts about some Republicans and he's going to ask them the question.
He arranges a meeting with Jesse Helms, the Senator from North Carolina and asks him, "Mr. Helms, I know you're the Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee, and I need to trust your judgment. I have a question for you."
"Anything to stimulate the mind of this old Southerner," Helms responds.
"Uhh, your mother has a child. And your father has a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" asks Bush.
Helms thinks. And he thinks. Then he responds, "Umm, Y'all must gimme some time to think about it."
Bush decides to give him a day to come up with the correct answer. That afternoon, Helms calls a meeting to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Jesse Helms family tree, to no avail. The next morning, he realizes that he has to give G. Dub an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone Colin Powell.
"Colin, Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. It is not your brother, and not your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "Hey, Jesse, it's me of course, you dumb Cracker!"
Helms rushes to Bush's office, very impressed to know the answer to such a difficult question!
"Mr. Bush, I know! I know who it is! It is Colin Powell!"
"No, you dumb cluck. It's Tony Blair!"
NEW WONDER DRUG
From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who come into my office. The other day a Pfizer rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginkgo Viagra", and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing.
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOUR SOFT DRINK CONTAINS VIAGRA
NOTE FROM CHRIS: A soft drink containing an ingredient of the impotence drug Viagra was banned recently by Japanese officials after advertisements began appearing for the drink, touting it as "The solution to your nighttime problems."
12. Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.
11. The wife's pouring it on your corn flakes.
10. Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."
9. As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushing themselves.
8. Those Mountain Dew guys can finally express their true feelings for one another.
7. When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.
6. New surprisingly-graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.
5. Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision oh wait, that's just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.
4. The fast food kid's remark: "Oh, it'll be supersized, alright."
3. When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all Don King.
2. In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Soft Drink Contains Viagra...
1. The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and the Rockettes.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
THE TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS WHILE PLAYING GOLF, OR STANDING AT A URINAL
10. Back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Quiet please!...while others are preparing to take their shot.
5. Stay out of the water.
4. Try not to hit anyone.
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
2. Don't stare while others address their balls.
1. Don't let anyone see you take those extra strokes!
MARTIAN AND VENUSIAN MOODS
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks
sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN:
Horny
THE FARMER'S SONS
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in Arkansas in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They said, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "let's take these things off."
HOW TO DRIVE WOMEN CRAZY
Of course, use these 'suggestions' only if you don't plan on getting any anytime in the near future...
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Super-glue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with, "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
MORE KID'S WISDOM
A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:
The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
No news is no newspaper.
It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but homework.
If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
There is nothing new under the bed.
The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
Don't count your chickens it takes too long.
Q & A
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare
Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.
Q: What is a perfect lover?
A: A man who makes love until 3 am and then turns into chocolate...
Q: Why are guys so good at video games?
A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.
Son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm?
Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A fish.
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: When did you first notice this interest in roads?
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