T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 23, 2001
To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
Baruch Spinoza, 1632-1677, Dutch-Jewish philosopher
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
According to a new study, men cry an average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be... Jay Leno
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
To all the people who said I was crazy to sink all my money into tech stocks, I have just one thing to say: Can I sleep on your couch? Kevin Bonnay
Smile and the world smiles with you, but cry and toss a few kitchen implements at your parents, and it'll get you on "Springer" and a free vacation. Michelle Argabrite
Laser eye surgery is great, but not everyone can afford it. That's why I'm going to get ink jet eye surgery. And if they do it right, I'll be able to see in color, too! Whil Hentzen
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
SCIENCE:
Blind people could one day use their tongues to help them "see". Scientists have developed a device which transfers visual cues from a video camera to the brain through electrodes in the mouth. A map of the outside world is sent to a postage stamp-sized "tongue display unit" made of 144 electrodes which stimulates the highly sensitive tongue.
["Hey babe, mind if I get a good look at you with my tongue?"]
This week marks the final drop to Earth of the Russian Mir space station. Mission control has been planning and watching the plunge for months.
[They're even changing its name to the "Nasdaq Space Station"...]
POLITICS: According to the chief economist at the White House, the U.S. cannot cut carbon dioxide emissions now because it could contribute further to the current energy crisis. Economic advisor Lawrence Lindsey said on NBC's "Meet the Press" that imposing caps on the emissions could cause more blackouts, similar to the crisis in California.
[Listen up: Between Cheney and Dubya these guys know all about blackouts...]
MARITAL BLISS: In Florida, a new bride allegedly pelted her husband with the wedding cake and kicked him when he was on the floor during an argument after their St. Patrick's Day wedding. Kathryn Marie Patrick, 36, was released on $5,000 bond and charged with battery. Brett L. Patrick, the new hubby, had bruises and scratches and icing on his body, Florida police said.
[Something old, something new, something borrowed, and some blue balls...and one of his chads was hanging a little crooked...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by SodaMail
BENT PRESIDENTIAL QUOTE: "A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses Hispanically owned or otherwise pay taxes at the highest marginal rate, because most small businesses are not incorporated, they're sole proprietorships...," - Remarks to the Hispanic chamber of commerce.
[In case you missed it the word 'Hispanically' isn't in the dictionary
not that the rest of it makes much sense
]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
MURDER AND CONSPIRACY:
Troy, Michigan Billie Jean Rogers, 61, is charged with first-degree murder in suburban Detroit, Michigan, for smothering her husband. The victim, Donald Rogers, 74, had a high alcohol content at the time of his death, as well as a preexisting heart problem. Thus, the cause of his death was originally undetermined. However, an accomplice to the murder eventually leaked the details of the crime. Billie Jean Rogers and her nephew, now Vonlee Titlow, 33 of Chicago, allegedly plotted to murder the husband to obtain money for a sex change operation for him. After the death, Billie Jean Rogers gave Titlow $70,000 for the operation and a luxury sedan. Titlow, who has now also been charged with first-degree murder, slipped the details to a man she was dating.
[And you thought Jerry Springer was fake.]
AND SPEAKING OF FAKE...
ORGASMS SEEM A BIT FISHY FOR FEMALE BROWN TROUT:
Stockholm, Sweden I wonder who funded the research grant for this one. Biologists at Sweden's National Board of Fisheries have discovered that female trout frequently fake orgasms. After watching 117 pairs of trout couple in an aquarium, the biologists concluded that female trout deceived males on 69 occasions. Under usual spawning circumstances, a pair of trout would simultaneously release eggs and sperm to maximize the chances of fertilization. However, in many cases they witnessed the female holding back at the last minute to see if a "superior male" would come along. This tactic is said to be an insurance policy against male infertility.
COLLEGE DEGREES
(And What They Really Mean)
Sometimes it seems that what we study in college doesn't have much relation to what we end up doing for a living. Following is a list of various degrees, as well as what graduates actually end up doing after earning them.
COMPUTER SCIENCE
College: Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate.
Real Life: Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
PSYCHOLOGY
College: Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major.
Real Life: Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors.
ECONOMICS
College: Spend most of your time in a brightly lit room full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.
Real Life: Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists.
PHILOSOPHY
College: Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, crud! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking correct dead guy.
Real Life: Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher.
MATH
College: Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast.
Real Life: See above. You work for the university.
THE TOP 16 THINGS OVERHEARD ON AN ANTHONY HOPKINS/MARTHA STEWART DATE
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The newest showbiz power couple: Oscar-winning actor Anthony Hopkins and Martha Stewart, the Diva of Doilies, are supposedly dating. You know, some lists practically write themselves...
16. "Oh, you meant you'd give me *a* head tonight? That's very different then, isn't it?"
15. "A census taker tried to survey me once. I made a lovely autumn floral swag out of his liver."
14. "Is that a femur in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
13. "Oh God, Tony, that's a *very* good thing!"
12. "Finger sandwiches, chopped liver, and a real bloody Mary. Now *that's* a good thing."
11. "Now this dessert I call 'Medulla Oblon-Gelato'."
10. "...and this muzzle of yours can double as a strainer for pasta or for intestines."
9. "Gnawing on the phalanges is permissible, but should always be accompanied by fingerbowls."
8. "Martha, so help me, if you use the word 'potpourri' as a verb one more time, I'll kill both of us with this butter knife!"
7. "Go for my sweetbreads if you dare, Liverlips I've got a glue gun and I'm not afraid to use it."
6. "No, dear, you eat spleen with *this* fork."
5. "Do that damned 'fth-fth-fth-fth-fth' thing one more time, and I'll gag you with this lovely handcrafted doily!"
4. "Put a doily under that liver, pig."
3. "Has the rack of lamb stopped screaming, Martha?"
2. "The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce, and I'll just eat off her face."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard on an Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart Date...
1. "Eat me!!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
DIARY OF A MAD HOUSEWIFE...
DAY 1:
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2:
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3:
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4:
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5:
What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6:
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7:
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8:
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9:
No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10:
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11:
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12:
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
DAY 13:
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14:
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
DAY 15:
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
DAY 16:
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17:
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ!!! here he comes again.
DAY 18:
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
BIZARRE TRIVIA
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75%. Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%.
A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete barricade. Additionally, the are almost invisible from the air and can't be spotted by infrared sensors.
Bizarre News
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE STINKS WHEN...
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
Your over 25 and still live with your parents or some other relative. If you are 30 or more, well enough said...
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you do *not* talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
WIRTH'S LAW:
Software gets slower faster than hardware gets faster.
OR
Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.
[Referring to the CEOs of Intel and Microsoft]
Nicklaus Wirth (Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, Zurich)
JAPANESE ADVERTISING TRANSLATIONS IN "ENGRISH"
On a shampoo bottle:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.
On a blanket:
Not to be used as protection from tornado.
On a Japanese hemorrhoid medication:
Lie down on bed and insert poscool [sic] slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.
On a kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
No Smorking
Don't leave your mind at your identity.
We packed mercy of natural as it is, sweetness & sour taste in Kihon 40% drink.
Lady. One Shows only. Mail Stlipper!
Fresh young buns. With slits. Enjoy for heartful morning.
On a medicine bottle:
Take this pill three times a day until passing away.
Sing a song, Believe in love, while floating on superhighways.
These Underwears Fit Like a Globe.
Please do not use fire equipment for eating or drinking purposes, and or iron etc.
I'd like to doll myself up to the part you are not aware of. This is the way of my lifestyle. I am a clean partner of those who pay careful attention to the hidden.
Hitachi for personal life every day it brings fresh wind.
I've never felt fresh.
Oribu rip gross (translation: olive lip gloss)
Be gloriously-remember those class trips. The gum stuck on the back of the seats. The bolero like maddening.
Casket of Italian home-cooked meal will be sent to your table for enjoying Italian pasta menu.
On the tag of a very short, very low, very tight dress in a department store:
Make me expectant!
Why does coffee taste so good when you drink it naked with your family?
Label on the trash can under office desk:
you interior box
On a condom display stand:
Condom is rule.
Name of a department store:
Violence Jackoff
On spare wheel cover, Nissan recreational vehicle:
Enjoy Nature. Take a grip of steering.
Embroidery on the back of a black satin wind jacket
Person's For Men
Large letters on back of red toddler's jacket:
LUSTY
Embroidered like a brand name on a salaryman's shoulder bag:
Hill Billy
There was no time better than present.
Do not put today what you can off tomorrow.
HEAVEN AND HELL
An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gone down there. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
[Thanks again to John]
ORGANIZATIONAL THEORY
MEMO FROM DIRECTOR GENERAL TO MANAGER:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
MEMO FROM MANAGER TO DEPARTMENT HEAD:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
MEMO FROM DEPARTMENT HEAD TO FLOOR MANAGER:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
MEMO FROM FLOOR MANAGER TO SUPERVISOR:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
MEMO FROM SUPERVISOR TO STAFF:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
A FEW MORE SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without an ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is very effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
SWEARING 101
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
[Thanks again to John]
MORE FROM THE NEW MILLENNIUM DICTIONARY
Some terms, expressions and jargon, having roots in technology, that are spilling into common usage.
1K BUFFER: A particularly low capacity for learning and remembering new things: "He's got a 1K buffer when it comes to anything technical."
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
BAMBI: What game- and talk-show staffers call someone who freezes in front of the camera (like a deer caught in headlights).
BARFOGENESIS: That seasick feeling some people get with virtual reality headsets. Caused by a conflict in the brain: the eyes register movement, but the inner ear doesn't feel it.
BIO-BREAK: Techie euphemism for using the toilet.
BOZON: A unit of stupidity (from bozo). "The cabinet appointments are sure to increase the bozon count."
BRAIN BAG: A laptop carryall. From aviators' slang for the case that contains a pilot's flight papers and personal effects.
BRANDALISM: "Defacing" of schools, libraries, and other public spaces with logos, advertisements, and corporate slogans.
BUTT-TO-GROUND ADAPTER: An impromptu stool fashioned out of an audio/video equipment box set on end.
CLICKSTREAMS: The paths a user takes as he or she navigates cyberspace. Advertisers and online media providers are developing software that can accurately track users' clickstreams.
CLUE-BY-FOUR: A new twist on "Get a clue!" "Netcom needs to be hit with a clue-by-four for its lack of an antispam policy."
CUDDLETECH: Describes the iMac, the new VW Beetle, and other cute and friendly tech toys.
DEBONING: The act of removing subscription cards, cardstock ad pages, and "blow ins" from a magazine to make it easier to turn the pages.
DIAPER CHANGE: One of several daily visits by a tech-support person to the desk of a particularly incompetent user. "Sorry I'm late. I had to do another diaper change in Accounting."
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FORKLIFT UPGRADE: What you need when the only upgrade option left is a newer, more powerful system. "Only a forklift upgrade will let this database get any bigger."
GENERICA: Those features of the American landscape (strip malls, motel chains, prefab housing) that are exactly the same no matter what part of the country you're in. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
GLAMBASSADOR: A diplomat selected for his or her celebrity and appearance, not for any particular knowledge of foreign policy or international affairs. "Linda Gray of TV's Dallas was just made goodwill glambassador for the UN Population Fund."
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
INTELLECTUAL GILL-NETTING: The process by which Hollywood studios scoop up all conceivable intellectual rights to a given property by burying perpetual, universal "multimedia" rights within the contractual boilerplate.
JITTERATI: What the digital generation becomes after tanking up on too much coffee.
KODAK COURAGE: An extra dose of courage and the tendency to go beyond one's usual physical limits when being filmed or photographed (from action sports such as skateboarding, snowboarding, and extreme skiing).
LRF SUPPORT: An official-sounding computer feature that can be used to prank a salesperson or a computer know-it-all. "Does this system come with LRF support?" (LRF stands for Little Rubber Feet.)
MARGIN OF PREVARICATION: Formula for measuring the degree to which one has to exaggerate a product's value to close a sale. Defined as MP = (p - a)/p where p is the inflated value and a is the actual value. If you say that a product has a value to your customer of $12 million when it's really worth $3 million, the MP is 0.75.
NRN: (or "No Response Necessary") A proposed e-mail convention to prevent endless back-and-forth acknowledgments: "Thanks for the info." "You're welcome ... hope it helps." "I hope so too. Thanks."
SHOVELWARE: A CD-ROM title that contains mostly preexisting material shoveled in to fill the 600 Mbytes of disk space. "Kitchen-sink title," has a similar, although somewhat less derogatory, meaning.
SPENDORPHINS: The pleasure proteins that seem to be released during a shopping frenzy. Coined by Martha Barnette in Allure magazine.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
PEROT: To unexpectedly quit, as in "My cellular phone just perot'd."
YODA: Young Opinionated Directionless Artiste. An arts major or related hanger-on who lingers in coffeehouses spewing strong opinions and perennial wisdom without doing much to make a difference.
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