T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 30, 2001
I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do. That is character!
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
My favorite explanation for the recent earthquake in Seattle comes from eWeek's Spencer F. Katt: Bill Gates must have dropped his wallet.
In a speech today George W. Bush made up a whole new word: Hispanically meaning noncaucaseable. Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton attacked George W. Bush for breaking his campaign promises, and then, out of habit, told him to sleep on the couch. Craig Kilborn
The stock market is so bad Nike shareholders are actually making less than Nike employees. The 99-cent store has become NASDAQ headquarters. Bill Gates is on Comedy Central trying to win Ben Stein's money. Jesse Jackson had to let a mistress go. Even Whitney Houston took a hit. Darryl Strawberry was the smart one. He put all his money in crack. The Merrill Lynch bull has hoof and mouth disease. Jennifer Lopez lost her ass. Investors have lost more in the stock market than NBC lost on the XFL. Bill Gates is sleeping on Kato Kaelin's couch. Regis is hosting "Who Wants to Win a Big Jar of Pennies". Jay Leno
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
(On going to war over religion) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
(On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type
in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat'.
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: On Wednesday, lawmakers raised the possibility of legislation to monitor the safety and ethics of work done toward the cloning of human beings. There is also the possibility of stopping such experiments completely.
[We already have a race of ethically bad people who talk look and act all the same they're called politicians...]
BUSINESS: Four thousand Disney Company employees will soon be looking for work when the company eliminates about 3% of its work force. The reason behind the layoffs is said to be the "increasingly pressing challenges of the softening economic environment..."
[It's so bad that Snow White is down to three dwarfs and a temp worker, now...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN, PART II
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.
5. You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.
6. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
7. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
8. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever
9. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
10. You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
11. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
12. You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
13. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
14. You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
15. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.
16. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away
17. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
18. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
19. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
20. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
21. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
MALE ANSWER SYNDROME
In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.
Have you ever wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?
Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?
Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.
His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.
This behavior the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."
They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."
Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.
Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.
MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing woolly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.
ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND IN INSURANCE FORMS
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.
I am toddler!
[Thanks again to Craig]
A man walked into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner pointed toward three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one on the left costs $500," said the store owner.
"Why so much?" asked the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquired about the next monkey and was told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asked about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answered the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaimed the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Okay. Tell him I can't see him."
A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind.
A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy.
A group of people were in group therapy for various mental conditions. After weeks of therapy, the doctor decides to find out who had made the most progress. He puts all his patients in a room and after struggling to make them silent, points to the wall and says, "The first one to open that door will get fifty dollars."
The patients rush to the wall and start pulling and shoving each other. Then the doctor sees one patient sitting in one corner. Thinking that the guy had realized that there was no door, he walks to him and asks him, "So why don't you want to get the fifty bucks?"
The patient calmly replies, "Those fools are never going to open that door unless they get the key first."
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She
turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
[Thanks again to Craig]
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