THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 18, 1998
"Divine Love, unutterable and perfect, flows into a pure soul the way that light rushes into a transparent object. The more love that it finds, the more that it gives itself; so that, as we grow clear and open, the more complete the joy of loving is. And the more souls who resonate together, the greater the intensity of their love, for, mirror-like, each soul reflects the other's."
— Dante from "The Divine Comedy"
— Dante from "The Divine Comedy"
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Fa la la la la la, yadda yadda yadda. — Dennis Chastain
At this time of the year, with the holidays upon us, nothing says she cares about how I am, where I am and what I'm doing as much as the restraining order. — Randy Saint
Does anyone else find some irony in a bunch of politicians getting into a major fit over another politician lying? — Tim Stahmer
If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around, do the other trees laugh at him? — Adam Ashe
I wish every time *I* ran into trouble, I could just fire some missiles and make it all go away. — Anderson Reggio
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
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Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — Unknown
Why is there only one 'Monopolies and Mergers' commission? — Unknown
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying." — Woody Allen
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. — Unknown
Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me. — Amanda Vail
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
"We were finding that every time we went past Bill Clinton, the zipper was undone." Vicky Brown, an official at the Madame Tussaud's museum in Sydney, Australia, on why staffers sewed closed the fly on the presidential mannequin. — Newsweek
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--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE
==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg
Heavy rain Friday delayed the first steps in a plan to attach steel "suspenders" to straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
I'm no engineer, but couldn't they just plant a few Viagra tablets under the thing and be done with it?
For the first time ever, scientists were able to map the full genetic code of an animal — a worm.
The team would like to thank the American Bar Association for their generous help in supplying volunteer subjects.
A Los Angeles man has been arrested on Interstate-Ten in Louisiana for standing completely naked on top of his car.
"Son of a gun, we gonna have some fun on the bayou!"
The Dallas Morning News reports that the five lawyers involved in the Texas tobacco settlement have been awarded nearly $3.3 billion which will be paid by the tobacco companies.
Under I.R.S. regulations, this must be filed on your 1040 under the "Wages of Sin" section.
An appeals board has ruled that a Dutch pilot was illegally barred from an airport in the northern Netherlands for continually singing the theme to "The Flintstones" over his radio.
True story. No punchline necessary.
Two female Virginia Tech University ROTC members have been thrown out for stripping at a nearby nightclub.
"I don't know but I been told. [Repeat] When you dance in a G-string, it's awful cold. [Repeat] Clothes off. Clothes off."
General Motors has announced that it will offer an escape handle for people trapped in the trunks of cars.
You can thank GM's new consultant on such matters, "Mr. Goodfella"
Singer Barbra Streisand accused Republican leaders Wednesday of abusing their power by trying to impeach President Clinton.
She pointed out that only a eunuch is completely faithful to his wife, gesturing toward a collared James Brolin.
Kristopher Stubenrauch, 25, who smashed his way through a window at Microsoft Corp. and demanded to see Chairman Bill Gates, has been charged with burglary.
Microsoft security guards gave the intruder three options: Abort, Retry, or Ignore.
Radio talk show host Dr. Laura is dropping her lawsuit against the Web site that's posted naked photos of her.Attorney Johnny Cochran representing the defendants, argued "If you posed in the nude, it isn't lewd."
A new financial institution called the G&L Bank is trying to become the first bank catering specifically to gays and lesbians.
The bank's officers insist it's business as usual, "Heterosexual or homosexual — there's still a substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
The National League of Junior Cotillions, an etiquette and social training program, has put Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr on its "Ten Best-Mannered People of 1998'' list.
Apparently, he jabbed then twisted the fork in the *proper side* of President Clinton's head.
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--== THE DAILY PROBE
==--
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
SANTA RUNS SWEATSHOP, ELF CLAIMS ON SPRINGER
NORTH POLE (DPI) — A federal investigation has just been concluded with indictments now pending against Santa and Mrs. Claus according to an upcoming episode of Jerry Springer. Sources who have seen the taping say Santa's workshop is nothing more than a polar sweat-shop using underage elves. "The legal age for an Elf to work is 11 years old, but Santa has forced Elves as young as 4 or 5 years old to work," according to Winky, vice president of the Amalgamated Brotherhood of Elven Laborers. "Our whole local economy is dependent on Santa. He allows us to lead a normal life here at the North Pole," Binky complained. "It's not necessarily Santa forcing our young Elves to work but rather Mrs. Claus. You just wouldn't believe what an evil bitch that woman can be." Reached for comment, Santa denied the Elves' claims but did say that this year there seemed to be more work than ever "due to those damned Beanie Babies and Furbies." The episode will air on Dec. 24th at 11 PM. These same investigators are also said to be looking into possible illegal activities at the Keebler Elf tree. — Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz
FIRST YOU HAVE TO GET THE ELEPHANT'S ATTENTION
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — As the GOP majority in Congress continues to ignore the election results and the cards and letters streaming in to dissuade an impeachment vote, vandals spray painted the Capitol building earlier this week with the bright red message "We Said NO!" in 20-feet high letters. When this too did not stop the impeachment drive, Lilith Fair organizers held a free concert on the Washington Mall this week, and Melissa Etheridge led the crowd in chants of "No Means No!" With Congress still not accepting the public's call for censure, shuttle astronauts took time away from space station construction to rearrange various asteroids into a giant "NO" over Washington, but the message soon collapsed with adverse consequences to several relatively South Pacific islands inhabited only by insignificant poor people. White House spokesman, Joe Youknowthatnewguy, had only this to say: "Maybe if the people wrote the message some place the members of the majority would see it, such as inside their respective rectums." — Reported by Jonathan Colan
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[Thanks and XOXO to Ron — Psymon ]
Monica Lewinsky, released this statement today, countering President Clinton's firm denial of their affair: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head on."
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair."
"I will not be stained by it. Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts
I'LL JUST CALL YOU STUD MUFFINS...
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." — Camus
"I'm worn out." — Cyn
CORPORATE PROGRESS
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac and NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
BIZARRE MALE BONDING RITUALS, PART 7,591 — FOR GUYS WITH WAAAAYYYY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS...
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years — and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...
[Thanks to Brad]
- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
- Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
- Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
- In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
- The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
- You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
- You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
- You know what http:// stands for.
- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
- You see a good design and still have to change it.
- You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
- You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
- You window shop at Radio Shack.
- You're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
- You've already calculated how much you make per second.
- You've tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
A CHRISTMAS STORY
[Thanks to Sharon]
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his sweetheart for Christmas and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... Romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of beautiful white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he wrapped the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had it not been for your sister I would have chosen the leather ones, but she wears the cotton ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked so nice. I wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them Christmas Day for me.
All My Love,
John
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
THE TOP 15 BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING YOUR LIFE BROADCAST ON THE INTERNET
15. Women write in to reassure you that it's no big deal and that it happens to lots of men.
14. Cashiers refuse to accept your URL as photo ID.
13. It's no longer just your small circle of friends who know that you have no life.
12. You've just committed a murder and now you've got to kill all those pesky witnesses.
11. Ex-boyfriends always seem to know exactly which of their shirts and CDs you still have.
10. You get the eerie feeling you're being watched, even before you start doing bong hits.
9. Much harder to juggle both boyfriends *and* the girlfriend.
8. New higher resolution monitors compel more frequent dusting and vacuuming.
7. Faked orgasms now subject to critiques by impartial observers.
6. Email from strangers telling you you'll go blind from doing that.
5. The whole damn family logs on right when you start wrapping the Christmas presents.
4. You're playing solitaire, the phone rings, and it's some geek saying, "Play the red jack on the black queen."
3. The "visiting a sick friend" excuse doesn't quite work when millions of people know that you were really playing Freecell in your jammies.
2. Web-savvy Jehovah's Witnesses aren't fooled when you don't answer the door.
and Top5's Number 1 Bad Thing About Having Your Life Broadcast on the Internet...
1. Rip-off artists in Toledo are living the exact same life as you without giving you credit.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good — even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
FRUITCAKE RECIPE
You'll need the following ingredients:
- 1 C water
- 1 C sugar
- 4 large eggs
- 2 C dried fruit
- 1 tsp. baking soda
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 C brown sugar
- lemon juice
- nuts
- 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
DIRECTIONS:
SANTA'S TOP TEN PICK-UP LINES
[Thanks to Craig]
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'!"
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer."
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you."
4. "Uh — yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Baby!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
And the number 1 Santa pick up line:
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He's an a**hole — piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
HOLIDAY STRESS DIET
[Thanks to Craig]
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays:
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
Remember: "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"
THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMAS
by Chris White
'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially not Gore.
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told --
To me, and to you.
"On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest!"
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew Bubba
Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders."
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"
"Now Jordan! Now Currie!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered...
We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And — horror of horrors --
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.," and to "Friends."
Now Monica, Linda --
And Ken Starr, you fuck --
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
And what holds the future,
For Linda, the tape lady?
Well, Paula got a nose job,
And a brand new Mercedes!
And how'd Paula get these,
When she hasn't worked in months?
From her GOP Sugar Daddies --
She's a tramp, not a dunce!
Now they're talking impeachment,
Can't censure! Can't spank!
They want Pirate Bubba
To walk down that plank.
But while calling for support,
They'd better call Heaven --
Bubba's better at cliffhangers
Than 007.
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
THE "POLITICALLY CORRECT" DAYS OF CHRISTMAS...
[Thanks to John]
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)
* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Whether you've been naughty or nice...
Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Love,
Victoria
