THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 11, 1998





May the sun bring you new energies by day,
may the moon softly restore you by night,
may the rain wash away any worries you may have.
May gentle breezes refresh your soul...
And, all the days of your life,
may you walk gently through the world and know its beauty.

Unknown Author



THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")


Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend



INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. Unknown

If a man makes a statement in the forest and there isn't a women around to hear him, is he still wrong? Unknown

Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Unknown

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. Unknown

Titanic is the greatest love story ever?? Rich girl meets poor boy, poor boy draws rich girl, boat sinks, poor boy dies, rich girl lives to 150. Unknown

Christmas is the time of year to love your fellow man or woman. Just make sure you have permission, 'cause some people are just not into the holiday like that. J. Bronstad

If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I want credit for it. Anna Chin-Williams



YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.



IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright 1998, Jim Rosenberg



Israeli President Ezer Weizman said Sunday he hoped President Clinton would pull Middle East peacemaking out of the mire on a visit next week.
Clinton has a reputation at home for striking "complicated oral agreements" with members of the Jewish community.

An unruly passenger died aboard a Malev Hungarian airliner on Saturday after being strapped to his seat and injected with tranquilizers.
"You are now free to move about heaven. Please return your corpse to its full, upright and locked position."


Floods have killed 39 rare one-horned rhinoceros in eastern India, an official said Saturday.
President Clinton sent a personal, "From one rare horned animal to another" condolence note.

Nearly half of online users say the Internet has become something of a necessity in their lives.
However, a full 95% of that half admit that * "they actually have no lives", * calling into question the validity of the survey.

Johnson & Johnson announced it's eliminating 4,100 jobs over the next 18 months.
The health care urged fired employees to be brave: "No More Tears."


Monica Lewinsky has agreed to do an interview with the British TV network Channel 4 for a reported $664,000.
This a real rags-to-riches story... a real Fellatio Alger story.


Jesse "The Body" Ventura told "Hard Copy" that he's steaming mad at Hillary Clinton for making fun of his political campaign.
The First Lady accused discounted Ventura's remarks, accusing him of being part of "a vast steroidal conspiracy."


The University of Richmond is offering $23,000 to any student who can come up with a question that will generate a year's worth of discussion.
"Why does Pauly Shore have a career?"

The first two components of the international space station were linked yesterday by the crew of the U.S. space shuttle Endeavor.
I'm sure it was very difficult, but I'd be more impressed if NASA could send a team over to put together one of my son's * "Beast Wars" * and actually make it transform from an animal to a robot.

The FBI is expected to release more than 1,200 pages of files today that it kept on singer Frank Sinatra.
The biggest surprise is that for the first time in recent memory, Linda Tripp is not involved somehow.

A Qantas airline captain has been suspended over allegations that he let passengers take the controls of jet planes during international flights.
"Ladies and gentlemen from the flight deck, this is Norman Normanson from 12-F speaking. Woo-hoo! I'm flying!"


A British woman who was impregnated with sperm from her dead husband has given birth to a baby boy.
The last woman to give birth impregnated by a corpse was, of course, Tipper Gore.


NASA's first Mars-bound spacecraft in two years lifted off flawlessly Friday, beginning a billion dollar, 400-million-mile fact-finding mission.
It is expected to be the second most exhaustive search for nothing ever undertaken, after Ken Starr's.




--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--

Copyright 1998, Chris White



DR. KEVORKIAN PERFORMS ASSISTED MASTURBATION

DETROIT, MI (DPI) Dr. Jack Kevorkian, proponent of heavily-assisted suicide, has participated in yet another bizarre medical procedure, this time helping Dean Squires of suburban Detroit by assisting in masturbating the 39 year old construction worker to orgasm. While authorities here scampered for their lawbooks to determine the legality of both the procedure and the videotaping of such for a planned pay-per-view showing, Dr. Kevorkian defended his well-lubricated actions. "The man hadn't gotten off in 3 years, for cryin' out loud! He was about to burst, and that would've injured any innocent bystanders in the area. This was a definite medical emergency." A sheepish Mr. Squires seems to be doing fine. Next up for Kevorkian is a planned series of assisted home liposuction procedures with "Ally McBeal" actress Calista Flockhart.
Reported by Tristan Fabriani


HE'S MAKING A LIST AND CHECKING IT DUCK!

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has once again asked the Department of Justice for wider jurisdiction, citing a claim by Georgia Representative Bob Barr that he has in his possession a wish list prepared by President Clinton addressed to one "Santa Claus." In said document, Mr. Clinton asked for very specific "presents" which could be used against him in the current Congressional impeachment hearings. Along with the usual items a $10,000 gift certificate to McDonald's, a new Labrador puppy without the hidden microphone, a gold "get out of jail free" card, and a Pin-the-Tail-of-a-Skanky-Itern game, Mr. Clinton also asks this Mr. Claus for a box of waterproof vibrating El Productos, a sensory deprivation kit for Chelsea, Linda Tripp's social security number and a bong. Judge Starr has asked for a search warrant of the North Pole, but attorneys for Mr. Claus have countered by claims of sovereign territory. Reported by Ambergris mOoOn



POSSIBLE MONICA LEWINSKY BOOK TITLES
[Thanks to Craig]





THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to John]

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*



OH! WOW!!!
[Thanks to my sister, Cyndy]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first tells her friends, "MY son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace."

The third says, "MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence."

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is 6'2"...he has plenty of money...broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, "Oh, my God."



"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."-- Camus
"I'm worn out."--Cyn




SOLDIER BOY... OH, MY LITTLE SOLDIER BOY...
[Thanks to Craig and Brad Brad's Home Page ]

A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says, "Have you been good?"





OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY TIPS FOR THE MODERATIONALLY CHALLENGED
[Thanks to Craig]

1. The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU'D be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.
2. Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation, know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.
3. Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a cup, just this once.)
4. If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be pissed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.
5. If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends.
6. If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 1 you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez it's Christmas, tight-ass!
7. Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.
8. If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you, buh bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal. Falling and hitting the ground is not. More than once.)
9. Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.
10. Finally, stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day.



THE TOP 10 OTHER RETRACTIONS PRINTED BY THE NY TIMES IN 1998

NOTE FROM CHRIS: In yesterday's New York Times Week in Review section there was a small correction issued in which they acknowledged that the items they used from our "Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles" list, which they reported as factual, "were not real releases but spoofs." Before we move on and put this thing behind us, Top5 wants to have the last word...

10. "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
9. "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
8. "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
7. "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
6. "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
5. "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris White

water."
4. "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
3. "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
2. "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."

      and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998...

1. "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White





TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.



THE TOP 14 SURPRISES IN "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

NOTE FROM CHRIS: "You've Got Mail" is a new romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. It was written and directed by Nora Ephron, the writer/director of "Sleepless in Seattle", also a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Hmmm... does anyone else detect a pattern of some sort here?

14. Tom's love "poems" consist entirely of references to Star Trek, Dr. Who, and Dungeons & Dragons.
13. Linda Tripp stars as Meg Ryan's backstabbing friend but Meg picks her as her bridesmaid anyway because standing next to Linda makes Meg look really, really, really good.
12. Tom Hanks gets PantyCam on the first date!
11. Planned rendezvous falls apart when a panic-stricken Tom Hanks deletes Meg's email promising "Good Times" in the subject.
10. Every time Tom sends Meg an email joke, those bastards at Top5 pop up and demand credit.
9. Poignant ending with Tom Hanks committing suicide after getting busy signals for three straight days.
8. Tom & Meg meet in court during class action lawsuit against Disney and Microsoft for that trip they promised 13,000 people.
7. Overheard at the cyberdeli: "I'll download what she's downloading."
6. Paramedics called when Meg's butt gets stuck in the scanner.
5. Touching scene in which Ryan and Hanks finally meet high atop the Empire State Building: Ryan turns out to be Wilfred Brimley and Hanks turns out to be Pauly Shore yet by this time, they're so in love that physical looks don't even matter!
4. Chinese translation of title: "I Love You On-Line; I Hate You in Person."
3. Not all viruses are transmitted via modem: "You've got an STD"
2. Meg is startled to learn that Tom is just a pasty-skinned, socially maladjusted 12-year-old geek, not the virile, hunky Top 5 List contributor he claimed to be.

     and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in "You've Got Mail"...

1. Tom Hanks' first-ever nude scene: You've Got Breasts!

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White





GETTING READY FOR SKI SEASON

Ski season is almost here!! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
12. Drive slowly for five hours anywhere as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!



THE TOP 14 THINGS OVERHEARD IN SANTA'S TOYSHOP

14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."
13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."
12. "I don't care what Santa thinks these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright frightening!"
11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians'."
10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."
9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"
8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
6. "I don't care who the hell he is the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"
5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"
4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington, DC run this year it's a height thing."
3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"
2. "Furby, schmurby Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never know the difference."

     and Top5's Number 1 Thing Overheard In Santa's Toyshop...

1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White





THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOU'RE CAUGHT UP IN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING FRENZY

12. You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.
11. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
10. At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
9. Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.
8. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.
7. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
6. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.
5. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures.
4. The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.
3. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.
2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.

      and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy...

1. Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White





MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR
[Thanks to John and Brad]

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '95

December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand-making snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.



AN ENGINEER'S CHRISTMAS
[Thanks to Craig]


There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second-- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

Now, 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.



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