SPECIAL WAR OF THE SEXES EDITION


THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 9, 1998





THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can not seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere seconds away from unconsciousness when . . .

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to unplug the horse.



FACTS ABOUT MEN
(From comic Rita Rudner)




FEMALE BASHING

Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything we say. Everything we do.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks.
A woman loses hers after four kisses.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.




MALE BASHING

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoe laces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It has never happened.



MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman . . .

And whispers, "Iron this."



THE LAWYER AND THE BLONDE

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer ask the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it is the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer; "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT


The party of the first part (herein referred to as he) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as she)...


1. FULL DISCLOSURE:

At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports.

Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.


2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:

Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch".

Note: For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."


3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:

Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating":

For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)

Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".

Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple".

Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.

Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."


4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:

For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods.

No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time.

Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".


5. DATING ETIQUETTE:

For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions.

A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt with best efforts to originate 50% of the phone calls.

Additionally, for the first two (2) weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary.

Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.

Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.


6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:

It is agreed that respective gross income aside "I" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
  1. I consider you suitably impressed,
  2. I am broke, or
  3. I say, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".


Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.


7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(Occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil):

Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.

Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.

Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence at the dwelling, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.

After thirty (30) days, one dresser drawer in one party's residence may be assigned to the other party, if has been determined this action will not cause immediate "commitmentphobia" in either party.


8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:

For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology "Let's get married."

Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his/her parents.


9. THE "L" WORD:

For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.

Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."


10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:

Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

  1. Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
  2. Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing";
  3. Suggesting no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help";
  4. Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and
  5. Complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).




11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:

At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
  1. "You'll never find anybody better";
  2. "Nobody could ever make you happy";
  3. "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
  4. "My analyst thinks you are... (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time)."



12. MISCELLANEOUS:
  1. Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
  2. both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
  3. at the termination of said affair:
    1. both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through an impartial intermediary;
    2. each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends; and
    3. both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven (7) days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
      • "The timing wasn't right";
      • "He/She wanted more than I could give";
      • "He/She was too involved in his/her career"; or
      • "He/She decided to go back with his/her
        • (a) girl/boyfriend;
        • (b) last lover;
        • (c) hometown; or
        • (d) therapist".



13. ADDENDUM:

After the initial breakup no matter what both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".



Relationshipology Explained
The Institute of Relationshipology



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