THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 2, 1998
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, age 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, age 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, age 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, age 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, age 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, age 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, age 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, age 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, age 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, age 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, age 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, age 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, age 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, age 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, age 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpson's is on television." (Anita, age 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, age 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, age 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, age 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, age 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, age 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, age 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, age 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, age 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, age 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, age 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, age 8)
A PARENT’S GLOSSARY
- AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
- DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
- FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
- FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
- GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
- HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
- OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
- PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
- STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
- TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
- TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
- VERBAL: able to whine in words
- WHODUNIT: none of the kids who live in your house
POLITICAL QUOTES (ONE LINERS)
(Scary, but true...)
- "I resent your insinuendoes."
- "No man is an Ireland."
- "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
- "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
- "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." — Dan Quayle
- "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
- "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
- "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
- "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." — Marion Berry
- "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
- "To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
- "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
- "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
- "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
- "Let's do this in one foul swoop."
- "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
- "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- "I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks."
- "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
- "I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
- "We have a permanent plan for the time being."
- "Family planning has many misconceptions."
- "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
- "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
- "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
- "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
- "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
- "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
WHY, WHEN I WAS A KID...
The Washington Post Report from Week 22, 1998, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
- The Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
- The First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
- In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
- In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
- When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie- do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
- Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
- In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
- In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
- In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
- In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
· Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
- In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
· Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
- In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
