THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 16, 1998
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
— Edgar Allan Poe
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
· Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
· Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
THIS WEEK'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
"Life is full of little surprises." — Pandora.
Oh no, not deja-vu again. Oh no, not deja-vu again. Oh no — Unknown
What doesn't kill me makes me stranger. — Unknown
Go Lemmings Go! — Unknown
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
What do UFO's and 'Smart Blondes' have in common?
You've heard about 'em, but you've never actually really seen one...
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere,
you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you
because someone has printed gibberish all over it
and put your name at the top.
— English Professor, Ohio University
When aiming for the common denominator,
be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
— Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.
— Dorothy Parker
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall
of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero,
they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs."
— Robert Firth
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 —
not even for very large values of 2.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come
out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence...
DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH?
(The following are actual statements made during court cases)
· Judge: I know you, don't I?
· Defendant: Uh, yes.
· Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
· Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
· Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
· Defendant: Okay, I was your bookie.
(From a defendant representing himself)
· Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
· Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
· Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
· Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
· Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
· Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
· Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
· Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
· Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
(Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand)
· Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
· Plaintiff: Dr. J.
· Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
· Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
· Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
· Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
· Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
· Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
· Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
· Witness: I didn't see no fight.
· Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see?
· Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
· Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
· Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
· Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
· Judge: And why is that?
· Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
· Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
· Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor I wasn't listening.
· Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
· Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
· Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
· Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
· Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
· Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
· Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
· Judge: Of course.
· Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
· Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
· Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
· Judge: I can't do anything about that There's no law against thinking.
· Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
(The Goddess is a native Texan, just in case anyone is offended (like I really care..) — but officially a Yankee according to Texas state law, since born in Dallas)
The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog
32. I thought Graceland was tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
30. Wrasslin's fake
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
22. Deer heads detract from the decor
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
19. Trim the fat off the steak
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
5. I don't have a favorite college team
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...
1. Elvis who?
SIX OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
1. "Easy UNIX"
2. "Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance"
3. "Everything Men Know About Women"
4. "A Lawyer's Guide to Ethics"
5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
6. "Guide to Dating Etiquette" by Mike Tyson
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
MORE MALE-BASHING JOKES
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One — He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man first?
He needed a rough draft.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.